21 December 2010

From Mr Unsure

What on earth am i suppose to write as a first message after reading that?

Dear Mr Unsure. Thanks for your email. Well, for starters, write something better than that. Anything in fact! Well, maybe not anything...have you read my blog?
Yours, surely.

From Mr Mistaken 2

Hey blondie! Hows it going? Nice profile and big cheeky smile lol! Hows your week going? X

Dear Mr Mistaken. Thanks for your email. I'm afraid I am neither a blonde nor a Debbie Harry lookalike, so I can only assume you believe you're writing to the beautiful golden-locked model on the left hand side advertising some sort of shampoo. Well you're wrong on three counts there. Nevermind. Yours, brown-hairedly, glass-heartedly and mis-modellingly

From Mr Belmarsh

hey, am looking for somebody to hook up with

Dear Mr Belmarsh. Thanks for your email. As flattered as I am by your message, I'm afraid I'm unable to oblige. Nice try Abu Hamza. Yours, 'armlessly

From Miss Sweden

You are so so so pretty! :)

Dear Miss Sweden. Thanks for your email. You are also so so so pretty. You are also so so so female. Which is so so so not what I'm looking for. Swap an X for a Y at chromosome level and then maybe we can talk. Yours, eXXclusively

From Mr Game

guess who? x

Dear Mr Game. Thanks for your email.

Are you a man?
Are you ginger?
Have you got a funny little beard?
Are you balding?
Do you have round rosy cheeks?
Is your head shaped just like a Kinder egg?
Are you Bill?

Wow, you're hot. For a Milton Bradley game character...

Yours, inquisitively

From Mr Random Scenario

Your in a little bit of a rush at the supermarket checkout queue. A tiny frail old lady behind you with just durex lubricant asks if she can push in front. Do you say:
A) sure
B) hows get fucked sound
c) Take the lubricant and say thanks, you didnt realised you dropped it?

Dear Mr Random Scenario. Thanks for your email. I have to say, I would choose none of the above. I would go for:

D) 'Nanna, remember what happened to your Yorkshire puddings the last time you left the bungalow without your glasses on? Now go back to the baking aisle and pick up the real vegetable oil like you're supposed to, there's a good girl.'

So there. Yours, correctively.

From Mr Lyrical

I wrote a song for you. It goes:

I've got a length,
Yeah, I gotta length,
Girth girth girth length.

What do you think...?

Dear Mr Lyrical. Thanks for your email. That song was shit, you've not made it through to the next round. Yours, Simon Cowell

From Mr Indecision

Kitchen worktop or comfy bed?

Dear Mr Indecision. Thanks for your email. Well, kitchen worktop of course! You'll never get the carrot stains out of your sheets if you insist on chopping vegetables in bed. Silly billy. Yours, decisively

From Mr Writer

Nice fun profile, I am probably too far from you to have
a chance to attract your attention but if you fancy a penfriend,
you do sound like a fun chick to chat with :)

Dear Mr Writer. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, are we back at school? I think you might be on the wrong website - this here is a dating website, which, in case you weren't aware is an online medium for finding a potential romantic partner, not to find someone to whom you can scribble tedious missives about grandparents, school holidays and homework, surrounded by puerile doodles. May I direct you to www.penfriendsreunited.com for such purposes. Yours, pen unfriendly

From Mr Gift

Look under the Christmas tree..I'm your gift! I think we could really have fun and hit it off, do you want to meet?

Dear Mr Gift. Thanks for your email. Oh for fuck's sake! I'd been so good this year, and this is what I get? Have you still got the receipt? Even the cash would be preferable, I certainly wouldn't consider your presence good presents. Screw you Santa, next year I'm converting to Judaism. Yours, misgiftedly

From Mr Sleaze


Great legs!! I'm expecting a txt with the opening times!!

07950 *** ***

Mr Sleaze

Dear Mr Sleaze. Thanks for your email. I regret to inform you that 'Great Legs' has since ceased trading. This is due to the large number of undesirables hanging around the entrance trying to get their hands on the available stock. Management would like to thank you for your interest in 'Great Legs', but strongly advises you take your custom elsewhere. Yours, legrettably.

From Mr Foot Fetishist

Hi, can I kiss your feet ? :)

Dear Mr Foot Fetishist. Thanks for your email. Sure, you can kiss my feet. Can I wax them first? Yours, hobbitually.

From Mr Pessimist 2

dont reply, noone else does !

30 November 2010

From Doggyfucker

Be honest, what are you looking for here? ;)

Dear Doggyfucker. Thanks very much for your email. I genuinely couldn't care less what you've written me - you could have crafted prose entertaining enough to bedaub Eddie Izzard a shade of 'envious green', scribbled sylvan stanzas stunning enough to solicit a swoon from Shakespeare, and written the sort of wise witticisms that would wilt Wittgenstein himself and I still wouldn't be interested. And why is this you ask? Well I'll tell you...you're a West Ham supporter. Sorry love, that's a red card in my book. Yours, disinterestedly.

PS. Nice username.

From Mr Vertical

Hi! What's up?

Dear Mr Vertical. Thanks for your email. What's up you ask? A few things I suspect, mainly share prices in Mattessons and your cholesterol if your photos are anything to go by. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not sure I could date someone who is so large they have their own personal postcode and gravitational force, it'd make getting parcels delivered a bit of a trick, and leaving you impossible. Yours, diminutively.

From Mr Anatomical

hi what would you say was the best part of your body and why?

Dear Mr Anatomical. Thanks for your email. Hmm, what is the best part of my body and why? Well, I think it would have to be my gargantuan penis, which is affectionately known around these parts as The Leviathan. What about your? Yours, endowedly.

From Mr Accusatory

You took my breath away!

Dear Mr Accusatory. Thanks for your email. So I did - sorry about that - here, have it back. Yours, breathlessly

01 November 2010

From Mr Mistaken

a zebra is white and black animal?

Dear Mr Mistaken. Thanks for your email. I do believe you have sent me a message by accident - this is a dating site, not your year 7 science class. But while we're here, yes, a zebra is black and white, yes, yes, a triangle has three sides and no, I won't tell you where babies come from. Sorry. Yours, educatedly

From Mr Normal

I am about to give up on this site. I've been a member for for a while and I can't find any normal people on here..hopefully until now

Dear Mr Normal. Thanks for your email. Nope, keep looking...Yours, abnormally

Mr One Night Only

Are you just looking for fun?  im in London for one night next weekend thats all x

Dear Mr One Night Only. Thanks for your email. So very sorry to have missed you last weekend, I was out of town, unintentionally of course. I will be in London for the foreseeable future, so the next time you happen to be breezing into town and need some hot, no-strings action, then please give me sufficient warning. And then I'll ensure I'm well out of Greater London. Yours, avoidingly

Mr Indecisive

>Would you rather have a wooden leg or a glass eye?

Dear Mr Indecisive. Thanks for your email. Well since I have both wooden leg and glass eye, it's not much of a choice really. I think the real question is which would you rather I removed during the physical act of love? You decide. and then tell me over a drink? Yours, decisively

From Mr Suspicious

hey I'm Mr Suspicious, I liked your profile so just
wanted to say hello! I was going to give my
name in full but there's always an outside
chance of you being a stalking axe
murderer, maybe on the next message...
So what part of London are you from?

Dear Mr Suspicious. Thanks for your email. Oh no, don't worry about me, I've never held an axe before in my life, so you're perfectly safe there! I'm much more of a polonium fan myself. Fancy going for a drink, or a bite to eat? Sushi perhaps? Yours, toxically

27 October 2010

Mr Reversible

U sound like a looney n luk like a 18 yr old

Dear Mr Reversible. Thanks for your email. Funny that, you look like a loony and sound like an 18 year old. I don't think we're compatible, sorry. Yours, irreversibly

From Mr Potty

What can you pot other than plants? Or am I being a bit thick?

Dear Mr Potty. Thanks for your email. Hmm, good question. Here are some things I believe you can pot:

Snooker balls

Electronics (thanks Wikipedia)

Has that answered your question? Is there anything else I can help you with before you potter off? A date maybe? Oh, okay then, sorry, my mistake. Yours, most pot off

From Mr Wrestler

i can do it like the rock!!! wwe superstar!

Dear Mr Wrestler. Thanks for your email. You can 'do it' like The Rock can you? What, cold, hard, heavy and grey? No thanks. Yours, stonily.

From Mr Straightforward

Hi there, how r u? My name is Alex, nice to meet u? I'm a straightforward person. I'm married, but looking for someone to have sex with on the side.
Let me know if u're interested 07538 *** ***

Take care. Mr Straightforward xxxx

Dear Mr Straightforward. Thanks for your email. I am also a straightforward person. Fuck off. I do not want to have anything remotely to do with someone who's clearly trawling the internet for someone to shag behind their poor ignorant wife's back, let alone physically exchange a modicum of bodily fluid with them. I hope your vile philandering antics are rewarded in full with a big stack of divorce papers and a raging case of cock rot. Yours, brutally and honestly

From Mr Big Stuff

Well..well...well...helloooooooooo gorgeous personage !!

I probably don't qualify... but what the hell.. after all... faint heart ne'er won fair doo dah..
Too late I'll warrant... ah well...
I suspect that this email lies somewhere between No 846 and 961... nevertheless....
I was marginally intrigued (and amused ) by your most charming and inviting profile. A kindred spirit indeed !!!
So much so that I was forcibly dragged to the computer to put pen to paper, so to speak !!!!!
I have just joined this website. Thank goodness !!... How else would I have met you...!!. However I’m still not too sure about chatting attractive (as I see that that you are)females using this email malarky !!!

Anyway a bit about me :
I am a very rich 50 (damn curse and blast!) year old bad boy living in London.

Why do I need to tell you that I am rich ? Is it really necessary ? And, pray, why am I a bad boy ?
I’m sure that a prompt receipt of a missive from your good self will elicit from me the answers to these life enhancing questions............and more ........!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the reason my profile is somewhat sparse with no current photo, is because I am well known in certain parts of the West End of London and I do need to protect my identity. I would be happy to send you my photos, now that I have established I don’t already know you !!!

I am well aware that I am not as young as you would like... but nevertheless I am highly experienced sexually, ( and I am sure you are well aware that any man who claims this tends to be wholly inadequate..so there !!), and have very many attributes.. so if you would care to further explore this delicate contact.. I would of course be delighted...ta !!

Kindest Regards
Mr Big Stuff ..

P.S. I just lurrve exclamation marks !!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr Big Stuff. Thanks for your email. So you're 50 years old and brag-worthily rich - well done you, is one supposed to cancel out the other in the mind of male-daters? Well what redeeming characteristic can you boast about to compensate for your frightening adoration for certain forms of punctuation? What also concerns me slightly is how famous (or infamous) you may be around the West End - and by my powers of deduction you are either the old guy in Les Miserables, the old guy in Oliver! or one of the old guys in Waiting For Godot. In any case, consider this one fair doo-dah you've not won. Sorry. Yours, confuddledly

24 October 2010

From Mr Diatribe

I'm 27 years old, with different origins,
searching for a potential life partner .. . I'm
originally from madeira ( a portuguese island )
& tunisia. Dad's tunisian & mom's from madeira.
My parents met in uk where i've born &
i left england when i was 1 year old .. . then lived
in france till today. I'm not a present physically
& you will always find better elsewhere, but
appearances are superfluous & unsubstantial
in life. Bodies are subjected to decomposition
as time passes by, and only our soul & memories
remain .. . Gainsbourg: "Unattractiveness has that
something superior to the beauty, It lasts .. ."
When you've understood that, you also try
not to impose yourself frustrating vain
restrictions & your life becomes more
profitable. Also, it costs me nothing
to send you a letter :) absolutely nothing .. .
Well, i've never really worked till today,
because i had the oportunity to be supported
for a long time by parents who are living
in a detached house actually & other family
members, but also because when you live
on your own, you have less financial needs
and responsibilities. They've lent me their
old apartment. I've never got to work because
there wasn't any good reason in my life to do it,
& also because i've wasted a lot of time
being focused on music, or spending nights
with receptionist friends, in local hotels of paris.
With emptyness, spiritually lost i've never took
the time to look for a life partner, my second half,
cause i was absorbed by musical composition &
i lost my time with it, in deep depression, not
knowing that i was avoiding a normal life with
constant affection & passion. But my family's
big here, so i will always find a place in any
administration, or i can always find a place
in a warehouse to package anything. I've
never been worried about it, & i can get that
right away, if i see that we both can make the
difference over this big place, called earth .. .
The problem was that i've denied the fact that
music couldn't be a benefit, professionally,
even though i've never really faced decisive
deceptions in that domain. But i've neglected
the fact that there could be no garanty, in a
predifined time, moreover, with laxism. That's why,
i want to first, start to make my life, get a stupid job
& work all nights in that project, until i finally &
eventually, get a contract in that domain. Cause
that's what i always wanted to succeed with,
in my life. I want to get involved in a serious
relationship, cause today, i'm 27 years old,
& i forgot to live with too much interest i gave
to composition of music & reverie. I've never
went to a concervatory &started in a self-taught
way. That's why it takes a while to arrange
any melodies .. . That's one of my main
difficulties in it, but apart from that &
as long as i don't know today, if i'll ever
get a contract as a composer because of my
morbid laxism .. . I just want to have a basic
& normal life with a woman i'd love with
passional instinct & never complacent love,
or social conformism, & have my awn family.
My interests in composition are related to
soundtracks. & i like any kind of music that
has a valuable melody or arrangment, the
opposite of "vain noise" .. . I dont know
wich language you speak, but we might
communicate in english, or in french ... .
I speak french, english, portuguese, &
spanish because of my origins :) I have a
brother who's 19 years old & who has his
own private life. We're very private, he has
his life, i have mine. I'm not very communicative
with the family cause i like my privacy & want
to stay in my world .. . Invasive family endlessly
reminds you parental tutelage & locks you in
a restrictive environment of life. School was never
important to me, cause in fact .. . even if
i became a book keeper, it would have never
been a pride to make studies & do that kind
of job in the end. I started to study that
before, but when i saw the counting plan
 the teacher said, you see this plan ?
well you will have to know almost every
count of it (almost 50 000 references )
at the end of the 2 years .. . I said all right,
i'm not a machine, many thanks but that's
not for me )) I was 18 years old, & that's
where i started to become interestd
in musical composition until today.
So if we got along together, i'd get a first
job just to have our own life & privacy &
still keep working at nights with my other
project. Do you understand that, in france,
you wouldn't have the same qualifications,
& your studies in your country like your
language barrier wouldn't help you to get
a decent job ? I wouldn't want you to have
a dirty job for reasons of financial obsessions.
If we got along together, i wouldn't ever
want it for my woman .. . I wanted to find
my future bride abroad because women of
western europe are too materialist, superficial,
infantile idealists and conformist in general.
But i also love the way some foreign languages
sound, even when i don't understand a word,
i'm interested in the differences of my future
partner. I would be pleased to kiss your neck,
hands and other parts during our intimate
moments of life while listening to you telling
me words in your native language. I'd find that
cute, because my awn languages bore me ))
And it's like a rebirth if i had a woman
speaking another language than the old usual
ones i ever known and spoken. It's like a child
discovering life, a new world, a new speech,
a new vocabulary. I would also like to kiss,
love & caress your feet, all life long .. .
In fact i don't consider myself as a
fetishist. If other people consider that
as fetishism, then they take it like something
useless & derisory .. . That social garbage
who keeps trying to ostracize simple & vital
acts of life for modern literature or the medias,
restricts our physical devotion in the act of love.
"Simplistic hole fillers" .. . I love candid women's
feet, & you should know that if their perfume's
not exciting to you, the effect is totally different
on me. & that's naturally because your body's oils
liberate pheromones which excites me with subtlety,
& you can't get excited by your awn sexual
hormones .. . I find it beautiful to take care
of your woman's feet when you're deeply
involved in a relationship. Women should be
kissed and consumed from head to feet, &
sexuality should always be an art, reviewed
and rediscovered in permanence to entertain
our passion. Your feet are also very sensitive,
one of the most sensitive parts of your body,
nervously connected to your whole organs &
involving great feelings of relaxation, & attention
to them can indirectly prevent some diseases.
By kissing and adoring them and feel excited
by the erogenic part of your feet, i can transmit
with my aura, my most intimate affection and
deepest love to your spirit through those slight
kisses, caresses or intense & tender chomps .. .
Do you think you can send me a close-up
picture of your feet ? please try to send that
but keep in mind that it's accessory, as long as
i may eventually have them in our conjugal life,
my heart. Reply to this letter frankly if you feel
psychologically ready to live in couple and
conceive a family with a man abroad in your
actual life, Only. You have to feel ready for that
because i am not seeking basic schoolyard friendship
or aimless virtual boredom & inconsistent internet
flirting. I am tired of vanity in life and don't want
to spoil my lifetime uselessly anymore .. . Life
has no secrets for anyone, if you show antipathy
& negativity, you will always get the same
in return, and if you show affection and
human grace, you might be loved in return.
We can learn and we have all life to know
each other if you assume your intentions
with responsibility; by accepting my porposal.
& you won't ever be able to pretend to love
me because you have experienced life with
me and know the name of my parents or
jackets, cause love is a human desire,
a pure & natural instinct. People who are able
to love have their hearts fulfilled with love.
Love has different steps but if you have a
gracious soul, you will open it without any
deals of any nature. In that case, if you really
want to experience the vital joys of life like me,
more than ever, we should join ourselves
but you have to make your awn efforts,
& also, take your trip in charge & make
some economies. I wouldn't do it because
in life, you give & take. And i'll be the one
supporting you for the rest of my life, in the
name of our love. Also because anyone who
is not a relative or professional, can do what
he wants with the money of another stranger,
& discussing the subject is out of question.
Being a born woman, doesn't grant you any
merits, like being a born man, cause we've done
nothing for that. As i told you, your studies of
any kind won't ever be useful abroad unless
you've studied languages & have high
qualifications, but if you do or do not have
a job here, it's not a real problem, cause
you can be a homebody and wife at the
same time, and if i don't have the time
to do it because of my professional
occupations, you can do it cause in both
cases, we'd both be facing common difficulties
of our social life. But that doesn't imply an
obsessive involvement & strict hours, you'd
just be doing it to help your hubby in
a generous way, in the name of our love.
& trust me, i'd rather do homeworks than
be outdoors all day long freezing or facing
bad characters in some particular cases ))
A lot of women like to stay at home, & it's
a privilege when others realise that their frenetic
desire of freedom led them to a hard life,
waking up every mornings under the pounding
sun or rain. & jobs are substantial, but never
a pleasure, or a glory in life. You, me and our
eventual baby might be the glory of our existence
on earth. We all live in our intimate life & work
is a transitory moment of our life's joys, that are
more interesting and essential. Knowing that
the immigration services are always annoying,
the conception of a baby would officialize
our union in better terms, which will oblige
the authorities to grant you a right of residence
in a shorter period as usual. It will allow us
to face less administrative vain difficulties.
And there is nothing wrong with it as long as
we both want it in our hearts. We could go
back to your country once every two years
to see your relatives during holidays which
is natural. If you're really ready to live your life
with me, i should advise you to take a stagecoach
in direction to Paris, in the case you live in the same
continent, cause planes are expensive. Reply me,
if you accept my proposal, in your actual life, only .. .
Telling me when approximatively, you would be
disposed to join me abroad, & we could exchange
some regular chat sessions before your departure
to become more familiar & intimate. My letter isn't
an invite to share aimless virtual boredom with vanity.
My letter isn't literature. My letter isn't a virtual
intimate journal, either. But a serious proposal for
a serious union & if an indirect reply or aimless
comment is sent to me, it might be left unanswered.
Replies started with infantile negativism &
inconsistent clownish mockery will be zapped
& automatically filtered as well (this is a warning
for immature & aimless time killers) .. . I send you
warm kisses to your lovely hands, chest, navel,
lil nose, ears, forehead, & to your candid
& lovely soles,


Mr Diatribe,

With a deep & sincere affection.

Ps: Reply back if interested in my proposal
of commitment abroad with me in Paris
in your actual life, only.

Dear Mr Diatribe. Thanks for your email. I'm terribly sorry, you lost me at 'bodies are subjected to decomposition' and I woke up around 'Replies started with infantile negativism and inconsistent clownish mockery'. I sense there's some sort of irony there. But whatever happened in the interim, I'm afraid I don't have a clue what you were on about. I am vaguely aware that there's something in there about foot fetishism, but I may have just sleep-read that, or I'm trying to ignore it. I am also trying to ignore the detail you've gone to to try and get me to join you in your home country, and how having a baby together would put the kibosh on the 'annoying' immigration authorities. Either way, I'm so utterly fatigued by your entire spiel that I'm going to have to have a lie down now. Sorry. Good luck, I'm sure your email of epic and frightening proportions will some day bag you a women with her own feet who harbours a strong desire to leave her own country to shack up and drop sprogs with a virtual stranger. But not me. Not today. Not ever. Yours, exhaustedly

From Mr New Town

Im loanly in new town, pls help

Dear Mr New Town. Thanks for your email. Here's a suggestion - move. Yours, locally

From Mr Persistent 4

hellow babes what happign i

Dear Mr Persistent. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once, although technically, this is the fourth time I'm having to tell you this, and you're lucky I've not hunted you down and bludgeoned you to death with your own computer:


Yours, for the very last time.

From Mr Persistent 3

I love u

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email, your third one in an hour in fact. I am still not going to call you, and telling me that you love me will only make me more adament that I am not going to call you. Ever. Stop emailing me and go away. Yours irritatedly

From Mr Persistent 2

Call me on 07814 *** ***

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email. Again. As I said before, even when I didn't have your number, I wouldn't call. Now, I actually have your number, I will still not be using it. Don't watch your phone now. Yours, mutely

From Mr Persistent

if u wnat give me call now wait u

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email. Don't bother waiting for me to call, I wouldn't even if I did have your telephone number, because your profile is frightening, if nothing else. Yours, silently

From Monsieur le France

comment tu vas? ton profil m'intéresse, est ce qu'on peut se connaître si possible? j'espère que je te dérange pas!

Cher Monsieur le France. Merci pour votre e-mail. Vous m'avez dérangé, et être parfaitement honnête avec vous je suis totalement outragé par ceci. Vous n'avez pas ennuyé clairement pour trouver n'importe quoi personnel de mon profil pour pour me demander, donc je soupçonne vous êtes quelqu'un qui utilise juste la fonction de coupure et pâte sur votre ordinateur. Vous n'avez pas ennuyé même pour monter une photographie de vous, donc quant à je vous pourriez avoir l'air de la fin arrière d'un cheval. Combiné avec le fait que vous habitez en France, qui est à peine pratique pour une affaire d'amour naissante quand j'habite en Londres, et vous avez un non-partant complet dans les termes de relation. Désolé.

Le vôtre, anglaisment.

PS. Désolé, je ne parle pas en fait du français, mais je suis génie avec les traducteurs en ligne.

From Mr TV

Hi! :) U look amazing i would love to get to know u better! :) I'm a transvestite but hopely that don't bother u? I'm living right now in Finland but thinking to move in UK, when i get a change for that :) Hopely i hear something back from u :)

Dear Mr TV. Thanks for your email. And, of course, for your honesty regarding your private life. I don't have anything against transvestites, per se, I think they're cracking - you can share make up tips, swap wardrobes, and still there's a little manly bit left over for when the cosmetic and clothing larks stop, and that special time starts. However, sadly I don't think I could ever go out with you, the main reason being your profile pictures show you as your female alter ego and...well... you're HOT! There's no way on God's earth am I going out with someone who wasn't born a woman, but makes a much better looking one than I do. Sorry. Yours, gynaecologically

21 October 2010

From Mr X-Rated

hey gawjus any plans this weekend? I love to be n8ty with U. I wld like to take you for a nice meal, and we can catch our fav movie and make passionate love like u neva had it before. In bed i like to take it eazy with long forelplay, with body to body massage, playin with fruit, lickin ur body from ur neck to ur pussy. then fckin u hard in different postions and places, on da bed, floor, couch, shower, etc etc. Blind fold u, teeze you with ice, tie ur hands against the bed, do 69, then fck u hard in doggy style while spankin that juicy ass, pullin on ur gawjus hair, while u scream in exatasy! I must add i enjoy sex and are very adventuress in bed and like to fck for over 2 or 3 hours and rite now i'm feelin horny i wish u were here with me so that we cld really get it on.. my dicks so excited rite now its drippin in pre cum, i wish u were with me to lick it and suck it hard bby!! Feel free to text me on 07956 *** ***, we can get it on bby ;)

Dad??? Bloody hell, your spelling is terrible...

From Mr Temptation

If I offer you a hot alternative to watching tv, what’ll be your choice?

Dear Mr Temptation. Thank for your email. Ooh, a hot alternative to television you say? Now there's an offer a girl can't refuse! I'd love a mug of Horlicks thanks. Be a darl and put the kettle on and grab my slippers for me, there's a good boy. Yours, toastily

20 October 2010

From Mr Ex

Following a meticulously succinct impression of your profile, I felt it appropriate to tell you I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the magnificent fantasy memories... you will forever have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

Mr Ex

ps. You can keep the mansion in Mauritius but, I am going to need half our money according to our prenup

Dear Mr Ex. Thanks for your email, it was nice to hear from you rather than your lawyer. However, I think you'll find, if you read the small print in our marital contract, that your many recorded 'minor acts of indiscretion', for example your videotaped dalliances with four underage boys at a bukkake party when you were on 'that' business trip in Tokyo and a photograph featuring yourself and a Shetland pony 'in flagrante', render our nuptials null and void. Ergo, I'll keep the keys to the mansion thank you very much, as well as the keys to your small fleet of Italian motors, your penthouse in NYC and your mistresses flat in Marylebone (yes, I know about her too, the poor daft bint). I also look forward to receiving half of your future salary, to which I am now fully entitled, from now until the day you shamefully shuffle off this mortal coil. Which I hope is in fifty years time, so I can rinse your rancid keyster for all it's worth, you silly silly boy. So to summise, in the words of the most famous -blonde-twin-brother-duo-plus-token-bassist-mate of the eighties, I owe you nothing. Nothing at all. Yours smugly

From Mr Curt

hi Doing

Dear Mr Curt. Thanks for your email. My name is not Doing, you moron. It's Per-twang. Prick. Yours, offendedly.

From Mr Insane

hi, i want to be my friend

Dear Mr Insane. Thanks for your email. You want to be your own friend eh? I certainly wouldn't, you look like a nutjob. Good luck with that. Yours, sanely

From Mr Fin

will you want to marry me?

Dear Mr Fin. Thanks for your email. And your proposal of marriage. I'm afraid I shall have to gracefully decline, for a couple of reasons:

1. You live in Finland. That's bloody miles away.

2. Your username is Breakwind. Either you think that name would appeal to your dream date, which is most definitely an overriding concern, or it's your real surname. And in that case, I pity the future Mrs Breakwind, whoever she may be. But she won't be me.

Anyway, I'd best blow off now. I mean, BE off. Yours, un-gustily

From Mr Defeatist

Well i don't know what to say that will get you intrested as i don't know what your intrests are, so i'm stuffed aren't i!

Dear Mr Defeatist. Thanks for your email. I would have hoped someone with a modicum of grey matter who wanted to spark up some sort of flirty banter with me but not sure how to get my attention might cast a speculatively wide net out there to elicit some sort of response. For example:

Hey, saw your profile, what sort of music do you like?
Are you reading anything good at the moment?
Are you up to anything nice this weekend?
What are your critical thoughts on the cinematic works of Aronofsky, Cronenberg and the Cohen Brothers?

Hardly rocket science is it? But not for you. Guess you weren't that interested then.
Oh well. And yes, that is interested with three Es. Just a thought. Yours, disinterestedly.

From Mr Misdirection


I hope you are well?

Please forgive me for being forward but my name is David and I live in the county of Derbyshire (UK). I am single never married and no children. I am honest and true and believe in old fashion values but like to have fun and be adventurous, willing to try new things when given the chance. I like to travel and have had the opportunity to travel to some wonderful place around the world. I have been told that I am a very good listener and I am more than capable of keeping a secret and being discreet. I would very much value the chance to get to know because you look and sound such a beautiful and charming lady. Please forgive me but I tend to be a little on the reserved side until I get to know someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this message

Best wishes

Mr Misdirection


Dear Mr Misdirection. Thanks for your email. You have me perplexed, I'm not entirely sure what you're after from your email. It would appear from your formal preamble that you're addressing me much like you would the recipient of a cover letter for a job application. But then with your line about being discreet and capable of keeping a secret, you're almost implying I have some deep dark something that you'd more than happily withhold as some kind of leverage or emotional blackmail for me. Both of these aspects trouble me greatly, as I neither want to employ you, nor do I want you to use the fact I am a cross-dressing, dole-spanking, wrist-slitting, man-beating crack whore against me. Thank you. Yours, befuddledly

From Mr List

Hiya huni Describe urself in 10 words mine are :

Dear Mr List. Thanks for your email. Here are the 10 words that describe me:

'Highly intolerant of the word 'huni' and doesn't date tramps.'


Yours un-bum-like.

19 October 2010

From Mr Personal

hi sweaty u ok ?

Dear Mr Personal. Thanks for your email. Actually, I'm not okay. I am, as you so politely say, very sweaty, but that's because I had to rush home after a hellish day at work giving presentations, had to squeeze onto a packed tube amongst a barrage of other unpleasant armpits, only to get home and find out that I'd left the heating on full whack. Combine that with a 100% polyester outfit and I am in a small amount of perspirational strife to say the very least. But that, to be brutally honest, is none of your business thank you. So if you please, I'll be off to douche myself to within an inch of my sweaty life. Yours glowingly

From Mr Niche

MARRY ME! And i Promise to come to the wedding dressed as a Bird and Painted YELLOW!

Dear Mr Niche. Thanks for your email. Hang on, are you trying to tell me if we get married, you'd come dressed up as Big Bird from Sesame Street? Niche by name, niche by nature, for sure, but I think we'd make the perfect couple. So I'm saying yes, I will most definitely marry you, as long as I can be Oscar the Grouch with my very own trash can? Eagerly awaiting your reply. Yours, sesame-seedily

From Mr Tootsie

You are so gggorgeous!! Loved you. But why would you like to date me??
I must warn you though, I have a foot fetish

Dear Mr Tootsie. Thanks for your email. I think you've answered your own question, why would I want to date you, you have a foot fetish! And unless you have a particular penchant for Hobbits, I don't think I'd be up your street. So you can leave my little piggies well alone sunshine, there's nothing here for you. Yours pedestrianly

17 October 2010

From Mr Patronising

Omg...your so cute, i just wanna put you in my pocket, take you home and ask my room mates if i can keep you

Dear Mr Patronising. Thanks for your email. What do you think I am, a bloody Borrower? Well you're right, I am. And a fully house-trained one at that. So have a word with your room mates, and get back to me, yeah. Yours, diminutively.

From Mr Good Sport 3

Hi there

I really liked your profile and I thought I would get in contact with you as i would like to get to know you. Well a bit about me. I work as a consultant in central london. I love going to gigs etc , mainly for independent bands. I also like Outdoor sports , cycling , scuba diving, kayaking, hiking etc
which i try to do as often as i can.Im also a qualified Aromatherapy Masseur.Well if you like the sound of me please get in touch.

Dear Mr Good Sport. I can't be bothered to thank you for your emails anymore, since this is your third. You've not really done anything revolutionary since the last two messages have you? Let me refresh your memory...


I wasn't interested the first time, even less on the second, and now, after your third i-fucking-dentical message, I'm close to hanging myself. Stop it, stop it now. Yours, suicidally

From Mr Questioning

ten questions.

Q1 Fav film?

Q2 Fav Food?

Q3 Fav Drink?

Q4 Fav holiday?

Q5 Fav Song?

Q6 Best part of you body is and why?

Q7 Knickers or thong girl? lol

Q8 Have you forfilled your fantasy? If so when and if not why not.

Q9 fav position?

Q10 will she reply?

Dear Mr Questioning. Thanks for your email. Here are my answers:

1. Piss off.
2. Piss off.
3. Piss off.
4. Piss off.
5. Piss off.
6. Piss off.
7. Piss off.
8. Piss off.
9. Piss off.
10. Piss off.

Clearly you were using your 'inventive' quiz to lure me into divulging personal information so you can get your seedy little kicks from knowing that I love my fabulous breasts, always wear French knickers, fantasise about being whisked away and seen to by a young, handsome cowboy and that I love to be on top. Nice try.


Yours, revealingly.

From Mr Opiate

Hi there, you fine! I'm a nice guy & looking for a right person for some fun with lots of love & honesty as well joy with Papaver somniferum poppy pods. I wish to hear u soon.

Dear Mr Opiate. Thanks for your email. To be honest, I'm currently going through a lengthy rehab process to kick my raging papaver somniferum poppy habit, and I would worry that if we were to meet, I'd descend back down that all-too-destructive opiate-induced slope. I can't go there again, I just can't, even though you're really rather hot and I fancy you like fury. I'm sorry. Yours, soberly

PS. But if I was to be accidentally spiked, that wouldn't count, right? Email me.

15 October 2010

From Mr Sadomasochist


I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

Dear Mr Sadomasochist. Thanks for your email. Well, what can I say, it seems you've got me down to a tee. Shall we hook up, say tomorrow night? Yours violently, loathingly and obsessively

From Mr Unintelligible

U lopk cupe im ut pigtures ;p

Dear Mr Unintelligible. Thanks for your email. Er...what? I think I know what you are trying to say, and I have to admit I'm mildly impressed that you've notched up a 100% failure rate with your spelling. I think that's a new record. Well done you. Well done, but still no. And I'm not even sorry. Yours, slightly more intelligibly

From Mr Chat Up Line 2

Great pics darlin!;) How are you? Would love to get to know you a bit, what do you think? Any interest?;) If so I'll give you a chance to bite on my corny chat up line... What did the elephant say to the polar bear on a trip to the north pole?

Dear Mr Chat Up Line 2. Thanks for your email. Ooh, I know this one, I believe the conversation went as follows:
Elephant: 'Excuse me, I appear to be lost, could you tell me where I am?'
Polar Bear: 'You're in the North Pole mate.'
Elephant: 'Oh right, that would explain all the snow wouldn't it. Ah, bum. That's quite a long way away from where I wanted to be really.'
Polar Bear: 'Where did you want to go mate? I've got Googlemaps on my phone.
Elephant: 'Well I was hoping to go to India. I escaped from London Zoo a couple of weeks ago but I appear to have taken a wrong turn somewhere.'
Polar Bear: 'Yeah, looks like it doesn't it. Well, according to this, if you turn right over there, and keep walking for about 72 days, you should make it to India.'
Elephant: 'Ah great, thanks very much for your help.'
Polar Bear: 'No problem mate, no problem at all. Listen, before you head off, I don't suppose you could do me a favour could you?'
Elephant: 'Sure, no problem, it's the least I can do to repay your kindness, I'd have been really stuck if you hadn't helped me! What can I do?'
Polar Bear: 'Well as you know there aren't many of us polar bears around these days, what with all the melting ice caps and that, and I've been on me own for months now...'
Elephant: 'Go on...'
Polar Bear: 'Anyway us polar bears arms aren't quite long enough to reach downstairs for gratification if you know what I mean, and I'd heard elephants trunks were renowned for their trunk jobs and...well...I was just wondering if you might oblige a lonely bear.'

The Elephant paused for thought.
Elephant: 'Oh alright then. Just don't expect a reach around...'
Am I right? Not the catchiest punch line in the world, I have to say. Maybe you want to go for a short one liner next time.
Yours, humorously

From Mr Never-Been-Kissed

hi, hope your well (lovely pic/profile). this may sound like a joke, but i am entirely serious. would you teach me how to kiss? if your interested then get back to me and i'll explain more. im not interested to meet for sex (not for now anyway), just to learn kissing only. (i have never been in a relationship before hence my request).

Dear Mr Never-Been-Kissed. Thanks for your email. Of course I'll teach you how to kiss, I learned back in my days at an all girls boarding school. The trick is to hold the other person's face tenderly with both hands (in my case back then it was Lynsey from the year above), move in very slowly until you're just touching lips (she used to smell like strawberry lip balm from the Body Shop, mmm yummy!), and then slowly slip your...hang on a minute...I know your game. Dirty boy. Well done you.

Yours, lip servicely

From Mr Filth

Can I cum for you on cam beautiful? 7" and thick.

Dear Mr Filth. Thanks for your email. 7" and thick eh? Sorry, I don't date stupid gnomes. Yours, ignoring-the-first-sentencely

From Mr Wedding Stalker

Hi Clare,

You probably don't remember me and to be honest I feel a little stalkerish contacting you like this but hey, even Romeo started out a bit like a stalker, hanging around outside a chicks window hoping for a wee glimpse of his hearts desire.

Anyway, my names Mr Wedding Stalker and we met about 2 years ago at B and S's wedding (is that the right etiquette? Should it not be S and B's wedding? After all it's the brides special day). Anyway, I was there with my friend C, we had an ace time. You taught me the 'Do a poo' chant and I showed you a text I sent earlier in the day to a friend saying it was my wedding I was going to and I was going to marry someone called Clare. Well, I've decided it's time I kept that promise.. You pick the date and place. lol

Would be great to see you again, especially if we're gonna get married and all.


Blast from the past. AKA Mr WS


Dear Mr Wedding Stalker. Thanks for your email. The short answer is no, I won't marry you. But since you've gone to such totally and utterly ridiculous lengths to find my very private profile buried in the back rooms of Facebook after 2 years, I'll extend you the common courtesy of a full blown reply.

Of course I remember you from Ben and Sally's wedding, you had an equal impact on me too. You were the one who mistook my playfully amusing chant for a direct order and promptly curled one out during the best man's speech. And as I recall your good friend C rapidly became your worst enemy, something to do with a small bag of crack, and as the special couple were taking to the floor to perform their first dance, you two decided to stage a rather spectacular ruck which resulted in the destruction of a chair, the letting off of a fire extinguisher and the incitement of further violence amongst the bridesmaids. How could I possibly forget how you bundled me into the dumb waiter, locked the door and laughed callously as I screamed and cried my claustrophobia away. I can still remember you waving your willy at me antagonistically through the small window before the serving staff rescued me from the trauma. If it wasn't for finding your missing back of crack after you'd been ejected from the wedding, I would have probably sat rocking in the corner for the remainder of the night.

And as for the wedding proposal, well, I do believe your text message read 'I'm sat next to this broad called Clare. She's not much on the eyes mind, but she's fucked enough I reckon I can fool her into agreeing to marry me. I know I'm washed up, passed it, and down and out, so this is my only hope. I have the roofies on standby. Just in case.' I may have been drunk dear boy, but I could still read. May I suggest in future you sort your first approach tactic and follow up routine out. Violence, faeces and Rohypnol on day 1 and a casual yet ultimately stalkerly email 2 years later is hardly textbook. And on that note, adieu. Which is French for 'fuck off, fuckface.'

Never yours, Claire

PS. My name has an i in it. I think all along, you may have been mistaken

13 October 2010

From Mr Sinister

Knock, knock.....

Dear Mr Sinister. Thanks for your email. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE???? GOOOO AWAAAAAYYYY!!!!!! Yours, nervously

From Mr Lick

genuine offer .................. hi sexi, im mr lick from east london. Doese the idea of a pussy lick n go service take your fancy??????. Very serious. Have a sizzling hot toungue with infinite experience having given pleasure to many women. This will be about your pleasure ONLY, can accommodate, travel or even collect if its a beauti such as you. We dont even have to speak, just a lick n go! ..............

Dear Mr Lick. Thanks for your email. As taken as I am by your spectacularly generous offer of a cunnilingus delivery service, I shall have to gracefully decline, on no other grounds than it's against my religion to let someone touch me with their 'toungue'. Whatever a 'toungue' is...

But well done for your entrepreneurial skills, may I suggest you try contacting the Dragons Den? I hear that Deborah Meaden is in the market for bespoke sexual services, and your Squeals On Wheels business would go down a treat. Literally. 

Yours, linguistically

From Mr Soul-Searcher

Hi, I'm Mr Soul-Searcher, considering a critical look of life`s ups and downs that sometimes beclouded ones reasoning with the desirable quest of finding a lasting answer to the ageless urge of every indivudual to find a resting place for body,soul and spirit here on earth. Though lots of world`s greatest school and books on facts of life categorically emphasized that one could not really find 100% rest for soul on earth but unknown to them that just a word could realise that (LOVE) and which has been the fundamental tool in making one successful and joyous in life.
This will keep every being rovering round and round searching for a sincere love and soulmate that would complemement one`s life and make one to fully experience the desired rest on earth. I surely believe that everybody has to come in contact with his or her own soulmate somehow, somewhere and at a particular time in one`s life but the definite time and actual place remains a misery to one`s reasoning and thinking.I am fortunate to have found myself in your world because God has made in such a way that there must be a purpose for ever occurence in life. I regard it as a step which someone has to take to really demystify what everybody regarded as mystery. What buffles me most is I decided noting and hopefully anticipating your warm welcome so as to free up a soul and a conscience I will definitely and happily tell you all who and what I am on due request from and I would also endeavour to send a pic on request too. Please pardon me to have desired for a solace in your world.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Soul-Searcher

Dear Mr Soul-Searcher. Thanks for your email. Are you looking for a soul mate, salvation, or the answer to life, the universe and everything? I think you may be looking in the wrong place, I'm just here to find a casual fuck. Sorry. Good luck though. Or something. Yours, soullessly

From Mr Inept

stumbling on your profile aint no mistake and i guess i came on here at the right time.really don't know what to say ,,you are beautiful and exquisite sorry if i sound rude but i just ve 2 appreciate the fact that u are pretty.hi,,my name is Mr inept,how u doing and nice stumbling on ur profile

Dear Mr Inept. You might want to watch your literary step, you've stumbled across my profile twice in one paragraph. Clumsy. Please be careful not to trample my metaphors. Yours, felicitously

From Mr Common Ground

im single like you, so what due say

Dear Mr Common Ground. Thanks for your email. You're single too? Wow, what are the odds? Seriously? This is astonishing! Could this be fate? Can you imagine the stories at our wedding? I can picture it now: 

'How did you meet?' 
'Well, this is quite an amazing story let me tell you. I was on a dating site, and she was on a dating site, and I emailed her, and it turned, out we were both single and...'


Let's leave it there, yeah? Yeah.

Yours, obviously.

From Miss Statistic

TRUE FACT.In the online dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.” According to Ann Rule, about 3% of men are psychopaths, of which only a tiny percentage are serial killers Guess we had better stick to girls then! Xx

Dear Miss Statistic. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I don't have boobies and front bottoms on my list of desired personal qualities in a partner, and as flattered as I am by your offer, I'll take my chances with the psychopathic 3% of the male race. Because, lets face it, the odds are 33.3 times better than the 100% hit rate of vaginae on women. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, phallophiliacally

From Mr Maybelline

You are really nice and attractive woman. I like your face. X

Dear Mr Maybelline. Thanks for your email. I can't say I feel the same about your face I'm afraid. You see, I'm not sure I could date a man whose eyebrows were more immaculately coiffured than my own. I'm fairly certain I don't see Pat Butcher eyeshadow as a desired quality in a potential suitor and I'm positive I couldn't go out with a man who wears blusher like Raggedy-bloody-Ann. Even your cleavage is better than mine. In short, if I wanted to date someone who wore as much slap as you, I'd be a lesbian. With better taste at that. But I'm not. I'm also not entirely convinced I'm up your proverbial street either, but I suspect it's just your way of getting your mits on my Max Factor. Cheeky. And still no. Yours, cosmetically

11 October 2010

From Mr Dodgy Claim

I was blinded by your good looks so i'm going to need your details for insurance reasons.

Dear Mr Dodgy Claim. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry but I can't help you with your insurance case. You see, I'm only covered for third party, fire and theft, so unless someone has physically stolen your eyeballs or they have been subjected to some sort of arson attack, you're not eligible to make a claim. Do let me know if they have though. Not because I will give you my details, but because it'll make me chuckle. Yours, assuredly

10 October 2010

From Mr Speculative

Caught much so far?

Dear Mr Speculative. Thanks for your email. Have I caught much so far? Hmm...a few things, namely herpes, a couple of crabs and the odd dose of the clap. Drink sometime? Yours, riddled.

01 October 2010

From Mr Numerically Challenged 2

5 words: you dont look 30! X

Dear Mr Numerically Challenged. Thanks for your email. But I think you'll find, it's 4 words, not 5. Unless you count the first bit, in which case it's 6 words. Either way, you can't bloody count. Yours disappointedly, Carol Vorderman

From Mr Unsubtle

Hi. Like the hat very cute

Dear Mr Unsubtle. Thanks for your email. That's not a hat, that's my hair. Yours, insultedly.

30 September 2010

From Mr Flatterer

hello you, well im confused, as cant work out how a beautiful women like you is single..i mean your stunning..!

Dear Mr Flatterer. Thanks for your email. The answer is simple, I am psychotic. Meet me and you will find out. Where do you live? I'll bring the ball-gag, nunchucks and tamed squirrels. See you soon. Yours, unhingedly

From Mr Ghetto

hey there how are you...you look beautiful by the way and oh yeah just so you know i am not a thug lool so don't be afraid to talk...x

Dear Mr Ghetto. Thanks for your email. Of course I don't think that. I mean, why would an 18 year old hood-sporting, street-speaking, bling-bearing, N-Dubz-worshipping, wannabe-Fiddy come across as a thug? Oh, I see. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, unthuggishly.

PS. Please don't cut me blud. Innit.

From Mr Over-enthustiastic

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey... ur SOOOO cooooooool!!!!!!

Dear Mr Over-enthusiastic. Thanks for your email.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey...you're SOOOOOOOO weird!

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!

Yours, under-whelmingly

From Mr Text Speak

hi bbe hw r u? U seem v intresting cn we b m8s?

Dear Mr Text Speak. Thanks for your email. Well, I say email, but in truth it's more like one of those ridiculous texts that will be the final nail in the frighteningly sad coffin of our beautiful English language. I'm pretty sure the moment you typed that message, the likes of Shakespeare and Proust turned in their graves, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary handed in their notices in distress and Stephen Fry shed a subconscious tear in mourning for our mother tongue. I hope you're proud of yourself, you word-murderer. But to be honest, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, because I've used full words. What a crying shame. Yours, literately

From Mr Ex Con

I used to b an armed robber! and ex security 4 davina mcall ,till i did a job got caught and spent 5yr in jail.Since then ive reformed myself into a poet an artist (ex piss artist) lol im currently dwelling in DAgenham looking for my place in life , there you go hows that? ps for some reason im too honest for my own good and prob got you running for ur phone ,with finger thrice on 9 button?well im here if you fancy a chat promise too tell all x

Dear Mr Ex Con. Thanks for your email. And your honesty. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with the whole armed robbery thing and all, in fact I love a man with an air of danger about him, I just couldn't date anyone who lived in Dagenham. Ever. If it wasn't for that, you'd totally have been in there. What a shame. Sorry. Yours, un-Essexically

From Master Baker

Hi Darkangellis, hows your day being so far? I dont know if you are in to cooking,but what you think about this recipe for a cake? 500gs of sugar kisses,500gs of hugs,750gs of cuddles,1kg of attention,1kg of laughs and 2kgs of spices mix all up down goes to the oven and let cook for all day.what you think may 200gs of romance it would make even better may be covered in chocolate? I would like to chat with you about the recipe if is ok? lol take care

Dear Master Baker. Thanks for your recipe. With quantities like those, you'll not only feed the 5000, but you'd probably kill them all too. I have to say that is by far the most over-baked, super-sweet, vomit-inducing recipe I have ever read in my life. I reckon one spoonful of that nauseating mixture and I'll have two fingers down my own throat faster than you can say 'pass the insulin'. If you are cooking the food of love, then I'm on a diet. Yours, most abstinent

29 September 2010

From Mr Misogynist

If Carlsberg made women...

Dear Mr Misogynist. Thanks for your email. Oh good, a beer analogy, you've clearly got my number. Well to repay the sentiment in advertising terms, it seems you have the Ronseal of dating pseudonyms - it does exactly what it says on the tin. Yours, feministically

From Mr Inquisitive

Hi sweetheart. Can I ask you a question?

Dear Mr Inquisitive. Thanks for your email. 


Yours, answerably.

From Mr Speculation

if you keep your ipod and I remove all your clothes
how would you feel then ?

Dear Mr Speculation. Thanks for your email. If you removed all of my clothes and let me keep my iPod, I would no doubt feel rather cold, very self-conscious, and most concerned I would get severely reprimanded at work for pitching up stark bollock naked. Remind me never to meet up with you, you weird, twisted, Apple-loving, garment thief! Yours, happily-clad

From Mr Loud




Dear Mr Loud. Thanks for your email. Shhh! Keep it down, my appreciation of modesty is trying to sleep. I get the point, there's no need to shout. Bragging at volume is not an attractive trait in a man, so do yourself a favour and go easy on the caps lock. Yours, silently

From Mr Guardian Angel

why were you crying the other night?

Dear Mr Guardian Angel. Thanks for your email. Er, what? Seriously, what? Let's gloss over the fact that this is a dating site and we are two complete strangers. Not only are we total strangers, but you have bugger all knowledge of what may or may not go on in my life. But since you're curious, here are the possible reasons why I may have shed a tear or two recently:

- I got my phone bill through.
- I had my weekly epillation session. 
- I had a stonking head cold.
- I was literally bored to tears.
- I managed to sew myself into my cross stitch.
- Bambi's mother died. That still disturbs me when I think about it.

Or, and more realistically, I've not cried at all. Or more to the point, it's absolutely none of your business. That freakish 'I'm such a perceptive man, why don't you spill your spiritual beans to me and I'll be so sympathetic you'll let me bonk you by bedtime' act does not wash with me. So there. Yours, dry-eyedly.

PS. Do you have any Kleenex? I appear to have run out...

From Mr Chat Up Line

im not that good at chating girls up but I will give it a go

your lips look so lonely would they like to meet mine

it would be good if i hear back from you

Dear Mr Chat Up Line. Thanks for your email. You're right, you're not very good at chatting girls up. In answer to your question, no, my lips would not like to meet yours. How could my lips ever be lonely, there are two of them? They keep each other company all the time. Sorry. Yours, lippily

From Mr Cocky

Hi, I thought I’d cheer you up by talking to you.

Dear Mr Cocky. Thanks for your email. Although it wasn't your email that cheered me up, it was your photo. Who'd have thought you could have eyes where your ears should be? Priceless. Yours, cheerily.

28 September 2010

From Mr Royalist

Hi Queen,hw are u doing...you got some hot pix!

Dear Mr Royalist. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I believe you've got the wrong profile, HRH is on the next page. You're right though, she does have some seriously smoking photos. Grr. Yours, regally

From Mr Gentleman

i would you want to get to know a guy in london that thinks you are gorgeous? my names mr gentleman im 32 from croydon and would love to get to know you. im not into one night stands or casual sex. personally id prefer to know someone before jumping into bed with them.

Dear Mr Gentleman. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I just don't think we're compatible. You see, I don't want flowers, hand-holding, romance - I'm just after a fast, no-strings fuck, none of this chivalry shit.  What a shame. Good luck. Yours, promiscuously

From Mr Facetious

What a brilliant profile! It's a shame that I can't date a nutter

Dear Mr Facetious. What a brilliant email. It's a shame I can't date a short, fat, balding, train-spotting, beige-wearing, Abba-loving IT worker. Yours, disappointedly

From Mr Cheeky

no way are you 30? you aint bad for a oldy lol x

Dear Mr Cheeky. Thanks for your email. Yes, it's amazing what a lick of paint and a bucket of formaldehyde can do. Yours, youthfully.

From Mr Hot Pics

hey sexypants! love the cheeky smile! hows it goin? sorry i have no pic yet, i've uploaded one but it still has to be approved. i can mail some though or through msn or something (promise i'm hot! lol) xx

Dear Mr Hot Pics. Thanks for your email. How on earth do you know my real name? I thought this site was anonymous? Yours, concernedly

From Mr Hallucinogen 2

did you see the cat in the paper that had been dyed pink but just had its face left white?

Dear Mr Hallucinogen. Thanks for your email. No I did not see a cat with a pink body and a white face, you crazy crazy man. Step away from the crack, leave the poor cats alone and go and have yourself a cold shower. Yours, perturbedly

From Mr Flattery

Hey, you got a contagious smile ... I'm already feeling the effect!

Dear Mr Flattery. Thanks for your email. That'll be the herpes then...Enjoy! Yours, communicably

From Mr Pessimist

i had a feeling you wouldnt contact me :-(

From Mr Toilet Humour

Miss ,Ms,Mrs or oi oi gorgeous

I’m tired of saying how are you or just plane hi and getting no reply
So thought would just give this a try and see if it got me a reply

So here I am
If I were a bird up in the sky looking at you from way up high and
You looked up to see me fly I mite just poop right in your eye

Ok not so good

But if it put a smile on your face and you could beat me in a race
Just take a quick look at my face and if it don’t make you scream
Or run then this could be the one !!!!!!!!

There was an old lady from Ealing who had a terrible feeling she laid on her back opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling
Sorry lol
come say hi or some thing

Dear Mr Toilet Humour. Thanks for your email. How did you know my favourite ever poem? And you seem to like birds too, I think this must be fate! What can I say, it's a pleasure to meet you. And although I prefer to be called by my Christian name, I will of course answer to all of the above so please do call me what you like (although between you and I, I really love Oi Oi Gorgeous, but only when accompanied by a wolf whistle). Anyway, why delay, we should definitely meet up. But only as long as you promise not to shit on my face. Yours, hopefully

From Mr Preacher

Hi, I read your profile and it appealed to me. I feel so inspired and honored to know you - WOW!! I want you to know straight away that you write with a beautiful flare and sense of pure honesty and transparency that I find very attractive and drawn to. Yes, you are a awesome girl from the outside though I can tell straight away that you are beautiful on the inside with a lot of love to share.Like you my life hasn't been perfect and I've had my challenges though one thing I can share with you is what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Life is full of constant change and change is exciting! It's exciting because change means growth..growth from a spiritual sense, a mental and emotional sense and most of all caring for the world around. As you grow and learn God passes on his wisdom and knowledge and in his own profound way allows you to live and teach it. Doesn't matter how you teach it, be it with your family and friends or with the world around. I'm so blessed I get to teach what I learn on the world stage to thousands of people which is a huge buzz.....I am one that believes that we have so short time on this earth that we must make the best of it. I am one that looks into the future and that is where I am headed. I am looking for that special person to share my life with. I am a romantic at heart and love to spoil that special person in my life. I am of Greek background. I am looking for that person who likes the finer things in life, is honest and faithful in there commitment. I am a person who speaks there mind and tells it how it is, no need for lies as they eventually catch up with you. I am a person who knows what he wants and goes after that. I am well travelled and like travelling. If you want to find out more about me and give me that chance to sweep you off your feet. I am not one for games, nor chat I am loyal and committed to those that are in my life. When I give my word there is nothing that can break it. Family is the most important thing to me, and is above all. I like e-mail each other and i would like to know more about you more and more and if you would like to find out more and see where it may lead email me and we can take it from there. Awaiting your reply and leave me your cell phone # Regards, Mr Preacher

Dear Mr Preacher. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, are we on a dating site, or have I inadvertently signed myself up for spiritual guidance classes? As much as I appreciate the general sentiment, I'm looking for someone to do flippant things like feed the ducks with, someone go to the cinema with, or maybe share a milkshake with, not someone who'll turn every moment in life into an evangelical lesson with a great big moral stirred in for good measure. I'm no pedestrian of the great spiritual pathway. Oh no. I'm hitching a lift along the motorway of all things trivial, and I sincerely hope we get to stop at McDonalds on the way. Sorry. Yours, frivolously

From Mr Original

Do you have a parrot? You should carry it round on your shoulder like a pirate.

Dear Mr Original. Thanks for your email. What a foolish suggestion, I would never dream of carrying a pirate around on my shoulder. His cutlass would dig into my back. Yours, unoriginally

From Mr Unphilosopher

my first impression was your looking for a philospher as apose to someone you can actually talk to, well here's me i'm 26 from central london and i'd love to take YOU out for a drink and if i'm honest maybe breakfast. well in the ords of aristotle "A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape". x night x

Dear Mr Unphilosopher. Thanks for your email. And for that rather wonderful quote, which I believe comes from Mark Twain, not Aristotle (it's amazing what a quick Google search can do). I'll be honest with you, I am neither a fan of the round man, nor wish the shape of my hole to be speculated on by virtual strangers, so. Here's a quote that genuinely is from the late great Aristotle: 'Educated men are as much superior to uneducated men as the living are to the dead.' I have to admit I agree with him - I'm not one for the uneducated man, and I am not one for necrophilia, so on that note, I shall bid you farewell. Yours, philosophically.

26 September 2010

From Master Inexperienced

Hey =D, I'm going to be pretty straight forward with you in this message lol

Basically I have absolutetly zero experience with girls :-(

I'm looking for a woman, prefferably older who can show me the ropes. : )

Reply back if you would like to talk or know more

Oh and If i have offended you in ANY way from this message, im really sorry :/

Dear Master Inexperienced. Thanks for your email. I am not offended in the slightest. In fact, I am rather flattered that you have asked me to help kick start your education in the subjects of sexual studies, female biology and carnal knowledge. I would most definitely be willing to show you the ways of the world, but I do have some ground rules:

1. You do not make reference to our 12 year age gap.
2. You do not tell your friends I am your girlfriend.
3. You follow my instructions to the letter.
4. No tears before, during or afterwards, please.
5. You tidy your room first young man, from your profile pictures it's a complete pigsty.

Now that's all sorted, we can begin. Come to Mama. 

Yours, maturely.

From Mr Teacher

I liked your profile and you have a cute pic to, as it shows you have passion and expres'ion within you. So what did you're school reports say about you?

Dear Mr Teacher. Thanks for your email. My school reports all said 'her grammar and spelling need more work, and on the whole lacks enthusiasm and originality. Must try harder', which is rather appropriate considering they are my exact sentiments towards your email. Yours, educatedly.

20 September 2010

From Mr Kooky 2

Hello, I saw your profile today and it said we were a 90.5% match! I'm not sure how good that actually is but it definately sounds good! I bet you have had a few guys already email you saying things like "I liked your profile picture" or "how was your weekend?". I think this is a bit boring so I thought I'd jazz things up a little with a different icebreaker. To get to know each other a little bit better i think we should play the 4 facts game. All you have to do is reply back with 4 'facts' about yourself although one has to be a lie. So to get the ball rolling (I'll offer a magnum ice cream if you guess correctly) I will give you 4 'facts' about me and you have to guess which one is the lie. Bye for now.

Dear Mr Kooky. Thanks for your email, your second email. You've done well to change a few key words, I almost didn't recognise you. Almost. I notice since your first email (http://internet-berating.blogspot.com/2010/08/from-mr-kooky.html) you have upped the stakes from a humble Kit Kat (not my favourite chocolate bar of choice) to a Magnum ice cream. Well done. Although you clearly got so excited about the new budget for your novelty internet dating games you neglected to throw in the actual trivia. Let me guess, they would have been something about a novel dance, the Blue Peter garden, an Oscar nominee and a one-eyed man? As much as I appreciate the second pass, which I suspect is totally unintentional as we've both been on the site so long I'm sure everyone now deserves a second chance, but my answer still stands as a no, because you failed to hazard any sort of guess at my little incorrect factoid. Yours, truthfully.

PS. The incorrect answer was 3 - my false leg does not have a snap on attachment for roller skates. It does, however, have an hoover attachment for getting dust out of those pesky nooks and crannies. The other three are all true. Drink?

From Mr Miniature

Hi names mr minuature, this is difficult talking about yourself. here goes nothing i'm 30 live in south london. Work wise i'm a delivery person for a uni. I'm 5'0 to 5'2 in height. into most things music as lonfg as yop can here the words to the music. into sailing generally having fun. i'm not after a one night stand but long term if it works out great if not i've gained another friend.

Dear Mr Miniature. Thanks for your email. Although you sound like a really lovely boy, may I just question one small, and I mean small, part of your email? You claim to be somewhere between 5' and 5'2" - on what factors does this depend exactly? The wind? Atmospheric pressure? A pair of Cuban heels? In my experience height is one of the things boys tend to exaggerate most to internet dates. And given your maximum height is actually less than mine, and given how miniature I am, I would feel rather wrong walking alongside someone who has pretty much the same physical stature as a child. I'm sure there are many diminutive ladies out there who'd love to not get crick neck every time they go in for a cheeky snog, but I prefer not to have to bend down when I get mine. I wish you all the best in your quest for little love, and I sincerely hope you find something special that grows. Your legs perhaps. Or your shadow. Yours, heightenedly

15 September 2010

From Mr Grand Scheme

hi!how is your life going?

Hi Mr Grand Scheme. Thanks for your email. My life has been a bit of a roller coaster, I'll be honest. It all started out when I was a child. I was a slow-developing baby, slow to crawl, slower to walk, and when it came to speech I struggled to even string a couple of basic words together until I was at least 3. My parents never read to me as a youngster and as a result when I started at school I was behind in class whilst the other children excelled and found literary love in such classics such as Roger Red Hat and Stig of the Dump. To combat this feeling of innate illiteracy, I turned to food at an early age, gorging myself on sweets and crisps whilst my other young chums spent their pocket money on books and magazines. As a result I put on weight, and became so chubby that sports lessons at school became more and more traumatic. Then the bullying started and the reclusion began. I turned to death metal, started wearing black and then acknowledged that food was the source of all the evil in the world, and set my aspirational sights on anorexia. 5 stone and half a headful of hair down, I felt happier being a balding bonebag. But these were the twilight years of my looks, my oddly angular bony body and the addition of train track braces meant my chances of finding a boyfriend were severely thwarted. So the eating began again, the hair began to grow back, and for a fleeting period I was almost attractive. But then the rampant acne attacked, and I passed the memorable ages of 16, 17 and 18 without so much of a sniff of a kiss from the opposite sex. The important exams at school came and went with no real event, I neither excelled nor totally bombed, and the underwhelming response from my family at my bland sheets of qualifications encouraged me that at least I wasn't a total failure. University rolled around, I decided to take a Mickey Mouse degree in the hope of not just graduating, but maybe, just maybe finding myself someone drunk enough to exchange a modicum of saliva with. Finally, in the start of my second term of university, in a moment of bravado to prove to my peers I wasn't the total loser I appeared to be, I downed a bottle of wine. What ensued is still a mystery to me, but on awaking beside a drunken, snoring and smelly heap of a rugby player, I presumed the ceremony of virginity-loss had passed without too much trauma. Encouraged by this event, I proceeded to use my new found inebriated sex appeal to make a name for myself amongst the rest of the rugby team, before moving on to the football team, the hockey players and eventually the university darts squad and chess club. By the time I graduated, I was a seasoned snogger, and took my new found confidence out onto the job market. I managed to find myself a nice little job working in a supermarket, where I set my ambitious sights on the heady ascension from shelf-stacker to store manager. 8 years, 2 one night stands and 1 minor disciplinary later, I'm happily head of the fruit and vegetable section, and now plotting my assault on lower senior management. Sadly the last boyfriend I had mysteriously had to move to New Zealand at short notice, and since then I have been lacking that special someone in my life. I consider myself to be a much better person now: my literary issues have mostly been ironed out and I have since read all of the Roger Red Hat series. I've even managed most of the CS Lewis set, even though the Voyage of the Dawn Treader did have a few words I didn't understand. My hair has now totally grown back and I have got lots of support around me to stop my eating habits spiralling out of control again, although this does sometimes mean supervised trips to the supermarket and the odd padlock on the fridge when I'm having a bit of a tough time. I don't speak to my parents very much, but I'm presuming by the fact that they no longer call me to berate my very existence any more that they must be vaguely content with how I'm doing. Plus they must be very busy with my lawyer sister's forthcoming wedding and her baby twins so I understand. So here I am, doing well in my job in the face of adversity, and looking for that special someone to share my life with. Could that be you? I do hope so, I feel we've bonded so well. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours, optimistically

From Mr Good Sport 2

Hi there. I really liked your profile and I thought I would get in contact with you as i would like to get to know you. Well a bit about me.  I work as a consultant in central london. I love going to gigs etc , mainly for independent bands. I also like Outdoor sports , cycling , scuba diving, kayaking, hiking etc which i try to do as often as i can. Im also a qualified Aromatherapy Masseur. Well if you like the sound of me please get in touch.

Dear Mr Good Sport. Thanks for your email. Again. I'm pleased to see you are still a fan of the old cut and paste technique. Clearly my previous reply to exactly the same email has escaped your memory, so lest I waste my written breath any longer, I shall redirect you.


A friendly word in your ear: girls like it when you give them the vague impression you have seen something about their particular profile you like, not like you're spamming anything and everyone on the site to stand a better chance of getting laid. You'd do well to remember that. Yours, ever-unsportingly.

14 September 2010

From Mr Paranoid

hey, how u?

u ever kick a guy in the balls?

Dear Mr Paranoid. No, I am not in the habit of kicking boys in the balls, although that is not for want of men asking me to do so. I sense you are about to do the same, so I'll put you out of your misery at this precise juncture and say no. Nice try. Yours, ball-preservingly

From Mr Asphyxia

Hiya. How's it going? What exciting plans do you have for the rest of the week?

I have another question but this one's a little more random. Would you put your hand over my mouth? I know it's a bizarre question, but there is a reason behind me asking and it's nothing dodgy lol.x

Dear Mr Asphyxia. Thanks for your email. My week is going well thank you. Tomorrow I'm off to have my rectum pierced for the fourth time but I think I'm also going to swing by the bondage store as I've run out of industrial lube and I broke my ball gag last weekend in an incident involving a Madam, a judge and a Rottweiler. I also need to pay a visit to B and Q to see if I can pick up some heavy duty screws for the new manacle set I'm having erected in the basement, but I suspect it may be a specialist job. Other than that catching up on a spot of correspondence, doing some washing, you know, the usual. What about you? Yours fetishistically.

PS. Hang on...you want me to put my HAND over your MOUTH? You sick fuck! Get the hell outta my inbox you freak!

03 September 2010

From Mr Tribute

Wow, hello you!

I read your profile and was extremely envious of it! That's the kind of profile I'd like to write (and no, not because it's attracted another me).

It seems that there's a lot of 'you' in your description, which is *nice*. I feel like I know you already, and yet you've yet to delete this message! (preferably print it out and throw darts at it - or knitting needles).

I'm a simple human being in a complicated life... I know what I like, and I like what I know - actually I don't know 100% what I like, and I don't necessarily like what I know sometimes.

I do, however, like music I'm currently in a tribute band playing keyboards. The band is a tribute to Genesis, of whom I adore, and could possibly bore you senseless detailing their every historical musical movement (in Chronological order).

I like the fact that although I'm born and bred Essex, I can spell, and add up numbers (yes, past 10). I work from home as a freelance Web Developer.

If I've bored you, then it's best to get the printer and darts/knitting needles ready. If you've been remotely interested, or slightly tickled, then I'd love a reply.

If you want to know more, I'm only to willing to write more nonsense for your casual perusal!!


Dear Mr Tribute. Thanks for your email. What perplexes me is you have profile envy of someone of the opposite sex that you might in theory be attracted to. Is that not a bit odd? Here's a tip for your profile, perhaps writing a couple of words demonstrating you do actually have a personality and then put a couple of pictures of yourself in a pretty frock at someone's wedding up and you're there! Although don't call me nice, that's damning someone with the faintest of praise. I think I'd almost rather be insulted. Perhaps. But anyway, I feel like I'm ignoring the elephant in the room. You're 29 years old, and you're in a Genesis tribute band? Seriously. I feel like I don't want to ask any band-related questions for fear of what gargantuan pseudo-savantesque diatribe it may unleash. And don't get me wrong, we all like a little bit of Sussudio of an evening, perhaps the odd twinkle of In The Air Tonight and a casual slathering of Easy Lover. But Genesis should be only for recreational dabbling, not a lifestyle choice. I get the impression there'd be three of us in the relationship, and I'm not sure how I feel about getting that intimate with Phil Collins. Yours, genetically modified.

From Mr Strong Gentleman

strong gentl eman says hello

Dear Mr Strong Gentleman. Thanks for your email. Highly strung, marginally hungover, grammatically fascist, over opinionated and underwhelmed lady says thanks, but no thanks. Yours, regrettably

PS. For future reference, writing in the third person isn't always the best idea...


From Mr Helpful 2

can i be of any help


Dear Mr Helpful. Thanks for your email. Yes, you could help me actually. I'm looking for a black suede court shoe in a size 5. Now, I can only find sizes 4 and 6 here in suede, but I know the size 5 fits as I've tried it in on in blue. Do you have anything suitable out back? I'd like some suede protector too. Thanks. Yours, barefootedly.

PS. you're quite cute, are you single?

From Mr Inventive

Superb figure. Yep, tht's how imaginative I
am when it comes to saying hi. :P x

Dear Mr Inventive. Thanks for your email. Wow, you are imaginative aren't you! Especially since my picture is only a head shot. But I'm sure you'll totally LOVE the 21 stone of love from my neck down. Plus you strike me as the sort of guy to relish and treasure a little ladylike hirsutism and trust me, my false leg just means our love life will be that much more interesting. Have you ever used a prosthesis as a sex toy? Call me, call me now: 0781* *** ***. Yours, figuratively.

From Miss Threesome

darlin im new to this to im looking for a girl to have a bit of fun with me and my guy xxx

Dear Miss Threesome. Thanks for your email. Er...yeah...hmmm...well...not sure what to do with that right now...can I get back to you? Yours, indecisively.

PS. Not too fussed about you, but is your boyfriend hot?

From Mr Dude

good evening...
you are looking so beautiful..can i make friendship with you..can u give me reply..dude ...i'm real guy dude

Dear Mr Dude. Thanks for your email.



Yours, Dude Looks Like A Lady

From Mr Classy

Hi angel! I have noticed from your profile that you seem really down to earth and lovely. :-) So, I was wondering whether you would care to join me for a can of special brew, with a bag of chips on a park bench? aaand...if you play your cards right I will take you on a bin raid with me...you can keep lookout! ;)

Dear Mr Classy. Thanks for your email. I may be down to earth, but I'm not a total tramp! Yours, the Littlest Hobo.

PS. Make it a White Ace cider and a kebab, however, and I'm all yours

31 August 2010

From Mr Sweet

Hey you ok? What you up to? You look absolutely gorgeous in your pics surprised your on here : ) xxxx

Dear Mr Sweet. Thanks for your email. Don't be surprised I'm on here, I may look nice and normal in photos but in real life I put the i into insane, the me into demented and the chop into psychopathy. But if you don't believe me, let's meet! Now! Your house! Yours, truly madly.

From Mr Location

evening princess

i like ur profile
u look very feminine and lovely
may i ask u for a drink in london or anywhere else u choose?


Dear Mr Location. Thanks for your email. Of course you can ask me for a drink, how about in Carlisle - there's a lovely branch of Wetherspoons there that do great happy hour deals. Sound like a plan? Yours, staying well put in London

Mr Pushy

I have liked your profile very much...
Please email me direct at mr pushy@live.co.uk
We can talk on phone and meet up and discuss everything.
Please do give me one chance... And who knows we could end up being compatible, which is hard to judge from just a profile. It will be nice if you could email me your photo and phone number, and I will promise to call you.

Dear Mr Pushy. Thanks for your email. I don't doubt that you will live up to your promise and call me. And it is for precisely that reason why I shall not be sending you my number. Yours, unpushed

Mr Advice

Hey, how are you? Found anyone suitable yet? Could you tell me honestly what is wrong with my profile?

Dear Mr Advice. Thanks for your email. Clearly, I've not found anyone suitable for me yet, as I'm still on this dating site. I've had a look at your profile, and I only spotted a couple of things wrong with it. They are:
1. Your face.
2. Your personality (or lack thereof).
Other than that, you appear to be a great catch, but sadly not the right catch for me. Yours, honestly.

From Mr Toilet

heey you ok? im pretty rubbish with these sort of first messages so don't really know what to say...ermm, your gorgeous but you've heard that millions of times before so ermm *thinking* ohhhh a little childhood story for you to remember me by...here goes :D when i was 4 i fell in the toilet head first, i forgot there was a little step infront of the toilet and ran, tripped and went straight into it...well thats that then lol...now you can remember me as the guy who didnt know how to take a pee ha. brilliant. Anyway yeah your a well pretty girl and you might not even get back in touch but it would be nice to chat and get to know you thats if you wanted, so get in touch... :) x

Dear Mr Toilet. Thanks for your email. I wouldn't say that's a rubbish first message. Oh no. I would say it's a crap first message. Literally. See this is a friendly word of advice - chicks don't dig shit stories. Yours, unim-poo-ressed

From Mr Random Stream of Consciousness - again

How are you sweet heart?hope you had good day.
I am mr random stream of consciousness near heathrow.i am good looking 6 ft 1 tall.
I am suit and tie person.i am clean smell good.i do like your profile.
i am easy going caring romantic.
I like holding hands cuddles very good kisser.I like pubs restaurants but not into clubs.
I am seprated got kids,I am looking for fship,romance.
I am not into one night stands but don’t want to rush into full on rship.
I am looking for good friend lover with view to rship.i am hard working do work long hours.i hope you are understanding.I am polite friendly person,will treat you with respect make you smile.I promice you will feel closer and wanted.I am loving person who needs loving too can you provide that.If you are polite,friendly understanding and loving please get back mr random stream of consciousness @hotmail.co.uk or 0780* *** ***.hope you get back we get to know meet for drink and see how we feel,see if we got that chemistry.you are very beautiful,very pretty face and nice smile ,hope to hear from you soon love mr random stream of consciousness xxxxxxxxx

Dear Mr Random Stream of Consciousness. Thanks for your email. Again. Clearly you didn't read my first one? Here it is:


I'm pleased to find out that since we last exchanged missives you are now the proud wearer of suits and ties, are clean and smell nice, and, most importantly, you've discovered the return key. However, none of these features are redeeming enough to make up for the fact that your emails are, quite frankly, a massive pointless diatribe of disconcerting oddness. The answer is still no. But please do feel free to mail again and let me know when you've discovered flossing and italics. Yours, unrandomly.

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates