Hi... you are so sweet
Dear Mr Saccharine. Thanks for your email. It's true, I am sweet. I am so sweet, I am currently the leading cause of tooth loss in at least 23 countries around Europe, and am banned from entering American borders. I am so sugary, in fact, that the Food Standards Agency have officially labelled me as 837% of your Recommended Daily Amount of sugar. The sugar content in me is so unfeasibly high, I receive death threats from at least seventeen dentists daily, and I can send a diabetic into a coma at thirty paces. In short, as much as I would dearly love to make your acquaintance, I fear I would endanger your health. Yours, tooth-rottingly.
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