30 September 2011

From Mr Crafty


I saw your profile and liked it very much.

I really like the fact that you make things - I do a spot of medieval re-enactment, and therefore know a lot of similarly craft-oriented people.

If you have a look at my profile and like it, it'd be really lovely to hear from you

Dear Mr Crafty. Thanks for your email. I make things such as jams, cupcakes and the odd piece of knitwear. I hardly think that equates to hand-stitching tabards, whittling wooden weapons and doing a spot of wattle and daubing do you? The fact that your profile picture looks like the front cover of Monty Python and the Holy Grail without the irony is also similarly disturbing. If Pat Bennatar is right love really is a battlefield, then I'll happily sit in the pub with a glass of wine and a su doku whilst you lot leap around a field in tinfoil and velvet, brandishing cardboard swords calling each other 'knaves' a lot. Yours, medi-evily

From Mr Inquisitive

What's the rudest thing you've ever done to someone?

Dear Mr Inquisitive. Thanks for your email. What's the rudest think I've ever done to someone? Hmm...that's a toughie. I once forgot to pass on an answer machine message to my housemate from a boy who wanted to ask her out, that was pretty rude. I also once pushed in front of a little old lady to get the last seat on the bus, that's also rather rude. Oh, and then I started writing a blog to address all the morons, mingers, miscreants and muppets who think they stand a fighting chance of going on a date with me. Count yourself included. Yours, rudely.

From Mr Artistic

fancy meeting with a stocky painter from Bow? you never know
it might be fun.

Dear Mr Artistic. Thanks for your email. And many thanks for your kind offer but I've already got the painters in. Sorry. Yours, emulsively.

05 September 2011

From Mr Sweet

three things youd take to a dessert island?? Xxx

Dear Mr Sweet. Thanks for your email? The three things I would take to a dessert island would be a napkin, elasticated trousers and big fuck off spoon. Nom nom nom. Yours, puddingly

From Mr Observant

hey, i dunno if anyone has said before,but i noticed something unusual about you!

Dear Mr Observant. Thanks for your email. Let me guess it's my sparkling eyes isn't it? No? Okay, how about my winning smile? Still no? Well, it must luscious plump lips then? No? Well, to be honest I'm scratching my shiny bald scalp in utter bemusement as to what on earth it could be... Yours, alopecially

From Mr Spelling

 Wouldnt av sed u wer 30 from yor pic sweetie.

Dear Mr Spelling. Thanks for your email. Pictures aside, I wouldn't have said you were 32 from your writing either. Are you literally a moron? Yours, literately.

PS. Your village has just rung. They want you back.

From Mr Musician

Hi, I was just wondering if you'd be interested in purchasing a banjo?

Dear Mr Musician. Thanks for your email, and your kind offer to sell me your instrument. I actually already have a banjo thanks, so am not in the market for another one just yet. But perhaps you could help me in finding a replacement string? I snapped my banjo string earlier in the week and it's making it very tricky (and rather painful) to play with. Please let me know. Yours, highly strung

From Mr Cryptic

there`s a hobgoblin in daddies wheelbarrow

Dear Mr Cryptic. Thanks for your email. Thank you for bringing this pressing issue to my attention. I won't lie, it does trouble me to think that there may be some sort of evil mythical being meddling with my father's gardening equipment, so I'll be calling Rentokil pronto to have the little blighter dispatched of quick smart. That is, of course, assuming that your email is factually correct, and not some sort of sinister euphemism making reference to genitals, in which case I suggest you pop down to the clinic and have your little 'situation' looked at. Yours, Encryptedly

From Mr Three

U sound like just the person i associate completely bonkers would be great to get to know you better . So tell me "what are the three best things about you?"

Dear Mr Three. Thanks for your email. What are the best three things about me you say? Well I would have to say my rather fabulous left leg, my even more fabulous right leg, and that utterly fantastic lengthy limb that allows me to prop myself up like a tripod. Drink? Yours, leggily

From Mr rOguE cAPs

Hiiiiii my SWeeT DReam How r u ?????? I happy TO GO oUt ANy My spECIal BaBe .....REply Me..................thanx....

Dear Mr rOguE cAPs. Thanks for your email. And you have the nerve to call me special? Special yourself! Yours, eSpECiaLLy

From Mr Upfront

couldnt be arsed to read your profile but could we meet this weekend so u can give me a blowjob please?

Dear Mr Upfront. Thanks for your email. I'm really sorry that my intricate and thoughtful verbosity on my profile has caused such an assault on your senses that you require immediate oral attention to your genital region. I will, of course, be more than willing to oblige by way of an apology for such an inconvenience, so if you would be so kind as to send me your address, I shall be over first thing Saturday morning brushed, flossed and mouthwashed in preparation to make amends with my mouth. I eagerly await your reply with baited breath. Yours, orally.

PS. I am, of course, joking. Fuck off. Fuck right off. I wouldn't suck yours with someone else's. Anyone else's in fact.

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