13 November 2011

From Mrs Threesome

Hi babe, I'm looking for a sexy lady to join me for some girl on girl action and then for my husband to join in, are you intrested? Hope you are look forward to your reply ;)xx

Dear Mrs Threesome. Thanks for your email. Sorry, you're totally not my type, but your husband is FIT! Mind if I have a go? I'm sure you can watch...from outside a locked door. With no windows. Yours, hopefully

From Mr Christian

i hope you enjoy every moments of happy and joyful festival,
i am wishing you a sparking,happy and joyful Christmas to you
"he is on your way of life,
this Christmas with christ'"
see you
enjoy your time

Dear Mr Christian. Thanks for your email. Hang on, are you saying that Jesus Christ has something to do with Christmas? Rubbish! We celebrate Christmas because the 25th of December is Father Christmas' birthday! Look at the facts. We all get presents because that's what birthdays are all about. And we decorate Christmas trees which represent his home in the North Pole. And we all eat mince pies, Quality Streets and drink eggnog, because they're Santa's favourite party treats. And we use the symbols of angels because the old beardy fella was a massive Robbie Williams fan. And we hang up stockings to acknowledge the fact he has a penchant for cross dressing. And we all pray for a White Christmas because we know that Santa had a nose for blow. So there. You bloody Christians, trying to make everything relevant to Jesus. Piss off you and your dogmatic peddling, and leave the real festivals to us atheists. Yours, festively

From Mr Married

Hi there, how r u? Would u be friends and have with a married man?

Check my profile and let me know if u're interested (Text me 0753* *** ***).

Take care. Mr Married xxxx

Dear Mr Married. Thanks for your email. No, I would not like to be friends or anything else with a married man. What I would really like to do is publish your full profile and mobile number for the entire internet to see. I'd also dearly love to know what your poor wife feels about her husband actively putting himself on dating sites and emailing his mobile number around to strange women. Sadly, I'm sure there are some ladies on here who don't see a little thing as 'marriage' as an obstacle in meeting new partners, but I sure as hell do. Shame on you. Yours, most offendedly

From Mr Poetic


Rather than initials why not call yourself something like: Gorgeous Virgo Comic Writing Clown-Like Knitting Love Goddess!

Anyway, great profile and witty narrative style
and I love your gorgeous face and smile,
your sexy lips, symmetry (what I've seen) and your amazingly beautiful hazel eyes:
serene yet so full of wonder, passion, promise and surprise!

Write soon
and perhaps one day we'll meet in the summer sun
and go on an adventure or city break and have a lot of fun
and share a dance and little romance beneath the silver moon!

Ciao for now!

Dear Mr Poetic. Thanks for your email. And for your inventive verse. Straight prose won't do justice to the sentiment I feel in response to your poetry, so I thought I would reward like with like. I beg your indulgence awhile:

Your profile's lacking all appeal
To start you off, is your hair real?
It seems to perch upon your head
Just like a rabbit. Only dead.

Your dress sense sucks, your poem's bad
You're old enough to be my dad
And walk with you in luna's beam?
I'd frankly rather boil my spleen

Flattery will get you everywhere
I hope at least ten miles from here
Before it lived, lust would be dead
Twixt me and your mid-aged spread

I can imagine nothing worse
Than reading more of your crude verse
The only thing I'll promise you
Is we'll never meet. And so, adieu.

Yours, lyrically

From Mr Over-Analysis

When u get whistled at in the street, u feel uncomfortable and u''l always tut and roll your eyes. But ur awesomely flattered and ud be gutted if it stopped.

u will never grow out of your fascination with pop stars. A guy can be completely ordinary-looking, but u will fancy him if he’s in a band.

u are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really pretty.

u can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.

When u look through a his Facebook photos, ur looking to see how pretty or ugly his ex-girlfriends are.

u look through his Facebook photos a lot, and u really hope that he hasnt downloaded anything that reveals who looks at them the most.

Here’s how to make u fall for me. One day, i come on to u so strong that ur a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring u. ul wonder what u did wrong, and u won’t be able to stop thinking about me.

The above strategy isn’t foolproof. u may just lose interest. It depends on how much u liked me in the first place.

u often don’t know how much u liked me in the first place. u may have to wait until i don’t phone u. If ur disappointed, it proves that u fancy me . If ur not, it proves that u don’t. It’s like when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.

gotta stop trying to understand how your mind works. Even u don’t understand how your mind works.

u constantly change your mind and reserve the right to do so.

u love getting a missed call from me. It makes u feel in control.

The pleasure of noticing a missed call doesn’t last long. u never know how soon to ring back, and it does your head in.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by seeming too keen.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by not seeming keen enough.

u will never discuss this with me because u are constantly scared of putting me off by bringing “us” up in conversation.

“I’m scared of being hurt” means “I don’t fancy you as much as I thought I did.” You know it, i know it, and that is all that will be said on the matter.

u say “i’is not manipulative” because ur really good at being manipulative.

u only manipulate my feelings because i manipulated yours first.

Snoring costs me sex.

my feet disgust u.

u shave your toes.

uve got a rogue hair that needs regular plucking.

u went through a phase of shaving your moustache.

u leave your legs unshaven on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u wear big knickers on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u spend entire first date fancying the pants off me and worrying that we’ll end up in bed , all unshaven legs and big knickers.

u don’t actually care that much about the loo seat.

u suspect that i like your body more when ur carrying a few extra pounds, but u always feel better about yourself when u lose weight. However u hate that your boobs look deflated, and ur disgusted by the injustice of it.

u envy me for being able to eat more than u and not get fat. By “envy” u mean “occasionally hate.”

If a grown-up woman has light blonde hair, she’s bleaching it*. i can tell that a woman is a natural blonde from her mousey eyebrows. (* OK, or she’s Scandinavian.)

u trim your nose-hair.

Yes uve got nice eyes, blah blah. Boring. u are desperate for me to compliment your skin and your neck.

u are even more desperate for me to write poems about u.

When ur at a party u clock the sexy girls far quicker than u clock the sexy guys.

u find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that doesn’t mean u want to snog any of them.

However u do wish u were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex from someone who really knows what they’re doing.

Size does matter!

What i do with it matters even more.

What i do with my tongue matters most of all.

ur really scared that i''l feel your back zits.

During breakouts u get up at 6am and cover your spots with concealer while im sleeping.

u don’t want me to stay for breakfast. u want me to leave immediately so that i don’t have time to register how dog-rough u look in the morning.

u want me to text u from my journey home to say how i can’t stop smiling.

If i don’t text or call within 24 hours u''ll feel so unhappy that no amount of chocolate and wine can cheer u up. Though u''ll give it a try.

ud happily sleep with my best mate to make me jealous.

ur scared of commitment too.

If im not very well endowed, u won’t tell ur friends. ur

u fake orgasms so that i''ll stop and let u go to sleep.

u aren’t always sure when ur faking it. In orgasms, the line between fact and fiction can be very thin.

u love falling asleep in my arms, for the first few weeks of a relationship anyway. To be honest u’d sleep a lot better if i weren’t there.

u find my dark-coloured bedsheets a total turn-off.

u’r a little girl inside. i make u cry far more easily than i realise.

Dear Mr Over-Analysis. Thanks for your email. We've met before haven't we? In fact, we've dated. For five years. And after reading your analysis of me, I'm not only surprised you put up with me for five years, but I'm even more surprised you're making contact again. I'm going to go now and hate myself for my pitiful, obvious and occasionally spotty and hairy existence. Thanks for that. Yours, self-deprecatingly.

10 October 2011

From Mr Personal

What's your favourite sex position?

Dear Mr Personal. Thanks for your email. My favourite sex position is about 5,000 miles away from you and that frightening face of yours. What is the matter with your eyes? Have they had an argument? Yours, distantly.

Mr Romantic

er i love you or something!

Dear Mr Romantic. Thanks for your email. Can I have the 'something' please? I'm presuming it's an either / or scenario. Yours, decidedly

From Mr Piss

Genuine guy whoe loves is mouth and face filled with piss looking for meet today. 8 inches of pulsating thick throbbing cock in return. Pissing on me and fucking my mouth a must. Have you got a full bladder and up for it?

Dear Mr Piss. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I think you might have me mistaken - when on my profile I wrote that I liked water sports, I meant I enjoyed partaking in activities such as para sailing and riding on giant inflatable banana boats. I do not partake in urinating on strangers, least of all on those who look like they may have been to school with my mother, taken style tips from Myra Hindley and borrowed Leo Sayer's hair. Besides, you didn't even say please. Rude. Yours, dryly.

From Mr Holland and Barrett

do you have any prunes angel?
if not , how about a date then?

From Mr Holland and Barrett. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I'm not in the market for any dried fruit right now, I'm regular as clockwork and I'd hate to upset the status quo, so to speak. But the next time I'm up shit creek without a laxative, I'll be in touch. Yours regularly.

From Mr Sexist

How many women dies it take to change a light bulb?? Xx

Dear Mr Sexist. Thanks for your email. Ooh, us ladies love a bit of sexism in a potential mate, well done there! Although admittedly all out chauvinism is preferable. I wonder, how many women DOES it take to change a light bulb? Let me guess, none, because their man would do it for them? Brilliant. Hysterical. Well done you. I'll be honest, I'd happily spend the rest of my life in the dark with no light bulbs if it meant I wouldn't have to see your plug ugly mug. Now piss off out of my inbox and go and bandy your misogyny around elsewhere. Yours, feministically.

01 October 2011

From Mr T

You sound like my cup of tea

Dear Mr T. Thanks for your email. I sound like your cup of tea do I? Is that because I'm hot, white and sweet? With a spoon in me? Well, what do you know! It's just a shame for you that I'm not much of a coffee fan...you're far too bitter for me, and that mug doesn't appeal to me at all. Sorry. Yours, thirstily

Mr Tight

would you share your drink with me if i was to take you out

Dear Mr Tight. Thanks for your email. No you can't share my drink you miserly old miser, get your own. Unless, that is, you were planning some sort of roofie-related stunt, in which case sure! You can have my drink! It strikes me that with a face like that you'd probably need some sort of Rohypnol action to get some sort of bedroom action, even with yourself. So go on, knock yourself out, on both counts. Yours, unsedatedly

30 September 2011

From Mr Crafty


I saw your profile and liked it very much.

I really like the fact that you make things - I do a spot of medieval re-enactment, and therefore know a lot of similarly craft-oriented people.

If you have a look at my profile and like it, it'd be really lovely to hear from you

Dear Mr Crafty. Thanks for your email. I make things such as jams, cupcakes and the odd piece of knitwear. I hardly think that equates to hand-stitching tabards, whittling wooden weapons and doing a spot of wattle and daubing do you? The fact that your profile picture looks like the front cover of Monty Python and the Holy Grail without the irony is also similarly disturbing. If Pat Bennatar is right love really is a battlefield, then I'll happily sit in the pub with a glass of wine and a su doku whilst you lot leap around a field in tinfoil and velvet, brandishing cardboard swords calling each other 'knaves' a lot. Yours, medi-evily

From Mr Inquisitive

What's the rudest thing you've ever done to someone?

Dear Mr Inquisitive. Thanks for your email. What's the rudest think I've ever done to someone? Hmm...that's a toughie. I once forgot to pass on an answer machine message to my housemate from a boy who wanted to ask her out, that was pretty rude. I also once pushed in front of a little old lady to get the last seat on the bus, that's also rather rude. Oh, and then I started writing a blog to address all the morons, mingers, miscreants and muppets who think they stand a fighting chance of going on a date with me. Count yourself included. Yours, rudely.

From Mr Artistic

fancy meeting with a stocky painter from Bow? you never know
it might be fun.

Dear Mr Artistic. Thanks for your email. And many thanks for your kind offer but I've already got the painters in. Sorry. Yours, emulsively.

05 September 2011

From Mr Sweet

three things youd take to a dessert island?? Xxx

Dear Mr Sweet. Thanks for your email? The three things I would take to a dessert island would be a napkin, elasticated trousers and big fuck off spoon. Nom nom nom. Yours, puddingly

From Mr Observant

hey, i dunno if anyone has said before,but i noticed something unusual about you!

Dear Mr Observant. Thanks for your email. Let me guess it's my sparkling eyes isn't it? No? Okay, how about my winning smile? Still no? Well, it must luscious plump lips then? No? Well, to be honest I'm scratching my shiny bald scalp in utter bemusement as to what on earth it could be... Yours, alopecially

From Mr Spelling

 Wouldnt av sed u wer 30 from yor pic sweetie.

Dear Mr Spelling. Thanks for your email. Pictures aside, I wouldn't have said you were 32 from your writing either. Are you literally a moron? Yours, literately.

PS. Your village has just rung. They want you back.

From Mr Musician

Hi, I was just wondering if you'd be interested in purchasing a banjo?

Dear Mr Musician. Thanks for your email, and your kind offer to sell me your instrument. I actually already have a banjo thanks, so am not in the market for another one just yet. But perhaps you could help me in finding a replacement string? I snapped my banjo string earlier in the week and it's making it very tricky (and rather painful) to play with. Please let me know. Yours, highly strung

From Mr Cryptic

there`s a hobgoblin in daddies wheelbarrow

Dear Mr Cryptic. Thanks for your email. Thank you for bringing this pressing issue to my attention. I won't lie, it does trouble me to think that there may be some sort of evil mythical being meddling with my father's gardening equipment, so I'll be calling Rentokil pronto to have the little blighter dispatched of quick smart. That is, of course, assuming that your email is factually correct, and not some sort of sinister euphemism making reference to genitals, in which case I suggest you pop down to the clinic and have your little 'situation' looked at. Yours, Encryptedly

From Mr Three

U sound like just the person i associate completely bonkers would be great to get to know you better . So tell me "what are the three best things about you?"

Dear Mr Three. Thanks for your email. What are the best three things about me you say? Well I would have to say my rather fabulous left leg, my even more fabulous right leg, and that utterly fantastic lengthy limb that allows me to prop myself up like a tripod. Drink? Yours, leggily

From Mr rOguE cAPs

Hiiiiii my SWeeT DReam How r u ?????? I happy TO GO oUt ANy My spECIal BaBe .....REply Me..................thanx....

Dear Mr rOguE cAPs. Thanks for your email. And you have the nerve to call me special? Special yourself! Yours, eSpECiaLLy

From Mr Upfront

couldnt be arsed to read your profile but could we meet this weekend so u can give me a blowjob please?

Dear Mr Upfront. Thanks for your email. I'm really sorry that my intricate and thoughtful verbosity on my profile has caused such an assault on your senses that you require immediate oral attention to your genital region. I will, of course, be more than willing to oblige by way of an apology for such an inconvenience, so if you would be so kind as to send me your address, I shall be over first thing Saturday morning brushed, flossed and mouthwashed in preparation to make amends with my mouth. I eagerly await your reply with baited breath. Yours, orally.

PS. I am, of course, joking. Fuck off. Fuck right off. I wouldn't suck yours with someone else's. Anyone else's in fact.

30 May 2011

From Borat

Yikshemesh, ma naam is Borat ind ah looking for a waaf as I haaf onle 2 waafs ind I haaf a big farm with manee manee jobs to finish now!

If you would laak to be ma waaf pls sending me photo ind how many logs can you carry? Yikshemesh.

Dear Borat. Thanks for your email. And thank you for choosing me to be one of your wives. I would most definitely love to come and live with you on your big farm. I am a hard worker, I can carry five logs at one time, I can weave baskets blindfold and I am so good at milking, I can extract the white stuff from any animal including kittens, guinea pigs and baboons. I would most definitely work hard for you and serve you well as your wife. I am sending over three chickens as downpayment on my dowry and will await further instruction. Yours, domesticatedly

PS. You are the real Borat aren't you, off the telly? I'll be ever so disappointed if not...

From Mr Storyteller

I entered a TK Max today. An odd breed of store with a seemingly transparent slogan ‘designer labels for less’, Looking for a deal, I compromised myself. Crossing the threshold of the doorway like an ending to a so-so honeymoon, the street behind me moaned. The cold kisses me goodbye unable to follow, but something new lingered patiently, purposefully; ready to pounce on every new unsuspecting

And there it was, the stench of broken dreams mixed with the ever-popular aroma of fresh cow carcass drapery. A smell so intense, the fragrance of all the thrift-eyed yummy mummy patrons could not muster up the courage to mask. The plaster slowly prying free from its windowless constraints, like a snail heading towards the busy roads unaware of its fate. The neglected floor lies in tatters under foot. Once proud and flawless, Most likely cannot remember the last time its been baptized with the warm caress of soapy goodness, seeping into its pores. The stringy arms of a morbid mop massaging its wrinkles.

Once happy and proud balloons sag under the weight of their purpose in life, to trick people into happiness. A cunning and exploitive ploy to forgo their monetary concerns and deplete their savings for the splendour of a new shiny item of inconsequence. Signs hung mercilessly from the rafters, with overly common typography, swaying gingerly from the stampede invading the floor above. The drone of fifty six mourning worker bees, there for all to hear if you stop and listen closely, collectively sighing from their mistakes in life that got them to this place. Was it the missed lecture that one insignificant Monday after a heavy weekend? Was it something that could not be controlled, written in the fabric of time? Every new prospective customer they sell themselves to is a reminder of what they could have become.

“Five minutes until closing”, a musky voice crackles through the ambient noise over the intercom like a sudden stay of execution being called. The relief shows in the posture of the scurrying servants, ever so slightly more confident in their strides.
A security guard stands proud at the doorway, strength and resolution in his eyes, shooing away the no longer welcome vermin.

I leave, bag clenched in hand content with my purchase, not swayed from the harrowing exhibition on display. Guilt washed away by the feeling of investing in a new part of me for all to behold. The Cold welcomes me back with open arms, rich coffee, freshly baked baguette in the air. Until we meet again, desolate charlatan

Dear Mr Storyteller. Thanks for your email. And your delightfully-crafted little anecdote there. Unfortunately, I'm not a judge for a short story competition, I'm a single lady looking for a date. So I'm afraid your wondersome wordsmithery has gone to waste as all I was after was a 'you're fit, fancy a fajita and a fumble?'. So may I suggest you go back to the storyboard whilst I go back to the drawing board. Oh well. Yours fablelessly

From Mr F Word

fuck me u r fit

Dear Mr F Word. Thanks for your email. Fuck off, you're fat. Yours F-fortlessly.

From Mr Well Endowed

I have a massive cock hhahaha xx

Dear Mr Well Endowed. Thanks for your email. What are the odds, I have a massive cock too! Fancy meeting for idle know chat, willy larks and idle sword play? No? What a shame... Yours donkeyly.

PS. Are you sure you didn't mean to write 'I am a massive cock?'

From Mr Tokens

Who is up for fresh red roses and box of chcolates.

Dear Mr Tokens. Thanks for your email. Me me me I I I!!! 

*raises hand and strains like hopeful schoolchild trying to get teacher's attention* 
I want the red roses!!! 
I want the box of chocolates!!! 
Oh no wait, I'm not a cliche, so on second thoughts no. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, tokenistically

30 April 2011

From Mr Planner

dont make any plans next saturday im taking you out.

Dear Mr Planner. Thanks for your email. Oh, what a shame, your message arrives 5 minutes too late - I've just made an appointment to have my back, crack and sack waxed. But if you didn't mind meeting a little later, I'd definitely be up for that? Call me... 07814 xxx xxx. Yours, hirsutely

07 April 2011

From Mr Walker

Walking on road i imagine your sexy strut causing drivers to lose their attention....
I like

Dear Mr Walker. Thanks for your email. It's true, my stride is a real traffic stopper. However, that normally tends to happen when my false leg gets caught on the kerb and I accidentally leave the limb lying in the road. Having been run over once or twice, the leg  does now lack the full integrity it once had, so a select few say my gait is sexy. However most see it as slightly shambolic. And drivers in East London see it as a speed bump. Yours, limply

From Mr Astute

u not dark but i am

Dear Mr Astute. Thanks for your email. Yes, you are correct, I am not dark, I am white. I am, in fact, the whitest white person in the whole white world. And yes, you are correct, you are dark, because your family originally hail from Africa. I congratulate you in noticing the fundamental difference in the colour of our skins, and wonder exactly of what relevance this observation is? Unless, of course, this is your round-the-houses way of suggesting we duet together on a charity version of Ebony and Ivory, in which case I shall start my vocal warm ups forthwith. Yours, colourblind

From Mr Sex

hello. do u like sex

Dear Mr Sex. Thanks for your message. No, I prefer table tennis. Sorry. Yours, ping pongingly.

From Mr Footie

Fancy meeting up to watch the football?

Dear Mr Footie. Thanks for your email. No, I do not want to watch the football with you, that is what your mates are for, have you not got any mates? Come back to me with a proposition involving eighties chick flicks, a tub of Haagen-Dazs and four litres of cheap Chardonnay and we're still not on. Yours, most definitely offside.

From Mr Generous

i think i will give you some thing 'interesting'

Dear Mr Generous. Thanks for your email. Something 'interesting' eh? How exciting! Let me guess...a round the world yachting ticket? An annual subscription to Basket-weavers Almanac? Chlamydia? Don't answer that...Yours, disinterestedly

From Mr Family Man

Would you say your family is up for a party or are they quite reserved?

Dear Mr Family Man. Thanks for your email. You leave my family out of it, none of them would be interested in someone like you. In fact, come to think of it, neither am I, so go and have a stab at your own family before you come sniffing after mine, you great big pervy relative-wrangler you. Yours, unfamiliarly.

PS. Actually come to think of it, my nan's a bit of a goer, perhaps you should give her a try? She's just had her hips done...

From Mr Claus

Get your coat, you've pulled!

Dear Mr Claus. Thanks for your email. Speaking of pulling, shouldn't you be tending to those reindeer or yours rather than chasing after girls a couple of millienia your junior? Yours, unfestively.

From Mr Exhibitionist

there is no way you are without a man!"? if you are ever at a loose end i say you should get your bum out with me for a fab date?

Dear Mr Exhibitionist. Thanks for your email. Get my bum out on a first date? I would do no such a thing, I'm classy, me. Third date, maybe. And if you play your cards right, by the fifth date I might even get my cock out. Yours, exposingly

From Mr Martian

Hello, I'm Manny the Martian. What's your favourite flavour of bowling ball?

Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.

21 February 2011

From Mr Stalker

Who is the guy behind you in the photo :)

Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. The guy behind me? Oh him! Hang on...it's you...


Yours, disturbedly

From Mr OCD

Hi there , can we arrange a meeting?
I am a healthy, attractive,intelligent,well educated male, well proportioned,slim built( 170cm tall.62kg weight). I am seeking healthy,happy,harmonious, fun relationship, with a compatible female, could that be you?
Health, cleanliness and personal hygiene is of utmost importance to me. I live in London.
If you decided to contact me, please write to me.
Hope to hear from you

Dear Mr OCD. Thanks for your email. You sound textbookedly super, but I'm afraid I tend to err on the bath-dodging side, and I'm not sure you'd appreciate my unique aroma. Although if you'd like to get a rough idea of my personal scent before we meet, you could always pop into your local Boots and have a whiff of Eau Du Pew. Or if they don't have that, try Shh by Jade Goody. Yours, niffily

From Mr Almost

Hi there

I just rejoined the site yesterday and think I remember your name from when I was on here before, but I don't recall if I messaged you or if you replied (probably not!). I think I'd have remembered the bit about the parrots as I know this great parrot joke - but it's too long to type.

Anyway, it would be lovely to chat if my profile makes you smile. You are GORGEOUS. And you sound deliciously random.

PS A burst of honesty - I'm married. Happy to explain and/or send you pics if I'm not ruled out.

Dear Mr Almost. Thanks for your email. Oh, so close, so very close, you almost had me interested if it wasn't for that pesky PS of yours. Tell me, this explanation of yours, I'm assuming it's a good one? And please tell me it involves pictures, presumably of your wife? Would I understand and empathise with your premeditated philandering if I could see what exactly you're married to? I'm sure I would, so please do explain and send pictures and I'm sure we'll get on just fine. Yours, intrepidly

PS A burst of honesty - I'm lying. You're totally ruled out, you perfidious prick.

From Mr Honest

Hey how are you?

I have seen your profile and I thought I would say hi. I am new to all this online searching. I was kind of unsure how to approach you so opted for the simple approach. I hope my message is deemed worthy of a response.

I also hope me being asian is not a problem as I know this can be for some people.

I will also be honest from the outset and let you know I am a serving prisoner and have been for 5 years. I am in an open jail on day releases.

Should you have any questions then please do not hesitate to ask.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Mr Honest. Thanks for your email. I appreciate you being so upfront about your personal situation, there are so many dishonest people online and it's good to know that not everyone is out to deceive you and keep deep dark secrets from you. It's probably time for a little honesty from me too. Please don't take this too personally, but I don't think I could date you. It's nothing to do with you being a convicted criminal doing time or anything like that, I just couldn't go out with someone Asian. But good luck with your search, I'm sure the right lady is just a phone call and a bail cheque away. Yours, sincerely

From Mr Optimistic

Hi ya, im mr optimistic...please dont judge just on my pics....im the nicest guy you will meet x

Dear Mr Optimistic. Thanks for your email. Don't just you by your photos you say? Well that's exactly the sort of thing an obese, bug-eyed, balding bog-beast would say, isn't it?


Yours, taxi???

From Mr Lover

You’re mental i think i'm in love!

Dear Mr Lover. Thanks for your email. You're in love? You're mental. Yours, sanely.

From Mr Tentative

hello there!

Ive just returned to this site and saw your profile, your gorgeous! I know you'll be inundated with messages but thought Id try and get your attention and hopefully a reply!

Apologies for not having anything on my profile, guess I should fill it all in again. Im surprised they hadnt deleted my account, been over a year! Hows it going on here for you?

I left because of all the weirdos so just wanted to check that your not one of them! Any axe murdering history i should be aware of? lol Bunny boiler? Oh i know, worst of the lot..... anorak trainspotter?!! Hope not!!

Hopefully Ill hear from you soon


Dear Mr Tentative. Thanks for your email. Don't worry, I'm no axe-wielding, bunny-boiling, anorak-wearing trainspotter, I know there are a heck of a lot of freaks out there on the internet, but I'd like to assure you I'm nothing of the sort. I'd love to meet you for a drink if you're still interested and not too disappointed? Let me know. Yours, a pistol-toting, guinea-pig butchering, cagoule-sporting tram-watcher

From Mr Concerned

So, do you think size is something men should really be worrying about?

Dear Mr Concerned. Thanks for your email. Yes, size is definitely something men should be worrying about. If it's height they're fretting about, no woman likes to date a man who could pass as her child or her pet. If it's car size they're stressing about, no woman likes to have a baked bean tin for a chariot. If it's penis size they're concerned about, no woman likes to feel like the Royal Albert Hall is being swept out using a dustpan and brush. I hope that's made you feel better. Please do feel free to run your measurements by me any time, just as long as they're extraordinarily impressive. Yours, seismically.

From Mr Monosyllabic

thats all I can say hun..........

Dear My Monosyllabic. Thanks for your email. Well, if 'wow' is as much conversation as you can muster up, then I don't think our dialogue is going to go very well, if anywhere at all, is it? So how about I let you conserve those vital syllables for someone who'll reciprocate in similarly monophonological fashion, and I'll keep my lengthy confabulations to myself. Or, to translate to your linguistic level, thanks but no thanks. Yours, polysyllabically

From Mr X-Rated 2

How are you?

Here is something for you to read while you complete your profile. I would love to know how it makes you feel? If you like it perhaps I can write a scenario that you suggest?

And there I was on his bed on my hands and knees facing the full length wardrobe mirrors, naked.

Before I got into that position, I had arrived at his place expecting him to want to fuck me there and then, but instead we had a shower. He took great care in washing me everywhere, except my freshly waxed pussy which he ignored completely. He finally started massaging my bottom, before gently rubbing my anus. His hands were completely covered in soap, so when his finger started easing it's way into my anus, it slid in quite easily. He only slid it in a short way, before waiting for me to relax. When I did, he eased his finger all the way in, probably using his index finger as he would want to be as far inside me as possible. He held me from the front with his arm across just below my breasts, so I really couldn't move while his finger was inside me. Again he waited for me to relax, before he started gently fucking my bottom with his finger. While I was waiting for him to start with his finger I realised that he was really turned on as I felt him pressing his erection against me, even in a hot shower it felt hot.

And then I could feel the wetness in my pussy, and he started breathing slightly faster as his finger started fucking my bottom. It felt rather good having my bottom explored like this. Then surprisingly he withdrew his finger, spread my legs as wide as he could and then I felt his cock open the lips of my pussy and just slide straight in. God that felt good, first my bottom slightly filled, and then feeling his heat inside whilst standing up, heavenly. He stood there for a while taking in the feeling of my wet pussy, sliding soapy hands over my breasts and hard nipples before finding my clit that had be starved of any touch whilst he washed me. After him first stroking and then gently rubbing my clit I came, almost falling over, but he held me with his arms, and also his hard cock still inside me. I felt my pussy grip his cock as the waves of pleasure rushed over me and felt his breathing harder on my cheek, before I felt his cock slide out, almost all the way out still holding me tightly pressed against him, before he slid himself all the way inside me in a really hard thrust and a groan of pleasure.

He continued to thrust, and it didn't take long before I felt him shuddering and his cum exploding inside me, before he finally rammed his cock all the way in and held it there still shuddering, and still holding me tightly pressed against his body. I could feel his heart rapidly beating against my back, and his breathing fast against my cheek. I felt his hands wander down to where the lips of my pussy were stretched around his cock, and he stroked them gently while his cock slowly softened. Eventually his cock softened and slipped out, unfortunately with a bit of his cum too. It was my turn to wash him, so I turned the shower off so I could clean his cock and taste my pussy and his cum, making sure I pulled his foreskin back and licked under there too. I then turned the shower back on and soaped him all over and made sure we were both rinsed before getting out the shower. He dried me off, and then told me to get onto his bed on my hands and knees facing the mirror.

My pussy was wet from being turned on, and sticky from his cum, and I knew that he was going after my bottom next.

Dad. As pleased as I am you've sorted your spelling out since your last email, I'm not entirely convinced this is the sort of reading material you should be sending me. Does mum know you like to imagine yourself as a woman? Hmm...thought not...

05 January 2011

From Dr Psych

You sound messed up as well as a unique gorgeous young lady.
Get back to me,it would be really nice to chat ????

Dear Dr Psych. Thanks for your email. Messed up you say? Thanks! You're my sodding therapist! Surely there's some patient-doctor code you're breaking by contacting me through a dating site? I may be messed up, but that's why I pay you an arm and a leg and a small portion of soul an hour for your professional un-messing. You're clearly not very good at your job, as you've spotted the continued messing through the veils of cyberspace. I will not be seeking your professional advice any longer. Goodbye. Yours, messily.

PS. Fancy a drink? Call me.

From Mr Electra

Hello, Hope you are well? I am Mr Electra from SE London and I am looking for someone special. I am looking for a very a naughty daddys girl who enjoys taboo fun lifestyle. I am extremely broadminded and anything goes with me, If you are submissive and enjoy being submissive then I can be dominant and push your limits and boundaries. I like to enjoy the daddy daughter relationship but punish you as and when I need to
I am looking to chat on and off line but also looking to meet hopefully on a regular basis for naughty fun. I can accommodate and I can travel if needs be xx

Dear Mr Electra. Thanks for your email. I have to say that fictional incest isn't part of my romantic repartee, it just makes me feel icky. Especially since you are exactly the same age as my dad, only nowhere near as handsome. Nowhere near. Because my dad is fit. Mmm. Sorry to disappoint you. Yours, complexly

From Mr Ex Husband

God you are funny.... Pretty too. Check out my profile and maybe mail me back if you like what you see. x

Dear Mr Ex Husband. Thanks for your email. I've just checked out your profile, and given you admit to your ex wife kicking you out of the house three times in your write up, I have to confess that has put me off somewhat. It has nothing to do with the fact that in your 'three things to do before I die' section you have listed skydiving, meet the Queen and receive a blow job. I'm presuming you have no intention of combining the three. Hmm. No thanks. Yours, exily

From Mr Cheapskate

@--->--- flower for you

Dear Mr Cheapskate. Thanks for your email. That's not a real flower, that's an at sign, followed by three hyphens, a greater than sign and three more hyphens you tight wad. Now go out and buy me a fucking rose and then we can talk. Yours, florally

04 January 2011

From Mr Teen

hi i was wondering if you would be in having sex with me as it will be my first time?

Dear Mr Teen. Thanks for your email. You are 14 years old. No. Seriously. No. Just to emphasise my point, you are less than half my age, a good couple of years under the age of consent, and even more poignantly, you weren't alive for the great Blur-Oasis Britpop battle, Jarvis Cocker thwarting Jacko's BRIT's performance and the release of Toy Story 1. Yes, Toy Story 1, it may shock you to know there were two more Toy Story films before the current one. Shouldn't you be poking people on Facebook rather than looking for your first poke online? Please do me a favour and stick to the XBox with your mates rather than looking for sex on dating sites. Yours, adultly

PS. If that fails, why don't you try saving up your pocket money and hiring a hooker? Just a thought...

From Mr Disinterested

I want to know you ache for ,and if you dare or dream of meeting

Your heart,s longing.

It doesn,t interest me how old you are

I want to know if you will risking looking like a fool for love,fordream,for

The adventure of being alive

It doesn,t interest me what planets are squaring your moon

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,if

You have been opened by life betrayals or have become shiveled and closed

For fear or futher pain!i want to know if you can sit with pain,mine

Or your own,without movingto hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want know if you can be with joy,mine ,or your own.

If you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tip of your

Fingers,and toes without cautioningus to be carful.be realistic,or remember the

Limitation of being a human.

It doesn't,t interest me if the story you,re telling me is true

I want to if can disappoint another to be true to yourself,

If yes

Can bear the accusation of betray and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even if is not pretty everyday

and if you can source your life from god,s presence.i want to know

If you can live with failure,yours and mine,and still stand on the edge of

A lake and shout to the moon”yes”!!!!!

It doesn't,t interest me where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can getup after a night of grief and despair

Weary,bruised to the bone,and do what need to be done for the children

It doesn't,t interest me who you are,how you come to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me

And not shrink back.

It not interest me where or which whom you have studied

I want know what sustain you from inside,when all else

Falls away

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself ,and truly

Like the company you keep in the empty moment….

Dear Mr Disinterested. Thanks for your email. If I'm looking at your email in percentages, I would say the vast majority points to the fact that not an awful lot about me piques your curiousity in the slightest, and your missive is quite frankly half apathetic, half abstruse, but on the whole totally half-baked. I am less flattered than I am utterly flummoxed. I think you may need to lay off the narcotics my unfathomable friend, and perhaps stick to the old 'hello, how are you?' style messages from hereon in. Yours, disenchantedly

From Mr Romantic

It's not who you are to the world, it's who you are to me. It's not how many times I say I love you... it's how much I really do.

Dear Mr Romantic. Thanks for your email. Er, who the dickens are you? Seriously? Well, I'll tell you who I am. To the world, I am a single girl looking for a single boy for love, laughs and possibly a lifetime. To you, however, I am the girl that was ever so slightly repulsed by your vomit-inducing copy and paste attempt at wooing a total stranger that she sends a bilious attempt at a response, before getting even more bilious in the bathroom. Yours, nauseously

From Mr Friend

Hi very interesting profile well I'm an asian male from herts online for a chat and friendship. Hope you had a great Xmas and a new year. I am not single and joined this line only for friendship so if that makes you run a mile I understand if not be great to chat

Dear Mr Friend. Thanks for your email. Oh you're only after after friendship? What a shame, here's me thinking you had joined a romantically-titled dating site in the hope of finding that someone special to spend the rest of your life with, not a friend just go for coffee with, watch the football and most probably whinge about your girlfriend. How very disappointing. Unless maybe you think that becoming friends with someone on a dating site might 'accidentally' evolve into something romantic, thereby replacing your current partner with a better model without the interim barren sexless wasteland of singledom, in some devious overlapping test drive process? And of course the fact that you've covered your back in your initial email by saying you're only after friendship totally absolves you of the fact you're potentially a scheming cheating bastard? A stroke of genius, no doubt, and I'm sure when you find a new 'friend' that you'd rather hop into bed with, that poor sap who current thinks you're her devoted boyfriend will totally understand, as it was a total accident. Pull the other one, it's got bells on. Yours, unfriendily

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates