26 July 2010

From Mr Creepy

hi there hows you?. you look really gorgeous. I would love to get to know you if your interested. I hope you can reply. Who knows what may happen?.lol. By the way love the lips. Very attractive. Makes me wanna come out the screen of your computer and give a quick peck.lol

Dear Mr Creepy. Thanks for your email. Have you ever seen the film The Ring? Your rather frightening profile pictures and the mental image you have just given me of coming out of my screen have freaked me out so much I may have to sleep with the light on indefinitely. So take your 'lols' and out-of-screen poppings stay the fuck away from my telly! Yours coweringly.

25 July 2010

From Mr Incomprehensible

Lets exchange emails for msn, get to know each other, find out that we cant keep ourselves from talking about each other, then cant stop thinking about each other so we decide to meet. meet goes great and we end up in amazing love. Sounds good yer? Nice to meet you.

Dear Mr Incomprehensible. Thanks for your email. Er...what? How about we keep this simple - no, no, no and er...no. Yours, baffled.

21 July 2010

From Mr Modest

I'm ashamed to have winked at you now. Having fully read your profile I feel hopelessly deficient, both for my own lacklustre profile and as a human being! For being inspired and inspiring, I salute you. May that shadowy figure of fate guide you to romantic fulfilment. Adieu.

Dear Mr Modest. Thanks for your email. I must apologise that my profile makes you feel like an inferior human being. After all, a short, round, brown-haired person of the female variety is clearly directly comparable to someone of the frighteningly tall, rakishly skinny and unfeasibly ginger variety. I would suggest you maybe speak to a close friend, parent or counsellor about your lack of self esteem as a result of looking at virtual (and presumably exaggerated) representations of fellow human beings - it's clearly not healthy. I don't want to make you feel even worse, so I'll leave it here. May that shadowy figure of fate point you in the direction clearly marked 'self help'. Yours guiltily.

20 July 2010

From Mr Direct

great profile girl u seem genuine girl i am lkinng for a genuine girl but to many timewasters here if ur seroius 4love dark we cud maybe chat on pone 07799 ****** i like travlling and doin nu things hope 2 chat 2u soon?? Xxxxx

Dear Mr Direct. Thanks for your email. And, indeed, ur pone (sic) number, which, I will admit, I have no intention of using. But why, I hear you ask (or 'bt y' more like). Well, for starters, what exactly are you lkinng (sic) for? I'll tell you what I'm looking for. Someone who uses proper English: full sentences, proper words, some semblance of grammar, not some sort of psuedo-teen-text-lingo that will no doubt be the death of our fine language within a decade. Someone that, quite frankly, doesn't invent words using a totally random combination of letters. And someone who doesn't model their entire image on Dappy from N-Dubz. Anyway, soz2 av wstid yr tym, bt i must go n b sic (sic). Yrs, literately.

From Mr Smooth

Hi, You look like a goddess, very pretty, sweeet and cool in ur pics. Am a tall, handsome, funny guy, hard-working, strong-willed and independent. am considerate and have a good heart. I will worship you my lady,Please gimme the pleasure to treat u like a queen that you deserve.

Mr Smooth. Thanks for your email. But seriously, you think that sort of shit works on girls, all that sickening flattery, pandering to my ego? Disgusting, shame on you! Yours disgruntedly.

ps. Call me. 0781* *** ***

15 July 2010

From Mr Skeptical

hiya, nice profile, well as long as you're real, cos i'm firmly of the belief that probably 80% of the profiles on here are totally made up!

Dear Mr Skeptical. Thanks for your email. You seem like a bright, perceptive guy, I like that. We should definitely get together over a drink some time. Name your date. Yours hopefully, Miss C. Diaz.

13 July 2010

From Mr Feeder

Hello how are you? I think you have the self esteem to be beautiful;is self-aware and value yourself. When it comes to food; what do you generally like to eat?

Dear Mr Feeder. What the...seriously, what the holy fuck? I have the self esteem to be beautiful, self aware and value myself? What, are you some sort of wrong 'un, self-taught yet illiterate punctuation-maverick, pseudo-psychoanalyst? And what do I like to eat? Jog on sunshine, jog on, you're wrong wrong wrong. Yours, wrongedly.

10 July 2010

From Mr Bald

Hi how is life treating you today, you got a fun weekend planned?

Dear Mr Bald. Thanks for your email. Life could be better, I'll be honest. First of all, I've run out of hormone pills, which is not only wreaking havoc with my moods but also the hairs are starting to reappear on my chest. Not only that but my ex boyfriend has just rung to tell me that he's ridden with chlamydia, and that I need to get myself down the clinic pronto or face potential infertility. My incontinent Great Dane also shat on the kitchen floor for the thousandth time, which I then slipped on and as a result have now fractured four bones in my legs, three bones in my arm and lost the only tooth I had left. As for this weekend, once I've been to A&E and had the dog put down, I have to go and have my electronic tag removed, because since I gained those pesky seven stone, it's become rather tight and is cutting off the circulation to my foot. I also need to go and pay for last month's crack as the giro came through late and my dealer is threatening me and my nine children with violence. Other than that, maybe watching a bit of Big Brother. What about you? Fancy a date? Yours optimistically.

07 July 2010

From Mr Torso

ow are you babe, having a good week so far?! do anything exciting? thought you came across really nice and not with attitude like many on here lol be nice to chat and get to know you xx

Dear Mr Torso. Thanks for your email. And, also, for the attached pictures of your naked torso. It's a shame you seem to be missing a head...in all seven of your pictures. I sincerely hope it's nothing permanent. Here's what you need to know about me: I can't abide lol-ers, men who insist on sending topless pictures, and, in agreement with the illustrious Pamela Anderson in celluloid classic Barb Wire, anyone calling me 'babe'. As for having an attitude, clearly you've never read any of my replies before. Enjoy. Yours, insincerely.

From Mr Good Sport

Hi there. I really liked your profile and I thought I would get in contact with you as i would like to get to know you. Well a bit about me. I work as a consultant in central london.I also like Outdoor sports , football, cycling , scuba diving, skiing, kayaking, hiking etc which i try to do as often as i can. Im also a qualified Aromatherapy Masseuse. Well if you like the sound of me please get in touch.

Dear Mr Good Sport. Thanks for your email. I'm marginally distressed that you seem to think listing lots of sports will impress me. Men assume women love that sort of thing, hearing how adventurous a potential suitor is, making the presumption they have a buff body through all that exercise and by association they must be able to afford such activities. Speaking on behalf of my people, that's just not the case. Girls don't want a boyfriend who'll drag them up a mountain in freezing fog, laugh at them when they fall off their bike, humiliate them for being out of breath after running for the bus or draw rude pictures on their plaster cast when they break their extremities skiing. They don't. And don't go thinking the allure of old-lady-lavender scented wandering hands will be the deal clincher either. It won't. It's creepy. Yours, unsportingly.

06 July 2010

From Mr Funny

wow you have to have the best profile ive read not that ive read lots mind lol..not sure what to say after reading yours im speachless ill try a joke then...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

hope that got you to smile at least.. please feel free to ask anything about me if you like

Dear Mr Funny. Thanks for your email. Well, since you've opened the floor up to questions, I may as well fire away:
1. What is it with 'lol'? Are you some prepubescant trying not to overdo their character limit on a text as they're running out of credit and mum's cut their pocket money?
2. What is your aversion to the humble apostrophe? What has it ever done for you, apart from making anything you write make more sense and have grammatical propriety?
3. And why do you think I would like to read a joke cut and pasted from a greetings card? And it's clearly cut and pasted as your syntax during said joke is perfect, unlike the preamble and post-amble. Yours, unamusedly.

05 July 2010

From Mr Indifferent

Hey there, I was looking at your profile and thought I'd drop you a quick email to say hi. Drop me an email if you fancy a chat, if not, well I wasn't really interested anyway. Anyway take it easy, maybe I'll hear from you, who knows..

Dear Mr Indifferent. Yes, who knows indeed. Perhaps we should just leave things as they are. Non-existant. Yours just-as-indifferently.

04 July 2010

From Mr Bland

Hi. How are you? Ive just joined so I'm not exactly sure how this all works but I saw your profile and I thought I would say hello. Have you had a good weekend? Ive had quite a heavy one, went out for a quick beer after work Friday night and ended up getting the last train home and last night was a friends birthday. Today I'm being the good son and come over to help my mum decorate her bedroom. Anyway hope you've had a good one and hopefully speak to you soon.

Dear Mr Bland. Thanks for your email, from which I've woken up just long enough to send you this reply. Quite clearly, you must have a vague idea how internet dating works, since you've signed up to the site, given them lots of your hard-earned cash, written a profile nearly as banal as your missive, and then made contact with another human being. Well done you. I am pleased you managed to get the last train home, since goodness knows what night time ills may have befallen you otherwise. I'll wager your friends would be waiting with baited breath for the ensuing anecdote about how you had to get a taxi instead. God forbid. Just out of interest, what colour are you painting your mother's bedroom? Beige? Magnolia? Vanilla? The same colour as your trousers in every one of your 8 pictures and, presumably the same colour as your soul? Yours, soporifically.

03 July 2010

From Mr Chancer

Hi there, I am interested in finding more about yourself, hobbies interests and the kind of person that you would be looking for, I am new to XXXX.com and getting used to cyber dating. I am a romantic,caring,kind and sociable person with lots of hobbies and interests from drumming to dancing or cycling to abseiling, i have travelled afew places from Cuba to New Zealand and South africa recently. I enjoy cafes,bars and restaurants or museums and places of interests with culture and history, i would love to share good times with someone exciting and interesting. I am happy to wine and dine or spend time reading anything and everything, i find socialising or meeting new people both exciting and opening new opportunities. Friends and family are important and value people close to me, i would hope to meet someone like minded. I hope to hear from yourself. Thankyou.

Dear Mr Chancer. Thanks for your email. Three words for you: cut and paste. One more word: lazy.

02 July 2010

From Mr Lowslung Ears

Hi, I have read your lovely profile and would love to get in touch... do you think that is feasible? With thanks.

Dear Mr Lowslung Ears. Many thanks for your email. It's true I do have a rather lovely profile, but since everything in this life is relative, that is only because I took time to write something more inventive than 'I like to go to the cinema, eat out at resturants (sic)and watch sports'. As a casual aside, I'm not sure if you're familiar with the dictionary. Well I am, and I took the liberty of checking what feasible means:
1. Capable of being accomplished or brought about; possible.
2. Logical; likely:
3. Used or dealt with successfully; suitable.
In short, yes, getting in touch is feasible according to point 1, because you have already initiated some form of mutual communication. With reference to point 2, the chances of any further 'touch' is looking, quite frankly, most unlikely. I'm afraid, by the time we get to point 3, the success off this touch-getting has past the dwindling stage, and is now firmly resting on the side of unsuccessful. Yours, unfeasibly.

01 July 2010

From Mr Potato Head

Hey pretty face how's it going? Can you wax lyrical a bit more? x

Dear Mr Potato Head. Thanks for your email. Given the fact that your message marks the first step into any sort of two-way discourse, waxing lyrical 'a bit more' would prove virtually impossible, especially as I am not aware that I waxed in the first place...at least nothing easily discernible from my profile. Many thanks also for the new nickname 'Pretty Face'. I shall be bandying that around my friends in the hope that one day it will catch on. I am afraid to say, however, that your new nickname is not quite so flattering, although I'm sure if you were to run a straw poll amongst your friends, I suspect a high proportion would commend its accuracy. I'm afraid, on this occasion, I don't think we are romantically compatible, but if you get the Potato Head accessories set for Christmas with a few more options for noses and perhaps start wearing your ears a fraction higher, then get back in touch. Yours lyrically, CTS

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