What on earth am i suppose to write as a first message after reading that?
Dear Mr Unsure. Thanks for your email. Well, for starters, write something better than that. Anything in fact! Well, maybe not anything...have you read my blog?
Yours, surely.
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
21 December 2010
From Mr Mistaken 2
Hey blondie! Hows it going? Nice profile and big cheeky smile lol! Hows your week going? X
Dear Mr Mistaken. Thanks for your email. I'm afraid I am neither a blonde nor a Debbie Harry lookalike, so I can only assume you believe you're writing to the beautiful golden-locked model on the left hand side advertising some sort of shampoo. Well you're wrong on three counts there. Nevermind. Yours, brown-hairedly, glass-heartedly and mis-modellingly
Dear Mr Mistaken. Thanks for your email. I'm afraid I am neither a blonde nor a Debbie Harry lookalike, so I can only assume you believe you're writing to the beautiful golden-locked model on the left hand side advertising some sort of shampoo. Well you're wrong on three counts there. Nevermind. Yours, brown-hairedly, glass-heartedly and mis-modellingly
From Mr Belmarsh
hey, am looking for somebody to hook up with
Dear Mr Belmarsh. Thanks for your email. As flattered as I am by your message, I'm afraid I'm unable to oblige. Nice try Abu Hamza. Yours, 'armlessly
Dear Mr Belmarsh. Thanks for your email. As flattered as I am by your message, I'm afraid I'm unable to oblige. Nice try Abu Hamza. Yours, 'armlessly
From Miss Sweden
You are so so so pretty! :)
Dear Miss Sweden. Thanks for your email. You are also so so so pretty. You are also so so so female. Which is so so so not what I'm looking for. Swap an X for a Y at chromosome level and then maybe we can talk. Yours, eXXclusively
Dear Miss Sweden. Thanks for your email. You are also so so so pretty. You are also so so so female. Which is so so so not what I'm looking for. Swap an X for a Y at chromosome level and then maybe we can talk. Yours, eXXclusively
From Mr Game
guess who? x
Dear Mr Game. Thanks for your email.
Are you a man?
Are you ginger?
Have you got a funny little beard?
Are you balding?
Do you have round rosy cheeks?
Is your head shaped just like a Kinder egg?
Are you Bill?
Wow, you're hot. For a Milton Bradley game character...
Yours, inquisitively
From Mr Random Scenario
Your in a little bit of a rush at the supermarket checkout queue. A tiny frail old lady behind you with just durex lubricant asks if she can push in front. Do you say:
A) sure
B) hows get fucked sound
c) Take the lubricant and say thanks, you didnt realised you dropped it?
Dear Mr Random Scenario. Thanks for your email. I have to say, I would choose none of the above. I would go for:
D) 'Nanna, remember what happened to your Yorkshire puddings the last time you left the bungalow without your glasses on? Now go back to the baking aisle and pick up the real vegetable oil like you're supposed to, there's a good girl.'
So there. Yours, correctively.
A) sure
B) hows get fucked sound
c) Take the lubricant and say thanks, you didnt realised you dropped it?
Dear Mr Random Scenario. Thanks for your email. I have to say, I would choose none of the above. I would go for:
D) 'Nanna, remember what happened to your Yorkshire puddings the last time you left the bungalow without your glasses on? Now go back to the baking aisle and pick up the real vegetable oil like you're supposed to, there's a good girl.'
So there. Yours, correctively.
From Mr Lyrical
I wrote a song for you. It goes:
I've got a length,
Yeah, I gotta length,
Girth girth girth length.
What do you think...?
Dear Mr Lyrical. Thanks for your email. That song was shit, you've not made it through to the next round. Yours, Simon Cowell
I've got a length,
Yeah, I gotta length,
Girth girth girth length.
What do you think...?
Dear Mr Lyrical. Thanks for your email. That song was shit, you've not made it through to the next round. Yours, Simon Cowell
From Mr Indecision
Kitchen worktop or comfy bed?
Dear Mr Indecision. Thanks for your email. Well, kitchen worktop of course! You'll never get the carrot stains out of your sheets if you insist on chopping vegetables in bed. Silly billy. Yours, decisively
Dear Mr Indecision. Thanks for your email. Well, kitchen worktop of course! You'll never get the carrot stains out of your sheets if you insist on chopping vegetables in bed. Silly billy. Yours, decisively
From Mr Writer
Hi,
Nice fun profile, I am probably too far from you to have
a chance to attract your attention but if you fancy a penfriend,
you do sound like a fun chick to chat with :)
x
Dear Mr Writer. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, are we back at school? I think you might be on the wrong website - this here is a dating website, which, in case you weren't aware is an online medium for finding a potential romantic partner, not to find someone to whom you can scribble tedious missives about grandparents, school holidays and homework, surrounded by puerile doodles. May I direct you to www.penfriendsreunited.com for such purposes. Yours, pen unfriendly
Nice fun profile, I am probably too far from you to have
a chance to attract your attention but if you fancy a penfriend,
you do sound like a fun chick to chat with :)
x
Dear Mr Writer. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, are we back at school? I think you might be on the wrong website - this here is a dating website, which, in case you weren't aware is an online medium for finding a potential romantic partner, not to find someone to whom you can scribble tedious missives about grandparents, school holidays and homework, surrounded by puerile doodles. May I direct you to www.penfriendsreunited.com for such purposes. Yours, pen unfriendly
From Mr Gift
Look under the Christmas tree..I'm your gift! I think we could really have fun and hit it off, do you want to meet?
Dear Mr Gift. Thanks for your email. Oh for fuck's sake! I'd been so good this year, and this is what I get? Have you still got the receipt? Even the cash would be preferable, I certainly wouldn't consider your presence good presents. Screw you Santa, next year I'm converting to Judaism. Yours, misgiftedly
Dear Mr Gift. Thanks for your email. Oh for fuck's sake! I'd been so good this year, and this is what I get? Have you still got the receipt? Even the cash would be preferable, I certainly wouldn't consider your presence good presents. Screw you Santa, next year I'm converting to Judaism. Yours, misgiftedly
From Mr Sleaze
Hey,
Great legs!! I'm expecting a txt with the opening times!!
07950 *** ***
Mr Sleaze
Dear Mr Sleaze. Thanks for your email. I regret to inform you that 'Great Legs' has since ceased trading. This is due to the large number of undesirables hanging around the entrance trying to get their hands on the available stock. Management would like to thank you for your interest in 'Great Legs', but strongly advises you take your custom elsewhere. Yours, legrettably.
Great legs!! I'm expecting a txt with the opening times!!
07950 *** ***
Mr Sleaze
Dear Mr Sleaze. Thanks for your email. I regret to inform you that 'Great Legs' has since ceased trading. This is due to the large number of undesirables hanging around the entrance trying to get their hands on the available stock. Management would like to thank you for your interest in 'Great Legs', but strongly advises you take your custom elsewhere. Yours, legrettably.
From Mr Foot Fetishist
Hi, can I kiss your feet ? :)
Dear Mr Foot Fetishist. Thanks for your email. Sure, you can kiss my feet. Can I wax them first? Yours, hobbitually.
Dear Mr Foot Fetishist. Thanks for your email. Sure, you can kiss my feet. Can I wax them first? Yours, hobbitually.
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