30 November 2010

From Doggyfucker

Be honest, what are you looking for here? ;)

Dear Doggyfucker. Thanks very much for your email. I genuinely couldn't care less what you've written me - you could have crafted prose entertaining enough to bedaub Eddie Izzard a shade of 'envious green', scribbled sylvan stanzas stunning enough to solicit a swoon from Shakespeare, and written the sort of wise witticisms that would wilt Wittgenstein himself and I still wouldn't be interested. And why is this you ask? Well I'll tell you...you're a West Ham supporter. Sorry love, that's a red card in my book. Yours, disinterestedly.

PS. Nice username.

From Mr Vertical

Hi! What's up?

Dear Mr Vertical. Thanks for your email. What's up you ask? A few things I suspect, mainly share prices in Mattessons and your cholesterol if your photos are anything to go by. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not sure I could date someone who is so large they have their own personal postcode and gravitational force, it'd make getting parcels delivered a bit of a trick, and leaving you impossible. Yours, diminutively.

From Mr Anatomical

hi what would you say was the best part of your body and why?

Dear Mr Anatomical. Thanks for your email. Hmm, what is the best part of my body and why? Well, I think it would have to be my gargantuan penis, which is affectionately known around these parts as The Leviathan. What about your? Yours, endowedly.

From Mr Accusatory

You took my breath away!

Dear Mr Accusatory. Thanks for your email. So I did - sorry about that - here, have it back. Yours, breathlessly

01 November 2010

From Mr Mistaken

a zebra is white and black animal?

Dear Mr Mistaken. Thanks for your email. I do believe you have sent me a message by accident - this is a dating site, not your year 7 science class. But while we're here, yes, a zebra is black and white, yes, yes, a triangle has three sides and no, I won't tell you where babies come from. Sorry. Yours, educatedly

From Mr Normal

I am about to give up on this site. I've been a member for for a while and I can't find any normal people on here..hopefully until now

Dear Mr Normal. Thanks for your email. Nope, keep looking...Yours, abnormally

Mr One Night Only

Are you just looking for fun?  im in London for one night next weekend thats all x

Dear Mr One Night Only. Thanks for your email. So very sorry to have missed you last weekend, I was out of town, unintentionally of course. I will be in London for the foreseeable future, so the next time you happen to be breezing into town and need some hot, no-strings action, then please give me sufficient warning. And then I'll ensure I'm well out of Greater London. Yours, avoidingly

Mr Indecisive

>Would you rather have a wooden leg or a glass eye?

Dear Mr Indecisive. Thanks for your email. Well since I have both wooden leg and glass eye, it's not much of a choice really. I think the real question is which would you rather I removed during the physical act of love? You decide. and then tell me over a drink? Yours, decisively

From Mr Suspicious

hey I'm Mr Suspicious, I liked your profile so just
wanted to say hello! I was going to give my
name in full but there's always an outside
chance of you being a stalking axe
murderer, maybe on the next message...
So what part of London are you from?

Dear Mr Suspicious. Thanks for your email. Oh no, don't worry about me, I've never held an axe before in my life, so you're perfectly safe there! I'm much more of a polonium fan myself. Fancy going for a drink, or a bite to eat? Sushi perhaps? Yours, toxically

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