31 August 2010

From Mr Sweet

Hey you ok? What you up to? You look absolutely gorgeous in your pics surprised your on here : ) xxxx

Dear Mr Sweet. Thanks for your email. Don't be surprised I'm on here, I may look nice and normal in photos but in real life I put the i into insane, the me into demented and the chop into psychopathy. But if you don't believe me, let's meet! Now! Your house! Yours, truly madly.

From Mr Location

evening princess

i like ur profile
u look very feminine and lovely
may i ask u for a drink in london or anywhere else u choose?


Dear Mr Location. Thanks for your email. Of course you can ask me for a drink, how about in Carlisle - there's a lovely branch of Wetherspoons there that do great happy hour deals. Sound like a plan? Yours, staying well put in London

Mr Pushy

I have liked your profile very much...
Please email me direct at mr pushy@live.co.uk
We can talk on phone and meet up and discuss everything.
Please do give me one chance... And who knows we could end up being compatible, which is hard to judge from just a profile. It will be nice if you could email me your photo and phone number, and I will promise to call you.

Dear Mr Pushy. Thanks for your email. I don't doubt that you will live up to your promise and call me. And it is for precisely that reason why I shall not be sending you my number. Yours, unpushed

Mr Advice

Hey, how are you? Found anyone suitable yet? Could you tell me honestly what is wrong with my profile?

Dear Mr Advice. Thanks for your email. Clearly, I've not found anyone suitable for me yet, as I'm still on this dating site. I've had a look at your profile, and I only spotted a couple of things wrong with it. They are:
1. Your face.
2. Your personality (or lack thereof).
Other than that, you appear to be a great catch, but sadly not the right catch for me. Yours, honestly.

From Mr Toilet

heey you ok? im pretty rubbish with these sort of first messages so don't really know what to say...ermm, your gorgeous but you've heard that millions of times before so ermm *thinking* ohhhh a little childhood story for you to remember me by...here goes :D when i was 4 i fell in the toilet head first, i forgot there was a little step infront of the toilet and ran, tripped and went straight into it...well thats that then lol...now you can remember me as the guy who didnt know how to take a pee ha. brilliant. Anyway yeah your a well pretty girl and you might not even get back in touch but it would be nice to chat and get to know you thats if you wanted, so get in touch... :) x

Dear Mr Toilet. Thanks for your email. I wouldn't say that's a rubbish first message. Oh no. I would say it's a crap first message. Literally. See this is a friendly word of advice - chicks don't dig shit stories. Yours, unim-poo-ressed

From Mr Random Stream of Consciousness - again

How are you sweet heart?hope you had good day.
I am mr random stream of consciousness near heathrow.i am good looking 6 ft 1 tall.
I am suit and tie person.i am clean smell good.i do like your profile.
i am easy going caring romantic.
I like holding hands cuddles very good kisser.I like pubs restaurants but not into clubs.
I am seprated got kids,I am looking for fship,romance.
I am not into one night stands but don’t want to rush into full on rship.
I am looking for good friend lover with view to rship.i am hard working do work long hours.i hope you are understanding.I am polite friendly person,will treat you with respect make you smile.I promice you will feel closer and wanted.I am loving person who needs loving too can you provide that.If you are polite,friendly understanding and loving please get back mr random stream of consciousness @hotmail.co.uk or 0780* *** ***.hope you get back we get to know meet for drink and see how we feel,see if we got that chemistry.you are very beautiful,very pretty face and nice smile ,hope to hear from you soon love mr random stream of consciousness xxxxxxxxx

Dear Mr Random Stream of Consciousness. Thanks for your email. Again. Clearly you didn't read my first one? Here it is:


I'm pleased to find out that since we last exchanged missives you are now the proud wearer of suits and ties, are clean and smell nice, and, most importantly, you've discovered the return key. However, none of these features are redeeming enough to make up for the fact that your emails are, quite frankly, a massive pointless diatribe of disconcerting oddness. The answer is still no. But please do feel free to mail again and let me know when you've discovered flossing and italics. Yours, unrandomly.

From Mr Vain

oh just saw the perfect guy for you

oh sorry it was just me walking past a mirror

how you doing?

Dear Mr Vain. Thanks for your email. Perhaps if you had taken your eyes off your own glorious physique for just one moment, you would have noticed that in the background of your profile you appear to have a bunk bed, with a poster of The Rock, a Liverpool FC duvet set and matching wallpaper? You're 33 years old. Either you really need to work on your interior decoration if you ever want a woman to set foot in your boudoir, or, more worryingly, you've photographed yourself topless in some young boys bedroom. No and most definitely no! Yours, concernedly.

From Mr Pole

Hi there, Your profile has just attracted me... I am a Polish guy of 46 now. Actually am on my vacation in Poland. I am a merchant by profession and travel quite a bit in business and off. I like off road riding my ATV, badminton, swimming, lakes and nature, open terrain and live music but rather in small auditoriums. I gonna go to Leising, Germany on 5th Sep, to see Blackmore's Night concert in a medieval outdoor setting. Are you interested to join in ? Good occasion to get to know each other. Mind the distance ! LOL I also prefer to chop the wood for my fire place instead of working out in a crowded gym. I look for an open minded, passionate woman, who could share my love for music, travells and other things in life... Be well

Dear Mr Pole. Thanks for your email. Are you suggesting that for my first date with a totally random and rather suspicious-looking 46 year old Polish resident whom I have only ever had one email from, who has an apparent penchant for chopping wood and racket sports, that I hop on a plane and whizz over to Germany to listen to some random concert in what may well be some sort of odd Scandinavian battle re-enactment? Are you serious? See that there, that's caution being thrown to the wind. Count me in! I'll be the one with plaits and a buxom wench's costume. Yours, Germanically

28 August 2010

From Mr Typo

Hi ,I notice you are beautiful, gorgeous and stunning what I trying to say I find you very attractive.
I would like to get to know you and see where it may lead.
I am highly spirited, and a bit crazy, but I will let you be the judge :-)
Drop us a lime, xxx

Dear Mr Typo. Thanks for your email. Here you go.
Yours, fruitily.

From Mr Nice Guy

hi im mr nice guy from yorkshire i think you look really nice. i like films,music,wildlife,football,games and photography.Im a niceguy and not just after my leg over,im romantic and considerate and im very interested in what you get up to as a scientist.Hope you write back soon.

Dear Mr Nice Guy. Thanks for your email. I'm pleased that your sole purpose for contacting me was not to get your leg over, but you genuinely want to find out about my work as a scientist. I'll tell you about it now. I'm a master when it comes to chemistry, and one area of my expertise is concocting complex chemical compounds in cocktails. In physics terms, I'm very competent when it comes to Newton's various laws, with the exception of after I've been practising my chemistry and I do like to put the laws of gravity to the test. Biologically speaking, I'm very aware of the facts of life, bodily functions and have been known to put both into practise in real life on the odd occasion. In short, I know fuck all about science. Because I work in television. I've always worked in television, and it says so on my profile. So god knows who you thought you were writing to, but it certainly wasn't me! Yours, unscientifically

From Mr Ungrammatical

hi there, don’t accept to be single.
ur certainly genius, u must be a classic at grammer. is it love ur looking for or relationship?? sorry to ask. jst wana get ur point right.

Dear Mr Ungrammatical. Thanks for your email. Er...what? Seriously...what? It's true, all my friends know me for being 'a classic at grammer', well done for picking up on that. Unfortunately, I'm looking for someone similarly 'classic at grammer', and since you don't even know how to spell the word in the first place, I don't think that's you. Sorry. Yours, classically

From Mr Stereotyper

hi gorgeous hope your having a nice weekend say hi dont be shy lol,what do you like shopping for most shoes clothes or handbags lol xxx

Dear Mr Stereotyper. Thanks for your email. My weekend is going great, thanks for asking. Ooh, I just LOVE shopping! It's so hard to pick what I like best - shoes, clothes, handbags, ribbons, chocolates, flowers...us girls just love EVERYTHING like that! That's why we're so indecisive about everything. In fact, I might go and spend some time looking at kittens on the internet right now. What do you like shopping for most? Beer, footballs, porn and books on chauvinism? Yours, feministically.

From Mr Schmaltz

Hi beautiful how are u?I really like the smile in your face u also look impresive just the type of lady I had always dream about,I had never believed love at first sight until I saw u in this site.Do u know why in this crowd u had caught my eyes?
Babe this is called chemistry.I believe I can fly and touch the sky if u be with me!!

Dear Mr Schmaltz. Thanks for your email. You've done me a real favour actually, I thought I'd eaten something dodgy at lunchtime and had been feeling dicky all day, but your email has helped me purge the entire contents of my stomach and I feel a lot better now. So thanks. And as for chemistry, well, the only chemistry here involves the acid from my guts and the bleach in the toilet. Yours, biliously.

PS. R Kelly has been on the phone - he wants his lyrics back.

From Mr Boring

Hey how are you doing? I'm not too good at messaging but I'm giving it a go all the same. Sorry if this sounds cheesey. I never know how start these things so I'll say a bit more about myself . Ok I'll try not to repeat what is in my profile, I'll admit in the first instance I'm shy and quiet but once I get going I really start to open up, people sometimes have to stop me! I will try anything (within reason) especially if it is something I haven't done before. Trying new stuff is very exciting. Hell I don't even care if I bodge it up completely, try try again. I do like to plan stuff ahead but also like to be spontaneous without any planning. I like to think I am easy to talk to and comfortable to be around, well that is what friends and family say! I like meeting people when I'm out and about.. That is one of the reasons I decided to try this out, I'm serious about finding someone and making friends along the way. I'm more of a face to person, I'd rather meet people in the first instance and see how it goes. But I can see the advantages to doing it this way. I don't take myself or life to seriously but obviously for the important things and when the need arises I do.

Hopefully I haven't bored you to death.



From Mr Homeboy

I'm not in touch with any woman so very hot,can meet for fun at home?I can send u my photo

Dear Mr Homeboy. Thanks for your email. Nah, don't bother sending a photo, I'm sure you're as gorgeous as you've described yourself in your profile. Yeah, fun at home sounds great, thanks for the offer! I'm free tonight, why don't you come over anytime. My address is 1, Bethnal Green Police Station. Ask for the Chief Superintendent (that's my real name) and say you're here for your little dose of naughty fun times. Can't wait to meet you. Yours, duplicitously.

From Mr Cheese

hi im mr cheese im 43 south london side of surrey tell me did you hurt yourself when yiou fell from the heavens

Dear Mr Cheese. Thanks for your email. Oh dear lord no, not THIS again. May I refer you to a prior correspondent, and sincerely quest that you don't bring this up again:


I bid you good day. Yours, despairingly.

From Mr Uneducated

Wow u have written a dissertation lol

Dear Mr Uneducated. Thanks for your email. Wow, you're astute - yes I have written a dissertation before in my life. It was for my degree. Although why that fact is relevant to my online dating profile and you find it lol-worthy is, quite frankly, lost on me. Are you mocking my education sir? Are you? You and the Student Loans Company who still won't let me live it down. You heartless bastards. Yours, well educatiddly

From Mr Helpful

Hi Beautiful. Hope you are doing well. I like your profile and want to talk to you. Cant believe somebody like you is single. I want to change that :)Please let me know if you are interested.

Dear Mr Helpful. Thanks for your email. And for your very kind offer to help remedy my status as a singleton. What I'm looking for is a tall, dark handsome chap, own hair and teeth, twinkle in the eye, regional accent preferable, stable family background, GSOH, secure job, no family history of mental illness, hereditary diseases or male pattern baldness, and a love of all things avian an added bonus. Do you know anyone like that? Not you, obviously, you're not even in the ball park, but if you see someone matching his description, please let me know. Thanks. Yours, hopefully.

From Mr Intrigued

Curiosity....is a wonderful thing, hence my writing to you...intrigued I am by your introduction...fascinated even...

what goes on in that wonderous mind is what I am hoping to find....will one allow such an honour?

Dear Mr Intrigued. Thanks for my email. Here are some things currently going round my mind:

Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?
How do you get four Popes in a Volkswagen?
When will I, will I be famous?
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, but there's no-one around, does anyone actually give a shit?
what is the point of platypi?
Does Noel Edmunds really have a crinkly bottom?
When will cats rule the world?
How many cruel Mr and Mrs Dovers have named their child Ben?
What is the best way to dispose of a body?

I would write more now, but I have to nip to Wickes before clothing to pick up some rope, a tarpaulin, a hacksaw and a spade. Hope to hear from you soon. Yours, ponderingly.

From Mr Old Fart

just thought id better tell ya -
your too gorgeous to be on here
the older ladies will all be jealous of your looks
the younger ones will all envy your age too
the young men will all lust after you
and us old farts will all be sad cos we're too damn old lol
but besides that you may want to add an age range for the feller you are looking for as it may keep some of us old wrinklies from driving you nuts lol

Dear Mr Old Fart. Thanks for your email. You must have clearly missed the age range for my potential suitor on my profile - it's 25-35. You also miss the age range of being a potential suitor by 24 years. So thanks, but no thanks, I'm sure you'd have more success if you signed yourself up to www.oldfartsseekyoungmaids.com or www.wrinklygitsneedyoungladiesforlovekissesandbedbaths.com. Yours, youthfully.

From Mr Baked Goods Lover

There is no doubt girlfriend that you are a favorite amongst the men here.

Girl you know you look good enough to eat. I bet all the boys....and even some of the girls on here trying to get there hands on your cookies :)

Dear Mr Baked Goods Lover. Thanks for your email. Have you been talking to other people on this website about me? That's pretty feckin' weird, I'll tell you right now - and it's enough to make any girl paranoid. Especially when it seems my proverbial cookies are being bandied around willy nilly without my prior knowledge or consent. No-one here is getting their grubby mits on my baked goods, real or otherwise, so I suggest you get thee down to Greggs the Bakers to slake your lust for all things round and sweet, and leave me and my cookie goodness alone. Yours, perturbedly

From Mr Holiday

Hello,just gone through your profile and i think i really love it think we cld meet up for a drink if you dont mind you can send me your phone number and ill give you a call am on two weeks holiday now so am free to hook up with you.xx

Dear Mr Holiday. Thanks for your email. So you're on holiday now and you want to fill your time lining up random ladies on the internet? What sort of a holiday is that? Surely it's a lot more fun going off to somewhere like Shagalouf or Ayia Slappa for some sun, swimming and something else beginning with s rather than surfing the net at home? I think you need to get out more my friend, treat yourself to a little Easyjet action and leave your dongle alone. Seriously. Yours domestically

From Mr Vocal


Dear Mr Vocal. Thanks for your email. Stop shouting at me! I don't like to be shouted at! I have a headache. Stop it and go away and return once you've learned to control your volume and your flippant and careless use of CAPS LOCK. Yours, quietly.

From Mr Unflattering

well, dont normally consider such petit women, but seen as i read your profile and didnt fall asleep halfway through, i thought id give u a chance ;P

Dear Mr Unflattering. Thanks for your email. Damn me with your faint praise why don't you? Damn me, my petite persona and not-totally-snore-inducingly boring profile. Thanks for being so gracious as to give me a chance, against such odds. I see that chance, and I choose not to take it. Goodbye. Yours, unflatteredly

26 August 2010

From Mr Chivalrous

hi there i red your profile and liked the look of you so thought i would say hi im not a married man cheat idiot plaayer or a chancer just a normal guy looking to meet a nice woman to have a good time with and by that i dont mean sex i believe that just because your not romeo and juliet dosnt mean you treat a woman like a cheap hooker if your interested come say hi if not good luck in your search...

Dear Mr Chivalrous. Thanks for your email. You mean you DON'T treat your women like a cheap hooker? Sorry, not interested. I like a man who'll leave me with a black eye, a stance like John Wayne and a hundred quid on the bedside table. Yours, solicitously.

From Mr Adult Dating

hi do you fancy for adult dating in brighton?

Dear Mr Adult Dating. Thanks for your email. Please, fill me in as I'm a little in the dark here, what exactly IS adult dating? Does it involve driving cars, reading newspapers and visiting garden centres? Why, I rather like the sound of that, yes, let's do it! Get in touch and I'll hoover out the Nova. Yours, most grown up.

From Mr Numerically Challenged

Hi There,

Two Things about your profile
1 - Interesting
2 - Very good.

Three things about your looks

1 - Good Looking
2 - Gorgeous smile
3 - Cute

One thing i am wondering

1 - why are you still single

Three things about me.
1 - Single
2 - Easy going
3 - Educated and working

One thing i need

1 - A reply from you x

Anyways urs is one of the best profile i came across this site. Looking for a honest and genuine girl like you x

Dear Mr Numerically Challenged. Thanks for your email. What can I say, you look like a really nice guy and all, but I have real reservations about dating a guy who can only count up to three. Either you're slightly backward in the learning department, or you're missing a significant number of digits on your hands and feet. In either case, I think it would be unfair of me to pursue this any further, so I shall hastily make my way out of exit number 4. Yours, numerously

From Sweeney Todd

hiya i love the look of your hair in ya pics, i know its a random thing to ask but could you ever be tempted to do anything really dramatic to it? X

Dear Sweeney Todd. Thanks for your email. You stay the heck away from my head, you hear me? You know the story of Samson and Delilah, the one where she lopped off his locks and rendered him impotent? Well, the same would happen to me if someone hacked off my hair, so there's now way on God's earth I'm letting some scissor-wielding coiffure-fetishist anywhere near my barnet. This do is a no-no for you my freaky friend, I suggest you take your hack-happy hands elsewhere. Yours, hairily.

PS. I do struggle with frizz in the wet weather though - are there any products you could recommend?

From Mr Spain

ha de ser un agrado estar contigo. ya que la vida se alegra mas cuando se la dan bien a la vida libre de enojo
y que el buen humor reina...
quieres ser mi amiga...? si piensas lo mismo puedes escribirme a misterspain@yahoo.com
esperare sus escritos Dios te Bendiga

Dear Mr Spain. Thanks for your email. To quote the legend that is Ron Burgundy, 'you know I don't speak Spanish'. So on that note, I think any further communication would be rather impossible unless I get cracking on Rosetta Stone pronto. Which I'm not going to do, because quite frankly, I can't be arsed. Yours, Englishly.

PS. If anyone out there could translate this for me, I would be most grateful.

From Mr Tex Spk

easy babez just came across ur
profile n av2say think ur
absoloutly gorgus, if u eva fancy a chat then get bck2me xx

Dear Mr Tex Spk. Fanks 4da email. I wud get back2u but my tolerinz of tex spk iz rapidly wayneing n id ratha peel of my on skin n bath in viniga than d8 sum1 who finx its exceptible 2 talk or rite dis way. Soz. Urs, eloquintly

From Mr Publisher

I know how to get you published ;-)

Dear Mr Publisher. Thanks for your email. Yes, I know how to get me published to - write a blog. It's cheap, simple, and doesn't involve having to perform sexual favours for a middle aged man in dire need of personal grooming. Yours, self-publishingly.

From Mr Stalked

Hiya how are you? I'm new here so please be nice to me lol how are you finding this place snd what brings you on here? My pics are set to private due to the last time I used this place (over a year ago) I inherited a couple if stalkers lol ,ill unprivate them if I get a reply hope this is ok x

Dear Mr Stalked. Thanks for your email. I think it's only best you don't 'unprivate' your personal photos for my benefit, because I can't genuinely guarantee I won't find you so utterly irresistible that I decide to stalk you too. Before you know it, I'll have a tent pitched on your porch, my name changed to yours by Deed Poll and your face tattooed on my arse. For your sake, and mine, let's leave it there. Yours, stalkingly

From Mr Cradle Snatcher

Evening missy, hows it going?

Not passed your bedtime yet


Dear Mr Cradle Snatcher. Thanks for your email. I know I have a baby face, but come on! It's 8pm - what sort of age group do you normally email that would be in bed already? In fact don't answer that, just go away. Well away. Yours, maturely.

24 August 2010

From Mr Direct 2


Dear Mr Direct 2. Thanks for your email. Erm, I'm female - can't you tell? Yours, gynaecologically.

19 August 2010

From Mr Visually Impaired

wow you are incredible. I bet men just throw themselves at you dont they. Are you upto anything fun or exciting this week?

Dear Mr Visually Impaired. Thanks for your email. Alright now, enough taking the piss - you expect me to believe your email when every single photo of yours has you sporting a rather fetching pair of dark glasses? Very dark glasses. And that telltale white stick propped up in the corner? Pull the other one - it's got bells on. Yours, super-visually

PS. Nice dog.

From Mr Self-Depriciation

I might not be the beautiful or the sexiest...Nor have the perfect body..I might not be anyones first choice...But I'm a GREAT choice...I dont pretend to be someone else...Cause I am too good at being ME...I might not be proud of some of the things I've done ...but I am proud of who I am today. Take me as I am or don't... take me at all.!!!!

Dear Mr Self-Depreciation. Thanks for your email. It troubles me that you are so down on your looks, I'm sure there are lots of primates out there that would find you and your awe-inspiring hirsutism sexy. And you do have the perfect body, if you have a group of friends who easily get lost and need an obvious landmark as a meeting point, or know lots of people that get sunburned easily and would benefit from a vast expanse of shade. I'm very pleased that you're good at being yourself, even though you don't have much other choice of whose body to inhabit. And everyone makes mistakes, you're only human: put those sandals of yours down to experience. And that mullet haircut. And that rather unusual fleece of yours. Or is that your body hair? Anyway, now I come to your final offer - take me or leave me. After much deliberation, and this is absolutely nothing to do with your gargantuan furry physique, but I have decided to leave it. All 23 hairy stones of it. Sorry. Yours, self-appreciatingly.

From Mr Engineer

I like your photo, and i would describe myself as quite a good person. In engineering, can have an intelligent conversation, etc. Hows you?

Dear Mr Engineer. Thanks for your email. What can I say, I am totally astonished that someone of your conversational calibre is single. And that fact you're a self-proclaimed 'quite a good person', I almost don't feel worthy. Almost, and yet not. Yours, unengineered

17 August 2010

From Mr Third Person

What... a ruddy marvellous profile. *Mr Third Person stands up and does a rather embarrassing round of applause*

You could teach everyone a thing or two. I had gone down the behave yourself and look at one with society route. Obviously I shouldn't have.

Anyway, you sound fascinating (in a good way). Hope you're having a great weekend.

*Mr Third Person now sits down*.

Dear Mr Third Person. CTS thanks you for your email. CTS is flattered that Mr Third Person appreciates her profile, and is not entirely convinced that society might benefit from her irreverent attitude to dating profiles, but suggests Mr Third Person pays a little more attention to his, for fear of sounding rather boring. CTS also suggests that Mr Third Person desists in writing in the third person, lest he should give off the impression that he is, in fact, a nutbag. CTS has great concerns that if two people who insist on speaking in the third person should ever meet, it would be a rather surreal double date scenario, which thus unnecessarily  increases the pressure experienced on the average first date twofold. Consequently, CTS would like to inform Mr Third Person that she will henceforth be returning to the first person, and will not be communicating with Mr Third Person, nor either of his representatives, Mr First Person or Mr Second Person, from hereon in. Yours, impersonally.

From Mr Random Stream of Consciousness

How are you sweet heart? I am mrrandom streamofconsciouness near heathrow. I am good looking 6ft 1 tall. I am easy going caring romantic. like holding hands cuddles very good kisser. I am good lover too if we got that spark. darling I like pubs restaurants but not into clubbing. I can cook nice curry lol. I am polite friendly person .will treat you with respect make you smile. let's try if I can make you smile try this. sit on chair now lift your right foot of ground and spin clockwise. now lift your right arm and try writing number 6 in air with your right hand index fingure. keep an eye on your put whet you try to write it will start going anticlockwise. its funny now stop laughing and start typing. darling I am looking for fship romance. I am not into one night stands but don't want to rush into full on rship. looking for good friend lover with both our freedom may leed to rship in time. love to be friends get to know you meet for drink.pls get back mrrandomstreamof consciousness@ hotmail.com 0780* *** *** love mrrandomstreamof consciousness. darling hope you having good day and will get back love mrrandomstream of consciousness. darling I am seprated been hurt so need loving too .i am not perfect as every body got good and bad points, I am hard working do work long hours hope you patience and understanding .i am light smoker but trying to quit last I don’t drive .i do get time off. love to know you be friends and see how we feel. i am not pushy at all. have a very good weekendlove mrrandomstreamof consciousness. if you are understanding caring polite loving please get back.i promice you want be disappointed.love mrrandomstreamof consciousness Love EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsDrinking EmoticonsDrinking EmoticonsDrinking EmoticonsDrinking EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsLove EmoticonsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree AvatarsFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree SmileysFree Smileys

Dear Mr Random Stream of Consciousness. Thanks for your email. I am afraid I don't have the foggiest idea what you've been rambling on about for the last 10 minutes, especially the bit about waving my arms and legs around. But you've stuck loads of cheesy emoticons at the end, so that makes it alright. When I say alright, I mean, it actually doesn't matter what you may have said previous to the emoticons, because the emoticons themselves have rendered the entire sentiment null and void. That and the fact that you can't drive. If it wasn't for the emoticons and distinct lack of driver's license, you would definitely have been in there. Oh, and maybe the multiple sign offs. And also the self-pity. And the fact you live in Heathrow's flightpath. I'll stop there...
Yours, so near but so far

From Mr Curious

I think there must be all sorts of stuff under your sofa!

Dear Mr Curious. You're right, there probably is all sorts of stuff under my sofa. I would guesstimate there's a fair amount of lint, the corpse of a 7-legged house spider, a couple of toenails, my favourite Biro and January's edition of Chat magazine. But may I just ask, are you actually looking for a love on this website? Does this love involve a fetish for untidy houses? Or are you on the hunt for a case study for How Clean Is Your House? What sort of a chat up line is that? No wonder you're single! Leave me and my sofa and the accompanying lint and grub alone! Yours, clutteringly.

PS. If you do fancy coming and giving my house a good clean, call me on 0781* *** ***

From Mr Husband

lol..Wow You Are Beautiful.... How Married Are We !!! ...lol Mwahhhhh

Dear Mr Husband. We're married? Shit, that WAS a heavy night wasn't it? Wowsers. I can't even remember our wedding! Was it good? Did someone take pictures? Did I look like a meringue? Okay, well I'm glad you've chosen to get back in touch with me, although why we're both still on a dating site now we're happily married does seem a bit inappropriate. How's about we both take ourselves off the site and make a real go of things? For better for worse, right? When shall I move in? Yours, in holy albeit entirely unaware matrimony

PS. Who the heck are you?

From Mr Musical

Love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn, to play by the rules.
Then u must forget the rules and play from your heart

Dear Mr Musical. Thanks for your email. Clearly, you've never heard me play the piano, so I have taken the liberty of rewriting your charming little analogy...

Love is like trying to play the piano.
First you must read the music, and make some half-arsed attempt at hitting the right notes.
More often then not, it just sounds crap.
I dream of being The Entertainer, but always end up with chopsticks.

Yours, unmusically.

From Mr King of the Swingers

Hi, U look lovely. Am seeking a swinging partner. Can I interest U? x

Hi Mr King of the Swingers. Thanks for your email. To be frank, there's nothing remotely appealing about becoming your swinging partner. Nothing in the slightest. I'm interested to know why you think I might be the sort of girl to pair up with a seedy forty-something, with paunch and without hair, to go and find strange people to have sex with and in front of in dark, dingy dives? Please do tell me, I'd love to know. Was it the fact I have a twinkle in my eye, perhaps my mischievous grin and an air of unfettered sexual excitement about me? Was it the fact that this website is for swingers only? Oh, it is you say? Oh. Oh well. Whoopsy, my bad! Anyway the answer is still no. Yours, unswung.

16 August 2010

From Mr Gameshow

I don't think we'd get along, but I wanted to say anyway that your profile was refreshing. Have 5 points.

Dear Mr Gameshow. Thanks for your email. Oh noooooooo! I think we'd get on great! I love games! Especially ones where I get to score points! How can I score some more? Tell me tell me tell me! Go on, play with me! Goooooooo ooooooooon! I'm brilliant at games! Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssseeeeee!
Yours, playfully.

PS. Hope I'm not coming on too strong.

From Mr Hallucinogen

sorry. Wrong email last one. Emileo is a dark angel who live in limbo, he care babies there! Have you tattooes in your body? Hey my name is Mr hallucinogen,,,,im white angel Lol

Dear Mr Hallucinogen. Thanks for your email, although given it's the only one I've received from you I find it mildly ironic that you think your imaginary one was wrong - I've just read the right one...er...angels? Babies? Tattoos? To coin a phrase - 'what the fuck?'. I mean seriously! You need to lay off the 'shrooms my friend, as I'm pretty sure this angel business can't be healthy. Yours, soberly.

From Mr Lothario

Why hello gorgeous,

Do you fancy getting to know each other and having some fun? X

Dear Mr Lothario. Thanks for your email. There's something about your writing that really reminds me of someone...now who is it? *wracks brain* I know! You sound like that James Hewitt fellow, I recognise that tone anywhere. Hang on, you look an awful lot like him too. And you live in Windsor? Shit! It's you! Noooooooooooo! Leave me alone vile cad, be gone! Yours, unroyally.

From Frankie Boyle

Hi, are you free to chat atall? DO you like Frankie Boyle?

Dear Frankie Boyle. Thanks for your email. I know you are not the real Frankie Boyle, but you do bear a frightening resemblance to him, that is, if one was to imagine a Picasso version of a Frankie Boyle portrait, as painted by a 5 year old. What the real Frankie Boyle lacks in looks, he certainly makes up for in humour, but judging from your profile you neither match him in the looks stakes, nor in the comedy stakes. For these reasons, and rather important reasons they are, I think I'll be on my way to hang about the stage doors Edinburgh Fringe for people who genuinely put the funny into funny-looking. Yours, comically.

From Mr Senseless

hello I feel moving something to you it is strange just only reading your profile seeing your picture ,it is illogical sensless but it is true, you are an extreme beauty that I meditate every second thank you a lot to have given me this opportunity and to have awaken in me these beautiful feelings for you

Dear Mr Senseless. Thanks for your email. Am I correct in thinking you are thanking me for the fact that you can meditate over beautiful feelings I have invoked in you as a result of seeing my picture? Are you on some sort of narcotic? I mean seriously, what the hell? I would love to be flattered but quite frankly I am entirely bemused and slightly intimidated. For this reason, I shall bid you farewell, and will be blocking you from being able to view my profile picture from now on, for fear your 'meditation' gets to unhealthy levels. Yours, insensitively.

PS. I sincerely hope when you wrote 'meditate, you actually meant 'meditate', and not something else...

From Mr No Strings

hey babe im gunna b honest i wanna just have fun with no comitment i knw i comin on strong but i wanna b honest, if we end up likin each other then great but for now nothin serious, if u intrested get bk 2 me ;)

Dear Mr No Strings. Thanks for your email. And your honesty. So do I deduce from your eloquent missive that you just essentially want someone to have no strings sex with, and then if I'm lucky we might end up liking each other? Wow, I feel so special! Thanks for choosing me to be your elected fuck buddy! No really! But seriously - no. Tell you what though, I'd be really impressed to hear how this tactic works with the other ladies as it sure as hell ain't working with me. My suggestion is perhaps you find yourself one of those lovely ladies advertising their string-less services in a phone box near you, although I suspect by the fact you're trying your luck on a free dating site, you're too tight to pay for the privilege. Yours, all strung up.

15 August 2010

From Miss Same Name

WOW, Just had to say super sexy photos. You look stunning. I'd kill for a figure like yours.Anyway saw your profile and has to message you X

Dear Miss Same Name. Thanks for your email. Erm, I'm not really sure what to say actually. I'll be straight with you. Literally. Clearly you must've missed the 'woman seeking man' box ticked on my profile. And we'll gloss over the fact we have the same bits and bobs biologically which, as you now know isn't the way I roll, but if we were to meet, I'd be rather freaked out having to call you by my own name! That right there is a deal-breaker. Even if my perfect man cropped up out he had the same name as me, I just couldn't be doing with it! Although that said, if a man DID have the same name as me, I'm sure there's a case of later life child abuse against his parents right there. But I digress. As flattered as I am, boobs and ladybits aren't my bag, so I'll bid you farewell. Yours, with the same name.

From Mr Spammer

i woud like to get to know you i have to be honst to you my wrting is very pour i will tall you i bit a bout me name is mr spammer single never married never been in a relationship lived in manchester all my life employed yes currently driver small mecanical sweeper held down job for 25 yrs hobbies like todrink occasional like watching movies going to the cinema living situation with parents i am very good hearted man with a lot a love and affection to give to the right person i am serious but no how to have fun i am loyal understanding frienly and kind herted i am trustworthy straigt hope know an no i do knot have ane kids i looking fo honst and love let see waer it gos love mr spammer if you aer still want to know

Dear Mr Spammer. Many thanks for your email. I'll be honest, I'm not sure we're entirely compatible. Yes, I tick the right boxes for you, but according to your profile your only criteria for a potential girlfriend is someone who's between the ages of 18 and 90 (is there anyone over 80 on these sites? I'd almost want to hear from them!). And what I've deduced from your profile, apart from the fact that you've clearly been cutting and pasting your well-worded personal statement and spamming every lady on here between the aforementioned ages, is that you are 5' tall and 46 years old, the only two criteria that fall well out of my specified ranges. This isn't the first time I've spotted this tactic on these websites, and I'll be honest, us ladies like to feel special when a potential suitor is trying to woo us. And cutting and pasting just doesn't cut it with me sunshine. No siree. So next time you're sitting with your laptop whilst your dad's snoozing in his chair and your mum's putting your tea on, maybe take a little time to write something a little bit personal, rather than, let's face it, a little bit desperate. Good luck with your search, I have ever confidence that Miss Mechanical Sweeper is just one click away. Yours, unspammingly.

From Mr Ugly Old Git


To love is to share life together
to build special plans just for two
to work side by side
and then smile with pride
as one by one, dreams all come true.

To love is to help and encourage
with smiles and sincere words of praise
to take time to share
to listen and care
in tender, affectionate ways.

To love is to have someone special
one who you can always depend
to be there through the years
sharing laughter and tears
as a partner, a lover, a friend

If you like ugly old gits then I'm the one for you

Love and best wishes whatever your decision

Love Mr Ugly Old Git XXXX

Dear My Ugly Old Git. Thanks for your email. And thanks for sharing such a lovely poem that you've obviously copied and pasted from one of those tacky 'what can I read at someone I hate's wedding to jerk a few tears and make it look like I care' websites. I know I may have written 'I am desperately looking for my very own ugly old git to send me vomit-inducing poetry' on my profile, but to be honest you're a bit too ugly, a tad too old, and a smidge too gittish for even my tastes. So my decision, I'm afraid, is no. No to whatever it is I was supposed to have made a decision on. Yours, decidedly

From Mr Immediate

4pm london zoo?

Dear Mr Immediate. Thanks for your email. I know we've not spoken much, well, we've not spoken at all in fact, I've only received those three wonderful words from you asking to meet me on our first date. However, I loved your profile and think we'd get on brilliantly. I'll be at the zoo at 4pm, hanging around the gorilla enclosure. Look for the one with the pretty hazel eyes, long black hair and wearing a hessian sack as a sun hat. Don't worry about the rather large guy beating his chest and bearing his teeth in the corner, he's all mouth and no furry trousers. Looking forward to meeting you and getting up to some monkey business ;-) Yours, ever apeful.

PS. Do you like bananas?

From Mr Mistaken Identity

Pfwoarr I like your picture in the skirt, you look great

Dear Mr Mistaken Identity. Thanks for your email, your most delightfully worded, not-remotely-sexist and rather cringe-worthy email. I would love to be flattered however I'm slightly bemused that you think I look good in a skirt, especially since my profile picture is just a head shot. How's about we say no more about this little misunderstanding and I never hear from you again, okay? Yours, skirtlessly.

From Mr Isle of Skye

Hi, sorry to intrude but are you only looking for someone that lives local to you? Just thought I'd ask first x

Dear Mr Isle of Skye. Thanks for your email. What is it with people not reading the catchment area of my ideal date? I live in London. I'm looking for someone in London. The Isle of Skye is an absolute mission away! I refer you to my previous missive to Mr Croatia, and say thanks but no thanks. Yours, southernly.

PS. Was it that photo of me in the fluffy woollen cardigan that did it for you? You need to get off the island.

From Mr Croatia

i do not know if i am far away to you. i like that part of europe and i think you need something real

Dear Mr Croatia. Thanks for your email. Yes, Croatia is pretty far away from London, 943.45 miles in fact. I'll be honest, I'm looking for someone local, someone in London. My ideal man is someone who's a tube ride away, but not a tube ride that involves more than one change, or one that is susceptible to engineering works every weekend, I'm talking 5 stops and a modest stroll from the station away. I'm not sure how many times I'd need to change train to get to Croatia, but since I'm loathe to ever travel south of the Thames or ever tackle the Piccadilly Line, I just can't see me making my way over to Eastern Europe to make your acquaintance. Sorry. Yours, distantly

14 August 2010

From Mr Remotely Tactile

Hi are you sitting comfortable then i give you a wink and a hug

Dear Mr Remotely Tactile. Thanks for your email. I was sitting comfortably until I read your missive. I am now sitting in a certain amount of discomfort with the feeling I have been in some way violated by a virtual stranger in my own home, and an eye on the door in case you and your brown suede-esque jacket, sex pest sunglasses and receding hairline walk in and attempt real life winking and hugging. Please don't do that again. Ever. Yours, rather uncomfortably.

From Mr Bad Chat Up Line

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Dear Mr Bad Chat Up Line. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I've just been made redundant from my recent position of Being Sexy on account of poor performance, bad colleague relations and general disorganisation. It's a very sore subject and I would rather we not talk about it. Instead, I'm going to pop down to the Jobcentre Plus to see what openings they have for Cynical Singletons and to collect my dole cheque. But if I see any ads for Sleazy Gross One Liner Peddlars, I'll be sure to let you know. Yours, unemployed.

From Mr Wrong Profile

hiya sweetheart am mr wrong profile, am honest fun lovin eastend guy u look ad sound very nice hun am 38 not 50 sorry but my profile is all wrong on here hun anyway if u would like 2 know more about me and c my pic please txt me on 0750* *** *** by hun xx xx

Dear Mr Wrong Profile. Thanks for your email. Pull the other one. 'I've got no pictures unless you text me and I am 12 years younger than my stated age.' I know I have a baby face, but do I really look like I was born yesterday? How can you get your own profile that wrong? Your own age, the wrong photo, any other essential vital statistics like where you live and what colour hair you have? Either you're the worst liar in history, or you've hijacked the dating profile of someone much older and much more unfortunate-looking than you. For a man of either of your ages I suggest you learn how to write like some semblance of a grown up, stop trying to convince people you're something you're clearly not and please do resist using 'hun' like some sort of punctuation mark. Yours, most unconvinced

From Mr Totally Random


I blame this message on your smile.
Here we go:
Ok, let me see... Yeah, I can cook. I can dance. Magic tricks? You betcha!
I'm so sharp it bleeds and just got my chemistry set delivered, etc.
I could be an ideal partner in crime but my parole officer probably think otherwise...
Where have you been, kid? Please allow me to tell you a little about myself (as my profile don't do much for me... If you don't read the excessive jive-talking as tongue-in-cheek you'll probably think I'm a bit of a dick):
I'm Brazilian born (but not your typical one, as I never watched a football game in my life) and been hopping around England for the past 8 years, mostly in London...You'll be happy to know that I not only know a vast amount of bad jokes but also create my own.
Well, that's me on a nutshell.
I liked your profile (awesome hair) and I thought it would be a good idea to send you this quick little note. We could both end up with a new friend, right?

Plant you now, dig ya later

Dear Mr Totally Random. Thanks for your email. Err...what? I think I'm getting to old for all this literary funk, I'm gonna take a rain check and go and work out if I need a chemistry-set touting Brazilian magician in my life. If you don't hear from me, assume I've decided I don't. Yours, totally bamboozled.

From Mr Banal

Hello, how are you doing? You come across as a very nice lady and I enjoyed looking at your profile.

I like walking, eating out, cinema, Television, music and visiting places of interest. What do you like to get up to in your spare time?

Take good care of yourself, have fun and have a great weekend, how are you spending it?
hugs x

Dear Mr Banal. Thanks for your email. I don't believe I've ever met a single person that doesn't like eating food they haven't had to prepare themselves on plates they won't have to wash up. Everyone loves eating out, it's fun, it's an occasion, it's sociable. And who doesn't like music? There are about a million different genres of music, and you'd be hard pressed to find someone that didn't like a single one of them. And you like watching things on big and small screens, well done you, it's a challenging past time isn't it, but no doubt very rewarding for you. Also, I believe the whole point of a place of interest is that it's interesting - unless you're biologically programmed without an inbuilt interest gland, you'd struggle to not find something about it vaguely interesting. And walking, well, heck, who hates walking? It's necessary to get from from A to B for those who have working legs. And for those with non-functioning legs, I'll wager they'd like walking even more if only they could. So in short, judging from your 'interests', you are exactly the same as every other one of the 6 billion people on the planet, bar maybe one or two who probably shouldn't consider themselves eligible partners for other human beings. How very original! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go for Curling practise and fly my pet peregrine falcon. Yours, originally

From Mr Peculiar

Dear Woman,

Who's there knock knock dr leg

I like cats they are quite nice.. Do you like soup?

really liked your little write up you did and you look pretty
in the pic..
can I get you anything?


10 shots of Tequila and a Blue Lagoon?

I imagine you get a fair bit of mail from all sorts of guys.
if you want a guy who can promise to make you laugh feel free to
drop me a line,

if not good luck with your search

Yours Sincerely

Mr Peculiar

Dear Mr Peculiar. Err...thanks for your email? I know you've promised to make me laugh, and don't get me wrong, you have, but in a very awkward 'ha ha ha is this guy on crack, will he try and murder me with a spoon and then wear my flesh as a dress' type of way. So on that note, I'll bid you farewell. Good luck with your search, there'll be some cat-owning, Blue Lagoon-loving, crack-dealing lady out there with your name on her somewhere, but that's probably because you've already Sharpied her when she wasn't looking. Yours, befuddledly.

From Mr Emoticon

Free AvatarsI am Mr Emoticon, Tongue Emoticons46, singleSad Emoticons, nice looking, Non Drinker,Free Avatars sensitive Free Userbars from Edgware, looking to meet,for Friendship Free Userbarsor RelationshipBanana Emoticons...Whereabouts in London are you? Free BlinkiesHope to hear from you.Free AvatarsFree Blinkies

Dear Mr Emoticon. Thanks for your email. You're 46 years old, I'm 29 years old. Neither of us are children, so I'm not entirely sure why you think filling an email with crap emoticons is going to win me over? Well, I've been doing my research, and I have found an emoticon that sums up my feelings rather well.
Free Blinkies
Yours, emoticon-demning.

13 August 2010

From Mr Equity

hey..i just joined and im waiting for my pic to clear..if you have msn i have a pic and cam on there.Im moving to london to buy a few propertys in a few weeks and would love to know what its like..your opinion would be appreciated

Dear Mr Equity. Thanks for your email. At first, judging from the webcam remark, I thought you might be one of those pervy types that just wanted to get me hooked on a webchat before whopping your cock out online and getting your jollies off. Then, when I read that you were thinking of buying properties, which was clearly designed to make go kerching! Potential pound signs, I'd obviously get in contact with you, give you some location advice and money to invest, and then you'd bugger off with my life savings in a bag to presumably go and buy more webcams, in front of which you'd probably whop your cock out again in front of even more unsuspecting singletons. No chance sunshine, I'm no fool. Find someone else to flash at and scam. Yours, most unconvinced.

PS. Skype me - 0781* *** ***

From Mr Mobster

im italian guy originally from brooklyn n.y. ex mob guy...... now living simple and peacful.if you have an open mind with a compassionate side great! if your scared cause of my honesty sorry.

Dear Mr Mobster. Thanks for your email. I can tell from your profile that you're a loving, caring, compassionate guy, as well as being stunningly gorgeous from what I can see from your photos. Sunglasses and Brylcream are definitely a good look for you. And that suit? Very sharp indeed. I can also see you're a worldly-wise man who looks out for his family and friends, and I find that an invaluable quality. To be honest, I don't think, with all your wonderful redeeming personal qualities, that I could ever be a good enough girlfriend to compliment you, you could do so much better than little old oh-so-very-humble me. So on this occasion, and with much regret, I'm going to say I don't think we're a suitable match. But this is only because you deserve so much better. Yours, unworthily.

PS. Please don't kill me. Or my family. Or leave some sort of animal head in my bed.

From Mr Saccharine

Hi... you are so sweet

Dear Mr Saccharine. Thanks for your email. It's true, I am sweet. I am so sweet, I am currently the leading cause of tooth loss in at least 23 countries around Europe, and am banned from entering American borders. I am so sugary, in fact, that the Food Standards Agency have officially labelled me as 837% of your Recommended Daily Amount of sugar. The sugar content in me is so unfeasibly high, I receive death threats from at least seventeen dentists daily, and I can send a diabetic into a coma at thirty paces. In short, as much as I would dearly love to make your acquaintance, I fear I would endanger your health. Yours, tooth-rottingly.

From Mr Eloquent

i want to have relation with you as you looks really nice to me. i want you to stare at me and also want to stare at you so that we can creat a world for each other what do you say?

Dear Mr Eloquent. Thanks for your email. You want to have a relation with me? What, like a child? Or a grandmother? I'll be honest, your profile picture is scarily starey, and I think I would much rather scoop out my eyeballs, polish them with an old Brillo pad, dip them in white wine vinegar and then pop them back into my skull than lay them on your glorious visage. In short, no. Yours, super-visually.

From Mr Skeptical 2

Are you real? x

Dear Mr Skeptical. Thanks for your email. Interesting question - am I real? It's something I'm wrestling with at the moment, perhaps I should refer you to my reply to Mr Unintentional Existentialist, below. Yours, really?

12 August 2010

From Mr Unintentional Existentialist

did you hurt yourself? cos heaven is such a long way to fall from. now i've got the cheesy chatup line out the way hehe, hows the week been treating your beautiful self?

Dear Mr Unintentional Existentialist. Thanks for your email. Well, I'll be honest my week was fine until your email, which has caused me considerable concern. You see, I don't believe in heaven - in my mind, there isn't one. I believe that upstairs, apart from maybe my bedroom, bathroom and attic is air, cloud of various shapes and sizes depending on the weather, the odd plane and flock of starlings, and then space. A whole vast expanse of space. So, if I truly fell from heaven, which as I have just explained doesn't exist, or at least I don't believe it exists, then where does that leave me? Do I come from equally unknown and mythological origins, assuming the traditional 'popped out of my mum's tum' was just some yarn someone once spun me to detract from the existential nightmare that was my creation? Or do I quite simply not exist, because I don't believe in that from which I was created? If that is the case, who on earth do you think you you writing to? And who is replying? That is, if this actually is a reply, and not just a figment of my non-existent self's imagined imagination in response to your presumption of the nature of my existence? Given the circumstances I'll happily turn a blind eye to the fact that was quite possibly the cheesiest chat up line in history, because as I'm sure you can appreciate, I now have bigger things to worry about. Yours, questionably

From Mr Bus Pass

Hey I was passing and just thought I'd say hi, be rude not to in my book. I know I'm prob out of your age range but I'd love to have a chin wag with you sometime but If I'm not what you're looking for or I don't catch your eye I'll jog-on and leave you be.

Dear Mr Bus Pass. Thanks for your email. Jog on you say? With your dicky hip and ticker? Are you sure that's a good idea? Do me a favour and please keep it to a slow saunter as you roll that zimmer frame on by, I'd hate to have your health on my conscience. Yours, youthfully.

From Mr Exciting

Hello lovely lady, I really liked your profile & images. You seem very nice & cute. Love the long brown hair. I bet you that I can plan a very exciting day filled with lots of surprises in London for us... You seem like someone who will enjoy a visit to the Tate gallery followed by lunch at the OXO tower???

Dear Mr Exciting. Thanks for your email. I'm glad you like my hair, I grew it myself. I'm sure you could plan a very exciting day in London, however I suspect you may have ruined the surprises already in your email by telling me that we'd go to the Tate and then the Oxo tower. Shame. I was totally interested otherwise. And I would have even come along wearing my hair. Oh well. Yours, unsurprisingly.

From Mr Distant

ive just realised im 349 miles away from my dream girl lol your next doot neighbour is stunning hehe xx its u im joking x

Dear Mr Distant. Thanks for your email. My next door neighbour will be very pleased to hear you think they're stunning, he's been single for ages and you look like just his type, he likes 'em round and furry. Unfortunately, you're nowhere near mine, and quite frankly, I'm not sure 349 miles is quite far enough. Yours, from a computer far far away

From Mr Electricity

Hi how are you? Im Mr Electricity and live in london, im electrician and im looking to meet some to share my feelings with. You sound nice. Im new on here but i will add some photos soon. Would you care to talk to me because i would like to know more about you

Dear Mr Electricity. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I just don't think there's that spark there.


Yours, unoriginally

09 August 2010

From Mr Worthy

Hi. I just finished reading your profile and thought it sounded really nice and you look lovely too. I do care work with 2-6 year old kids that have autism and are disabled and also help my mum out with her work for the marie curie cancer trust. Have a nice day enjoy the sunshine.

Dear Mr Worthy. Thanks for your email. I think you may be messaging the wrong person, I think you need to contact Buckingham Palace to get a medal for your charitable work, or to get your name on the future New Year Honours List. If that's not enough, perhaps you should consider dropping a line to him upstairs to get your seat reserved in heaven for when you part this mortal coil. Anyway, good luck on your quest for accolades, I’m assuming a patronising pat on the back from a virtual stranger won’t suffice? Yours, uncharitably.

08 August 2010

From Mr Perceptive

Hey! Come and chat…Its as simple as that. You caught my attention. Most people on here come across as totally self-obsessed…you seem a little different…;)

Dear Mr Perceptive. Thanks for your email. Not totally self-obsessed eh? Clearly you've never read my blog...Yours, egomaniacally

From Mr 'Kooky'

Hello. I saw your profile this afternoon and I thought I'd send a message to say hello. I'm sure you have had quite a few guys email you already saying things like "i like your profile picture" or "check my profile out I think we'd get on". I find this approach a bit boring so I thought I'd jazz things up a little with a different approach. So how about a fun game with me to get to know each other a little bit better? All you have to do is reply back with 4 'facts' about yourself although one has to be a lie. So to get the ball rolling (for you to win a kitkat) I will give you 4 'facts' about me and you have to guess which one is the lie, ok here goes: An Oscar Nominee came to my house party, A one eyed man stopped me in april outside the tube to show me his "missing" eye, I'm the inventor of the Funky Octopus dance move or I have trespassed into the Blue Peter garden. Bye for now.

Dear Mr 'Kooky'. Thanks for your email. Wow, you are original. Hats off, kudos and other such congratulatory cliches for that, with your rather novel internet dating quiz. And what an incentive!  Ladies just love that chocolate stuff don't they? We are just too predictable, us and our whimsical ovaries! Ah, what gender-specific larks indeed! So if I get through this round, what is the next prize; a handbag, a pair of shoes maybe? No, wait, a DVD of the Notebook? A year's subscription to Cosmopolitan? I am on tenterhooks. Anyway, back to the game in question...hmm...I'll wager the one that is not true is the one-eyed man one, the reason being, when people tell lies, they always include way too much information. As for the others, each and every one of them is a reason why I will never go on a date with you. Here is why:

1. An Oscar nominee came to your house - clearly you're trying to impress here, but the fact you've not even name-dropped means it must be someone nominated for the most obscure category, such as Best Use of the Word Merkin in a Foreign Film, or Best Animal Fluffer. No.
2. You invented a Funky Octopus dance - you may call it 'funky', but I'll bet your friends call it 'an embarrassing drunken shambles worthy of public mockery and exposition on Youtube'. No.
3. You trespassed in the Blue Peter garden - this alone is sacrilege. I couldn't be seen with someone with such little respect for one of our good nation's treasures. No.

But, since I'm in a playful mood, I'll set you a challenge too. Your challenge is to work out which of the facts about me is not true. And then, if you would still consider going on a date with me.

1. According to my beautician, I am in the top 5% of people with the highest density of body hair ever found on a human back
2. I suffer from a rare condition called Fish Odour Syndrome.
3. My false leg has a snap-on attachment for roller skates.
4. I hold the record for the most toenails eaten in an hour.

Can you tell what it is yet? Answers on a postcard. Yours, truthfully.

From Mr Biblical

hi how are ya my name is adam xx

Hi Adam. Thanks for your email. My name is Eve. Now, I know what you're thinking, we sound like we'd make a really fantastic couple. Well, on paper, maybe. You'd take me on a romantic day trip to Kew Gardens, we'd share a few jokes in the reptile house, you'd sing a little bit of Genesis and perhaps pinch some fruit from the orchard and then *boom* before we know it, we're naked. In public. Sorry sunshine, I know your sort, and I'm not going down that route again - once bitten, twice shy. So before you persist, my answer is no, no and thrice no. How do you like them apples? Yours, fruitlessly

From Mr Bumber

I just bumbed your profile and I love it! You are a stunner and cute..Hows your day been? you having a nice night so far? X

Dear Mr Bumber. You bumbed my profile? Without the common courtesy of asking? How dare you! Seriously, how very dare you! Get off my profile right now before I call the online anti-bumbing authorities, you sick sick poor-innocent-profile-bumbing beast. Yours, violatedly

From Mr Airwaves

weekend going ok, im on the radio today

Dear Mr Airwaves. Thanks for your email. I'm glad your weekend is going okay, how lovely for you to volunteer such information given I didn't ask in the first place. I am also glad you are on the radio today too, because judging from your profile pictures, that is the only suitable place for you. Which channel will you be on? I'm suffering from terrible insomnia at the moment and could do with something to send me off to sleep. If your show is anything like your correspondence, there may be a nationwide Flash Forward style blackout thanks to your broadcast. Yours, soporifically

05 August 2010

From Mr Metaphor

Don’t you think its quite hard to write anything as a first message without sounding like the rest of them.... hi, how are you? Blah Blah blah....copy and paste, copy and paste, just seems to be a bit..... blend and predictable.... so instead I am going to.... sell you myself as a dish (being a culinary wizard and all that) for some banter back (hopefully)... and whats better to break the ice than something cheesy, hey?!

so here we go.....

A well-dressed sporty gentleman dish of honest food of good quality. Diverse, can be consumed as a formal meal or causual lunch/dinner. A dish cooked by a confident chef with no excess oil (baggage), lots of cheeky banter, fun, spontaneous ideas and "get up and go" attitude. A naturally warm dish, the heat in this lasts a while and particuarly good for winter months for indoor and outdoor environment (i.e I dont get cold, rather than anything sinister). A dish best accompanied with chablis or any good white wine

Warning: This dish does not come with (couch) potato

so would this lady like to see the rest of the menu? or do you prefer a boring chat up?

Dear Mr Metaphor. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed as metaphor-intolerant and have been put on a very strict imaginary diet. I fear that if we were to meet, my head would symbolically swell up to the size of a durian, I'd break out in a pseudo-leprotic rash and then would invariably die of imaginary anaphalaxis. It is therefore in my metaphysical welfare to stay well away from you. I'm sure you will understand. Yours, allegorically allergic.

From Mr No Os

Hi, Ypu lppk great and spund enchanting!
If ypu'd cpnsider spmepne plder fpr spmething casual then PLEASE reply to me.
What is ypur name, dp u use a partner's full name during mpments of passipn? xxx

Dear Mr No Os. Thanks for your email. Admittedly, the fact that you had to write in capitals in order to get to me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged for some sort of inappropriate favour. With the greatest respect, surely a man of your esteemed years would have thought it prudent to get one's keyboard fixed before trying to e-woo someone half your age? And I literally am half your age. As for using a lover's full name in moments of passion. PLEASE. I can only say to you oh no Mr No Os. Now if you will please excuse me, I have to go and remind myself of my real age. You might want to do so yourself. Yours, youthfully and keyboard-intactly.

Ps. In case it's not just your keyboard that has a problem with Os, here's a translation of the above text:

Dear Mr Np Ps. Thanks fpr ypur email. Admittedly, the fact that ypu had tp write in capitals in prder tp get tp me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged fpr spme sprt pf inapprppriate favpur. With the greatest respect, surely a man pf ypur esteemed years wpuld have thpught it prudent tp get pne's keybpard fixed befpre trying tp e-wpp spmepne half ypur age? And I literally am half ypur age. As for using a lpver's full name in mpments of passipn. PLEASE! I can pnly say tp ypu ph np Mr Np Ps. Npw if ypu will please excuse me, I have tp gp and remind myself pf my real age. Ypu might want tp dp sp ypurself. Ypurs, yputhfully and keybpard-intactly.

From Mr Aesthetically-Challenged-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close

Hi there.

I read your profile, found it interesting so I figured I'd write
to you and see what happens.

I live out in the countryside right up against the South Downs,
Brighton is less than 10 miles away.

A little bit about me now, here are a few things that I like:

• Sport (Cricket a lot, play & watch)
• The outdoors
• Country walks
• Photography (Started my degree last September)
• Films
• Science
• TV
• Animals
• Australia

If you like what you have read so far take a look at my profile,
you’ll find out much more about me who knows you might even like

So drop me a line (so long as my profile photos don’t make you
scream & run away)

Dear Mr Aesthetically-Challenged-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close. Thanks for your email.


*slams door*

04 August 2010

From Mr Burberry

ello hun :) i like your pictures and profile fancy chatting sometime im from London

Dear Mr Burberry. Thanks for your email. You're from London too? What are the odds! We have so much in common! I like your pictures too - especially the one showing off that lovely gold 'dad' ring of yours and those beautiful sovereigns - they match your teeth. And I've always had a soft spot for a man in a football strip - it looks really good on you, the colour really brings out your good eye. And are they your Rottweilers? I used to have one myself...until he took a chunk out of the neighbour's son, rest in peace dear old Mutley. Anyway I'll be honest with you, my personal situation has changed slightly since I initially signed up to the site, but if you're still interested in 12-18 months (pending good behaviour), I'll be back in London proper. In the meantime, please do feel free to write to me at HMP Holloway. Yours, incarceratedly.

From Mr Minimalist

you are truely stunning

Dear Mr Minimalist. Thanks for your email, albeit a very brief email. What, no intro? No hi, hello or howdy? Not even a cheap shot at a kiss at the end, or a sniff of a full stop, exclamation mark or rogue asterisk? And I don't mean to be a pedant, but in terms of spelling, your message is 25% incorrect. Anyway technicalities aside, I would dearly love to be able to return the compliment, but you don't have appear to have any pictures on your profile. I have therefore deduced that you are either unfeasibly and inappropriately unattractive, permanently scarred facially by a freak incident involving a squirrel, a stapler and a chip pan, or, you're ginger. And looks aside, you've skimped on the text side too. I shall cut and paste your personal statement to prove said point:

I like going to pubs and clubs, non-smoker. Can cook.

And in terms of who you're looking to meet, it's true, I do fit your specified criteria, but that's only because I'm somewhere between the ages of 18 and 55, have some sort of body shape, and my height is somewhere between Warwick Davis and Andre the Giant. In short, it's a little hard to feel special when it seems pretty much anyone will do, as long as they physically exist in space and have a pulse; hair optional, apparently. Yours, unflatterdly

From Mr Entrepreneur

Hi. I am holding my version of Sir Alan's Sugar 'The Apprentice'. Lately all candidates have been fired before the end of the show. I thought you might be willing to participate!

Dear Mr Entrepreneur. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I thought this was a dating site? Correct me if I'm wrong, but where on a personal profile including headers such as sexual preference, romantic habits and lifestyle choices would I find boxes for employment history, career goals and references? Given the fact I'm single and on a dating site, I can't guarantee that any referees of my 'former romantic employment' would be likely to give me a sparkling reference. At least nothing for skills that Lord Sugar would approve of. So either you have genuinely mistaken this website for some sort of high-powered management recruitment scheme or you have some slightly perverted I'll-Be-The-Lord-You-Be-My-Badger fantasy in mind. If it's the former case, my suggestion is make the most of these single ladies that are just one misguided email away. But if it's the latter, then shame on you, you dirty badger-masterbating bastard. Yours, fired.

03 August 2010

From Mr Stalker

Hey! Checking out my profile and not saying hello. How rude.

Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. And the wink beforehand that prompted me to check the profile of the winker in question. My reasons for not sending you a message are threefold. Let me list for you:
1. Your height is listed at 5'2". As a fellow five-foot-twosian I appreciate quite how midgetlike I am, and find something very eerie about being able to make direct level eye contact with a potential suitor.
2. You list the last thing you read as The London Lite. The London Lite has been no more since November last year. Please tell me you've read something since. And no, the Metro doesn't count. Nor does the the label on your steroid bottle.
3. You work in medicine / dental / veterinary. I do not wish to date someone who will diagnose me with leprosy, cavities or foot and mouth. Yours, avoidingly.

From Mr Verbose (original message unedited)

Good dawn / day / dusk,

Please excuse the verbosity, it is in fact the side effect of the need to connect with whomsoever you are all the way on the other side of the digital divide. I mean, where is one to start....Oh golly we have our favourite colour / star sign / place of birth in common! That's a fertile ground for mind-enlivening conversation.

Well, excuse me I seem to have forgotten the cardinal rule of written communication: Do not employ sarcasm with unknown recipients. Ah well, its done now. I trust you understand & can find it in your heart to forgive a rambling man, especially when driven by the intention of making the best possible impression to the extent that all later impressions will be somewhat disappointing.

Right I just remembered that these letters generally awaken the reader with a ...

How art thou?

I have to say that I never thought i would happen across another who looks like they would appreciate the deeply artful act of scoffing Wasabi Peas. I throw done my spiced gauntlet and challenge you to a pea-popping duel. Bansai!

I really do not want to sound so utterly imaginatively bankrupt in my response to your profile, which raised more than one cheer, but I guess it is a little thing to present which might inspire some thing great, but I have a vast love for food, in all forms. Tell me of the last thing you ate.

And where, for I have intentions of finding all the good good eats in which to rest after / during / before an urban ramble. I keep being drawn into the British museum, it will not relinquish its hold on my soul. Being there fills me with a guilty pleasure for all that earthly consciousness bound up in one place. Oh and the food, the food, the Food of Borough market...Sigh...

It seems that I may become obese but it is all good because my wallet is becoming proportionally lighter.

What I do truly love is Music. I will try to restrain myself from an RSI inducing ramble but if I may offer up one thing let it be this...

“We'll take ourselves out in the streets
Wear the blood in our cheeks
like red roses”

It doesn't seem as wholesome as it does when sung. And you should sing it.
The National are on long held love of mine.

Damn this is hard, how is one to convey a sense of onself without coming across more than a little coneited, I am trying to keep this light and conversation al, keeping in all of the skips, pauses and partial sentences in the hope that a brighter picture may be painted, but perhaps I am just rambling.

Truly frustrating, No?

How is one to communicate with all the bodylanguage unkown, are you bored, are you leaning into the screen?

Me? I am sat legs crossed at the ankle, laptop atop my lap, periodically gazing out the window to the sky, fairly relaxed apart from my furrowed brow, and hungering for chilled glass of lemonade.

Ok be sensible tell her something about your self Mr Verbose,
di I mention my favourite colour was blue?
Lord bless us all! For the neverending magic!

What have I done today? Well..I dreamt that I roamed through the british museum and discovered number of food stuffs and let them explore me from the inside (i can be extremely generous you know) it was more than a treat but alas now I am more than knackered and yearn for quiet to unknot and settle my thoughts. Also my belly requires a little more space than my trousers can cater for.
I hope I dont take somebodies eye out when this button...POPS! Whoosh! Crnch! Arghh!

Where was I?
Music, how do you feel about The National?

Now, I must warn you about my fierce and jubiliant love for these sounds. So negative answers may be responded to with hot pokers to ones ear drums, well they weren't working beforehand so...
I was lucky enough see them last month. It is such a joy to hear live music, it has been a while since I went to a gig, it has been I while since I felt the need to declare my love for a piece of music and these songs feel like warm and generous friends.

What do you spend your day listening to?
I have a bad habit of needing to listen music while cooking which invariably leads to dancing between fridge and stove whilst singing into a wooden spoon. But my flatmate enjoys the end result , which makes me want to write a kareoke cook book, or even a fitness video.

I know I should be asking you questions about your good self but I refuse to ask you what your favourite colour is, where you went on holiday, or the name of your pets... but...
Please tell me if you have a thing for collecting conkers, that might just make my day.

Take care
Mr Verbose

Warning: Boring question sprouting - What are you reading right now (apart from this)?

Dear Mr Verbose. Thanks for your email, your very very very long email. No possible response from me could do justice to the frightening diatribe you've just unleashed on my poor unsuspecting inbox, so best we call it quits, you get yourself back on the Ritalin and we'll say nothing more about this. Yours, gobsmackedly

01 August 2010

From Mr Ambitious

Loved your profile and pics, so much so, I felt compelled to write; its quite hard I think getting the balance right when putting a profile together to show oneself as interesting, intelligent, fun and sexy; but I think you hit that nail right on the head. So I imagine you have been inundated with proposals of various sorts, hopefully all very gracious, but my advice is to ignore them all and just take notice of mine, as I’d love to wine and dine you to get to know you better, so what you waiting around for all I need is a Yes…

Dear Mr Ambitious. Thanks for your email. No.

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates