05 January 2011

From Dr Psych

You sound messed up as well as a unique gorgeous young lady.
Get back to me,it would be really nice to chat ????

Dear Dr Psych. Thanks for your email. Messed up you say? Thanks! You're my sodding therapist! Surely there's some patient-doctor code you're breaking by contacting me through a dating site? I may be messed up, but that's why I pay you an arm and a leg and a small portion of soul an hour for your professional un-messing. You're clearly not very good at your job, as you've spotted the continued messing through the veils of cyberspace. I will not be seeking your professional advice any longer. Goodbye. Yours, messily.

PS. Fancy a drink? Call me.

From Mr Electra

Hello, Hope you are well? I am Mr Electra from SE London and I am looking for someone special. I am looking for a very a naughty daddys girl who enjoys taboo fun lifestyle. I am extremely broadminded and anything goes with me, If you are submissive and enjoy being submissive then I can be dominant and push your limits and boundaries. I like to enjoy the daddy daughter relationship but punish you as and when I need to
I am looking to chat on and off line but also looking to meet hopefully on a regular basis for naughty fun. I can accommodate and I can travel if needs be xx

Dear Mr Electra. Thanks for your email. I have to say that fictional incest isn't part of my romantic repartee, it just makes me feel icky. Especially since you are exactly the same age as my dad, only nowhere near as handsome. Nowhere near. Because my dad is fit. Mmm. Sorry to disappoint you. Yours, complexly

From Mr Ex Husband

God you are funny.... Pretty too. Check out my profile and maybe mail me back if you like what you see. x

Dear Mr Ex Husband. Thanks for your email. I've just checked out your profile, and given you admit to your ex wife kicking you out of the house three times in your write up, I have to confess that has put me off somewhat. It has nothing to do with the fact that in your 'three things to do before I die' section you have listed skydiving, meet the Queen and receive a blow job. I'm presuming you have no intention of combining the three. Hmm. No thanks. Yours, exily

From Mr Cheapskate

@--->--- flower for you

Dear Mr Cheapskate. Thanks for your email. That's not a real flower, that's an at sign, followed by three hyphens, a greater than sign and three more hyphens you tight wad. Now go out and buy me a fucking rose and then we can talk. Yours, florally

04 January 2011

From Mr Teen

hi i was wondering if you would be in having sex with me as it will be my first time?

Dear Mr Teen. Thanks for your email. You are 14 years old. No. Seriously. No. Just to emphasise my point, you are less than half my age, a good couple of years under the age of consent, and even more poignantly, you weren't alive for the great Blur-Oasis Britpop battle, Jarvis Cocker thwarting Jacko's BRIT's performance and the release of Toy Story 1. Yes, Toy Story 1, it may shock you to know there were two more Toy Story films before the current one. Shouldn't you be poking people on Facebook rather than looking for your first poke online? Please do me a favour and stick to the XBox with your mates rather than looking for sex on dating sites. Yours, adultly

PS. If that fails, why don't you try saving up your pocket money and hiring a hooker? Just a thought...

From Mr Disinterested

I want to know you ache for ,and if you dare or dream of meeting

Your heart,s longing.

It doesn,t interest me how old you are

I want to know if you will risking looking like a fool for love,fordream,for

The adventure of being alive

It doesn,t interest me what planets are squaring your moon

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,if

You have been opened by life betrayals or have become shiveled and closed

For fear or futher pain!i want to know if you can sit with pain,mine

Or your own,without movingto hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want know if you can be with joy,mine ,or your own.

If you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tip of your

Fingers,and toes without cautioningus to be carful.be realistic,or remember the

Limitation of being a human.

It doesn't,t interest me if the story you,re telling me is true

I want to if can disappoint another to be true to yourself,

If yes

Can bear the accusation of betray and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even if is not pretty everyday

and if you can source your life from god,s presence.i want to know

If you can live with failure,yours and mine,and still stand on the edge of

A lake and shout to the moon”yes”!!!!!

It doesn't,t interest me where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can getup after a night of grief and despair

Weary,bruised to the bone,and do what need to be done for the children

It doesn't,t interest me who you are,how you come to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me

And not shrink back.

It not interest me where or which whom you have studied

I want know what sustain you from inside,when all else

Falls away

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself ,and truly

Like the company you keep in the empty moment….

Dear Mr Disinterested. Thanks for your email. If I'm looking at your email in percentages, I would say the vast majority points to the fact that not an awful lot about me piques your curiousity in the slightest, and your missive is quite frankly half apathetic, half abstruse, but on the whole totally half-baked. I am less flattered than I am utterly flummoxed. I think you may need to lay off the narcotics my unfathomable friend, and perhaps stick to the old 'hello, how are you?' style messages from hereon in. Yours, disenchantedly

From Mr Romantic

It's not who you are to the world, it's who you are to me. It's not how many times I say I love you... it's how much I really do.

Dear Mr Romantic. Thanks for your email. Er, who the dickens are you? Seriously? Well, I'll tell you who I am. To the world, I am a single girl looking for a single boy for love, laughs and possibly a lifetime. To you, however, I am the girl that was ever so slightly repulsed by your vomit-inducing copy and paste attempt at wooing a total stranger that she sends a bilious attempt at a response, before getting even more bilious in the bathroom. Yours, nauseously

From Mr Friend

Hi very interesting profile well I'm an asian male from herts online for a chat and friendship. Hope you had a great Xmas and a new year. I am not single and joined this line only for friendship so if that makes you run a mile I understand if not be great to chat

Dear Mr Friend. Thanks for your email. Oh you're only after after friendship? What a shame, here's me thinking you had joined a romantically-titled dating site in the hope of finding that someone special to spend the rest of your life with, not a friend just go for coffee with, watch the football and most probably whinge about your girlfriend. How very disappointing. Unless maybe you think that becoming friends with someone on a dating site might 'accidentally' evolve into something romantic, thereby replacing your current partner with a better model without the interim barren sexless wasteland of singledom, in some devious overlapping test drive process? And of course the fact that you've covered your back in your initial email by saying you're only after friendship totally absolves you of the fact you're potentially a scheming cheating bastard? A stroke of genius, no doubt, and I'm sure when you find a new 'friend' that you'd rather hop into bed with, that poor sap who current thinks you're her devoted boyfriend will totally understand, as it was a total accident. Pull the other one, it's got bells on. Yours, unfriendily

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates