dont make any plans next saturday im taking you out.
Dear Mr Planner. Thanks for your email. Oh, what a shame, your message arrives 5 minutes too late - I've just made an appointment to have my back, crack and sack waxed. But if you didn't mind meeting a little later, I'd definitely be up for that? Call me... 07814 xxx xxx. Yours, hirsutely
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
30 April 2011
07 April 2011
From Mr Walker
Walking on road i imagine your sexy strut causing drivers to lose their attention....
I like
x
Dear Mr Walker. Thanks for your email. It's true, my stride is a real traffic stopper. However, that normally tends to happen when my false leg gets caught on the kerb and I accidentally leave the limb lying in the road. Having been run over once or twice, the leg does now lack the full integrity it once had, so a select few say my gait is sexy. However most see it as slightly shambolic. And drivers in East London see it as a speed bump. Yours, limply
I like
x
Dear Mr Walker. Thanks for your email. It's true, my stride is a real traffic stopper. However, that normally tends to happen when my false leg gets caught on the kerb and I accidentally leave the limb lying in the road. Having been run over once or twice, the leg does now lack the full integrity it once had, so a select few say my gait is sexy. However most see it as slightly shambolic. And drivers in East London see it as a speed bump. Yours, limply
From Mr Astute
u not dark but i am
Dear Mr Astute. Thanks for your email. Yes, you are correct, I am not dark, I am white. I am, in fact, the whitest white person in the whole white world. And yes, you are correct, you are dark, because your family originally hail from Africa. I congratulate you in noticing the fundamental difference in the colour of our skins, and wonder exactly of what relevance this observation is? Unless, of course, this is your round-the-houses way of suggesting we duet together on a charity version of Ebony and Ivory, in which case I shall start my vocal warm ups forthwith. Yours, colourblind
Dear Mr Astute. Thanks for your email. Yes, you are correct, I am not dark, I am white. I am, in fact, the whitest white person in the whole white world. And yes, you are correct, you are dark, because your family originally hail from Africa. I congratulate you in noticing the fundamental difference in the colour of our skins, and wonder exactly of what relevance this observation is? Unless, of course, this is your round-the-houses way of suggesting we duet together on a charity version of Ebony and Ivory, in which case I shall start my vocal warm ups forthwith. Yours, colourblind
From Mr Sex
hello. do u like sex
Dear Mr Sex. Thanks for your message. No, I prefer table tennis. Sorry. Yours, ping pongingly.
Dear Mr Sex. Thanks for your message. No, I prefer table tennis. Sorry. Yours, ping pongingly.
From Mr Footie
Fancy meeting up to watch the football?
Dear Mr Footie. Thanks for your email. No, I do not want to watch the football with you, that is what your mates are for, have you not got any mates? Come back to me with a proposition involving eighties chick flicks, a tub of Haagen-Dazs and four litres of cheap Chardonnay and we're still not on. Yours, most definitely offside.
Dear Mr Footie. Thanks for your email. No, I do not want to watch the football with you, that is what your mates are for, have you not got any mates? Come back to me with a proposition involving eighties chick flicks, a tub of Haagen-Dazs and four litres of cheap Chardonnay and we're still not on. Yours, most definitely offside.
From Mr Generous
i think i will give you some thing 'interesting'
Dear Mr Generous. Thanks for your email. Something 'interesting' eh? How exciting! Let me guess...a round the world yachting ticket? An annual subscription to Basket-weavers Almanac? Chlamydia? Don't answer that...Yours, disinterestedly
Dear Mr Generous. Thanks for your email. Something 'interesting' eh? How exciting! Let me guess...a round the world yachting ticket? An annual subscription to Basket-weavers Almanac? Chlamydia? Don't answer that...Yours, disinterestedly
From Mr Family Man
Would you say your family is up for a party or are they quite reserved?
Dear Mr Family Man. Thanks for your email. You leave my family out of it, none of them would be interested in someone like you. In fact, come to think of it, neither am I, so go and have a stab at your own family before you come sniffing after mine, you great big pervy relative-wrangler you. Yours, unfamiliarly.
PS. Actually come to think of it, my nan's a bit of a goer, perhaps you should give her a try? She's just had her hips done...
Dear Mr Family Man. Thanks for your email. You leave my family out of it, none of them would be interested in someone like you. In fact, come to think of it, neither am I, so go and have a stab at your own family before you come sniffing after mine, you great big pervy relative-wrangler you. Yours, unfamiliarly.
PS. Actually come to think of it, my nan's a bit of a goer, perhaps you should give her a try? She's just had her hips done...
From Mr Claus
Get your coat, you've pulled!
Dear Mr Claus. Thanks for your email. Speaking of pulling, shouldn't you be tending to those reindeer or yours rather than chasing after girls a couple of millienia your junior? Yours, unfestively.
Dear Mr Claus. Thanks for your email. Speaking of pulling, shouldn't you be tending to those reindeer or yours rather than chasing after girls a couple of millienia your junior? Yours, unfestively.
From Mr Exhibitionist
there is no way you are without a man!"? if you are ever at a loose end i say you should get your bum out with me for a fab date?
Dear Mr Exhibitionist. Thanks for your email. Get my bum out on a first date? I would do no such a thing, I'm classy, me. Third date, maybe. And if you play your cards right, by the fifth date I might even get my cock out. Yours, exposingly
Dear Mr Exhibitionist. Thanks for your email. Get my bum out on a first date? I would do no such a thing, I'm classy, me. Third date, maybe. And if you play your cards right, by the fifth date I might even get my cock out. Yours, exposingly
From Mr Martian
Hello, I'm Manny the Martian. What's your favourite flavour of bowling ball?
Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.
Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)