30 April 2011

From Mr Planner

dont make any plans next saturday im taking you out.

Dear Mr Planner. Thanks for your email. Oh, what a shame, your message arrives 5 minutes too late - I've just made an appointment to have my back, crack and sack waxed. But if you didn't mind meeting a little later, I'd definitely be up for that? Call me... 07814 xxx xxx. Yours, hirsutely

07 April 2011

From Mr Walker

Walking on road i imagine your sexy strut causing drivers to lose their attention....
I like

Dear Mr Walker. Thanks for your email. It's true, my stride is a real traffic stopper. However, that normally tends to happen when my false leg gets caught on the kerb and I accidentally leave the limb lying in the road. Having been run over once or twice, the leg  does now lack the full integrity it once had, so a select few say my gait is sexy. However most see it as slightly shambolic. And drivers in East London see it as a speed bump. Yours, limply

From Mr Astute

u not dark but i am

Dear Mr Astute. Thanks for your email. Yes, you are correct, I am not dark, I am white. I am, in fact, the whitest white person in the whole white world. And yes, you are correct, you are dark, because your family originally hail from Africa. I congratulate you in noticing the fundamental difference in the colour of our skins, and wonder exactly of what relevance this observation is? Unless, of course, this is your round-the-houses way of suggesting we duet together on a charity version of Ebony and Ivory, in which case I shall start my vocal warm ups forthwith. Yours, colourblind

From Mr Sex

hello. do u like sex

Dear Mr Sex. Thanks for your message. No, I prefer table tennis. Sorry. Yours, ping pongingly.

From Mr Footie

Fancy meeting up to watch the football?

Dear Mr Footie. Thanks for your email. No, I do not want to watch the football with you, that is what your mates are for, have you not got any mates? Come back to me with a proposition involving eighties chick flicks, a tub of Haagen-Dazs and four litres of cheap Chardonnay and we're still not on. Yours, most definitely offside.

From Mr Generous

i think i will give you some thing 'interesting'

Dear Mr Generous. Thanks for your email. Something 'interesting' eh? How exciting! Let me guess...a round the world yachting ticket? An annual subscription to Basket-weavers Almanac? Chlamydia? Don't answer that...Yours, disinterestedly

From Mr Family Man

Would you say your family is up for a party or are they quite reserved?

Dear Mr Family Man. Thanks for your email. You leave my family out of it, none of them would be interested in someone like you. In fact, come to think of it, neither am I, so go and have a stab at your own family before you come sniffing after mine, you great big pervy relative-wrangler you. Yours, unfamiliarly.

PS. Actually come to think of it, my nan's a bit of a goer, perhaps you should give her a try? She's just had her hips done...

From Mr Claus

Get your coat, you've pulled!

Dear Mr Claus. Thanks for your email. Speaking of pulling, shouldn't you be tending to those reindeer or yours rather than chasing after girls a couple of millienia your junior? Yours, unfestively.

From Mr Exhibitionist

there is no way you are without a man!"? if you are ever at a loose end i say you should get your bum out with me for a fab date?

Dear Mr Exhibitionist. Thanks for your email. Get my bum out on a first date? I would do no such a thing, I'm classy, me. Third date, maybe. And if you play your cards right, by the fifth date I might even get my cock out. Yours, exposingly

From Mr Martian

Hello, I'm Manny the Martian. What's your favourite flavour of bowling ball?

Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.

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