27 October 2010

Mr Reversible

U sound like a looney n luk like a 18 yr old

Dear Mr Reversible. Thanks for your email. Funny that, you look like a loony and sound like an 18 year old. I don't think we're compatible, sorry. Yours, irreversibly

From Mr Potty

What can you pot other than plants? Or am I being a bit thick?

Dear Mr Potty. Thanks for your email. Hmm, good question. Here are some things I believe you can pot:

Snooker balls

Electronics (thanks Wikipedia)

Has that answered your question? Is there anything else I can help you with before you potter off? A date maybe? Oh, okay then, sorry, my mistake. Yours, most pot off

From Mr Wrestler

i can do it like the rock!!! wwe superstar!

Dear Mr Wrestler. Thanks for your email. You can 'do it' like The Rock can you? What, cold, hard, heavy and grey? No thanks. Yours, stonily.

From Mr Straightforward

Hi there, how r u? My name is Alex, nice to meet u? I'm a straightforward person. I'm married, but looking for someone to have sex with on the side.
Let me know if u're interested 07538 *** ***

Take care. Mr Straightforward xxxx

Dear Mr Straightforward. Thanks for your email. I am also a straightforward person. Fuck off. I do not want to have anything remotely to do with someone who's clearly trawling the internet for someone to shag behind their poor ignorant wife's back, let alone physically exchange a modicum of bodily fluid with them. I hope your vile philandering antics are rewarded in full with a big stack of divorce papers and a raging case of cock rot. Yours, brutally and honestly

From Mr Big Stuff

Well..well...well...helloooooooooo gorgeous personage !!

I probably don't qualify... but what the hell.. after all... faint heart ne'er won fair doo dah..
Too late I'll warrant... ah well...
I suspect that this email lies somewhere between No 846 and 961... nevertheless....
I was marginally intrigued (and amused ) by your most charming and inviting profile. A kindred spirit indeed !!!
So much so that I was forcibly dragged to the computer to put pen to paper, so to speak !!!!!
I have just joined this website. Thank goodness !!... How else would I have met you...!!. However I’m still not too sure about chatting attractive (as I see that that you are)females using this email malarky !!!

Anyway a bit about me :
I am a very rich 50 (damn curse and blast!) year old bad boy living in London.

Why do I need to tell you that I am rich ? Is it really necessary ? And, pray, why am I a bad boy ?
I’m sure that a prompt receipt of a missive from your good self will elicit from me the answers to these life enhancing questions............and more ........!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the reason my profile is somewhat sparse with no current photo, is because I am well known in certain parts of the West End of London and I do need to protect my identity. I would be happy to send you my photos, now that I have established I don’t already know you !!!

I am well aware that I am not as young as you would like... but nevertheless I am highly experienced sexually, ( and I am sure you are well aware that any man who claims this tends to be wholly inadequate..so there !!), and have very many attributes.. so if you would care to further explore this delicate contact.. I would of course be delighted...ta !!

Kindest Regards
Mr Big Stuff ..

P.S. I just lurrve exclamation marks !!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr Big Stuff. Thanks for your email. So you're 50 years old and brag-worthily rich - well done you, is one supposed to cancel out the other in the mind of male-daters? Well what redeeming characteristic can you boast about to compensate for your frightening adoration for certain forms of punctuation? What also concerns me slightly is how famous (or infamous) you may be around the West End - and by my powers of deduction you are either the old guy in Les Miserables, the old guy in Oliver! or one of the old guys in Waiting For Godot. In any case, consider this one fair doo-dah you've not won. Sorry. Yours, confuddledly

24 October 2010

From Mr Diatribe

I'm 27 years old, with different origins,
searching for a potential life partner .. . I'm
originally from madeira ( a portuguese island )
& tunisia. Dad's tunisian & mom's from madeira.
My parents met in uk where i've born &
i left england when i was 1 year old .. . then lived
in france till today. I'm not a present physically
& you will always find better elsewhere, but
appearances are superfluous & unsubstantial
in life. Bodies are subjected to decomposition
as time passes by, and only our soul & memories
remain .. . Gainsbourg: "Unattractiveness has that
something superior to the beauty, It lasts .. ."
When you've understood that, you also try
not to impose yourself frustrating vain
restrictions & your life becomes more
profitable. Also, it costs me nothing
to send you a letter :) absolutely nothing .. .
Well, i've never really worked till today,
because i had the oportunity to be supported
for a long time by parents who are living
in a detached house actually & other family
members, but also because when you live
on your own, you have less financial needs
and responsibilities. They've lent me their
old apartment. I've never got to work because
there wasn't any good reason in my life to do it,
& also because i've wasted a lot of time
being focused on music, or spending nights
with receptionist friends, in local hotels of paris.
With emptyness, spiritually lost i've never took
the time to look for a life partner, my second half,
cause i was absorbed by musical composition &
i lost my time with it, in deep depression, not
knowing that i was avoiding a normal life with
constant affection & passion. But my family's
big here, so i will always find a place in any
administration, or i can always find a place
in a warehouse to package anything. I've
never been worried about it, & i can get that
right away, if i see that we both can make the
difference over this big place, called earth .. .
The problem was that i've denied the fact that
music couldn't be a benefit, professionally,
even though i've never really faced decisive
deceptions in that domain. But i've neglected
the fact that there could be no garanty, in a
predifined time, moreover, with laxism. That's why,
i want to first, start to make my life, get a stupid job
& work all nights in that project, until i finally &
eventually, get a contract in that domain. Cause
that's what i always wanted to succeed with,
in my life. I want to get involved in a serious
relationship, cause today, i'm 27 years old,
& i forgot to live with too much interest i gave
to composition of music & reverie. I've never
went to a concervatory &started in a self-taught
way. That's why it takes a while to arrange
any melodies .. . That's one of my main
difficulties in it, but apart from that &
as long as i don't know today, if i'll ever
get a contract as a composer because of my
morbid laxism .. . I just want to have a basic
& normal life with a woman i'd love with
passional instinct & never complacent love,
or social conformism, & have my awn family.
My interests in composition are related to
soundtracks. & i like any kind of music that
has a valuable melody or arrangment, the
opposite of "vain noise" .. . I dont know
wich language you speak, but we might
communicate in english, or in french ... .
I speak french, english, portuguese, &
spanish because of my origins :) I have a
brother who's 19 years old & who has his
own private life. We're very private, he has
his life, i have mine. I'm not very communicative
with the family cause i like my privacy & want
to stay in my world .. . Invasive family endlessly
reminds you parental tutelage & locks you in
a restrictive environment of life. School was never
important to me, cause in fact .. . even if
i became a book keeper, it would have never
been a pride to make studies & do that kind
of job in the end. I started to study that
before, but when i saw the counting plan
 the teacher said, you see this plan ?
well you will have to know almost every
count of it (almost 50 000 references )
at the end of the 2 years .. . I said all right,
i'm not a machine, many thanks but that's
not for me )) I was 18 years old, & that's
where i started to become interestd
in musical composition until today.
So if we got along together, i'd get a first
job just to have our own life & privacy &
still keep working at nights with my other
project. Do you understand that, in france,
you wouldn't have the same qualifications,
& your studies in your country like your
language barrier wouldn't help you to get
a decent job ? I wouldn't want you to have
a dirty job for reasons of financial obsessions.
If we got along together, i wouldn't ever
want it for my woman .. . I wanted to find
my future bride abroad because women of
western europe are too materialist, superficial,
infantile idealists and conformist in general.
But i also love the way some foreign languages
sound, even when i don't understand a word,
i'm interested in the differences of my future
partner. I would be pleased to kiss your neck,
hands and other parts during our intimate
moments of life while listening to you telling
me words in your native language. I'd find that
cute, because my awn languages bore me ))
And it's like a rebirth if i had a woman
speaking another language than the old usual
ones i ever known and spoken. It's like a child
discovering life, a new world, a new speech,
a new vocabulary. I would also like to kiss,
love & caress your feet, all life long .. .
In fact i don't consider myself as a
fetishist. If other people consider that
as fetishism, then they take it like something
useless & derisory .. . That social garbage
who keeps trying to ostracize simple & vital
acts of life for modern literature or the medias,
restricts our physical devotion in the act of love.
"Simplistic hole fillers" .. . I love candid women's
feet, & you should know that if their perfume's
not exciting to you, the effect is totally different
on me. & that's naturally because your body's oils
liberate pheromones which excites me with subtlety,
& you can't get excited by your awn sexual
hormones .. . I find it beautiful to take care
of your woman's feet when you're deeply
involved in a relationship. Women should be
kissed and consumed from head to feet, &
sexuality should always be an art, reviewed
and rediscovered in permanence to entertain
our passion. Your feet are also very sensitive,
one of the most sensitive parts of your body,
nervously connected to your whole organs &
involving great feelings of relaxation, & attention
to them can indirectly prevent some diseases.
By kissing and adoring them and feel excited
by the erogenic part of your feet, i can transmit
with my aura, my most intimate affection and
deepest love to your spirit through those slight
kisses, caresses or intense & tender chomps .. .
Do you think you can send me a close-up
picture of your feet ? please try to send that
but keep in mind that it's accessory, as long as
i may eventually have them in our conjugal life,
my heart. Reply to this letter frankly if you feel
psychologically ready to live in couple and
conceive a family with a man abroad in your
actual life, Only. You have to feel ready for that
because i am not seeking basic schoolyard friendship
or aimless virtual boredom & inconsistent internet
flirting. I am tired of vanity in life and don't want
to spoil my lifetime uselessly anymore .. . Life
has no secrets for anyone, if you show antipathy
& negativity, you will always get the same
in return, and if you show affection and
human grace, you might be loved in return.
We can learn and we have all life to know
each other if you assume your intentions
with responsibility; by accepting my porposal.
& you won't ever be able to pretend to love
me because you have experienced life with
me and know the name of my parents or
jackets, cause love is a human desire,
a pure & natural instinct. People who are able
to love have their hearts fulfilled with love.
Love has different steps but if you have a
gracious soul, you will open it without any
deals of any nature. In that case, if you really
want to experience the vital joys of life like me,
more than ever, we should join ourselves
but you have to make your awn efforts,
& also, take your trip in charge & make
some economies. I wouldn't do it because
in life, you give & take. And i'll be the one
supporting you for the rest of my life, in the
name of our love. Also because anyone who
is not a relative or professional, can do what
he wants with the money of another stranger,
& discussing the subject is out of question.
Being a born woman, doesn't grant you any
merits, like being a born man, cause we've done
nothing for that. As i told you, your studies of
any kind won't ever be useful abroad unless
you've studied languages & have high
qualifications, but if you do or do not have
a job here, it's not a real problem, cause
you can be a homebody and wife at the
same time, and if i don't have the time
to do it because of my professional
occupations, you can do it cause in both
cases, we'd both be facing common difficulties
of our social life. But that doesn't imply an
obsessive involvement & strict hours, you'd
just be doing it to help your hubby in
a generous way, in the name of our love.
& trust me, i'd rather do homeworks than
be outdoors all day long freezing or facing
bad characters in some particular cases ))
A lot of women like to stay at home, & it's
a privilege when others realise that their frenetic
desire of freedom led them to a hard life,
waking up every mornings under the pounding
sun or rain. & jobs are substantial, but never
a pleasure, or a glory in life. You, me and our
eventual baby might be the glory of our existence
on earth. We all live in our intimate life & work
is a transitory moment of our life's joys, that are
more interesting and essential. Knowing that
the immigration services are always annoying,
the conception of a baby would officialize
our union in better terms, which will oblige
the authorities to grant you a right of residence
in a shorter period as usual. It will allow us
to face less administrative vain difficulties.
And there is nothing wrong with it as long as
we both want it in our hearts. We could go
back to your country once every two years
to see your relatives during holidays which
is natural. If you're really ready to live your life
with me, i should advise you to take a stagecoach
in direction to Paris, in the case you live in the same
continent, cause planes are expensive. Reply me,
if you accept my proposal, in your actual life, only .. .
Telling me when approximatively, you would be
disposed to join me abroad, & we could exchange
some regular chat sessions before your departure
to become more familiar & intimate. My letter isn't
an invite to share aimless virtual boredom with vanity.
My letter isn't literature. My letter isn't a virtual
intimate journal, either. But a serious proposal for
a serious union & if an indirect reply or aimless
comment is sent to me, it might be left unanswered.
Replies started with infantile negativism &
inconsistent clownish mockery will be zapped
& automatically filtered as well (this is a warning
for immature & aimless time killers) .. . I send you
warm kisses to your lovely hands, chest, navel,
lil nose, ears, forehead, & to your candid
& lovely soles,


Mr Diatribe,

With a deep & sincere affection.

Ps: Reply back if interested in my proposal
of commitment abroad with me in Paris
in your actual life, only.

Dear Mr Diatribe. Thanks for your email. I'm terribly sorry, you lost me at 'bodies are subjected to decomposition' and I woke up around 'Replies started with infantile negativism and inconsistent clownish mockery'. I sense there's some sort of irony there. But whatever happened in the interim, I'm afraid I don't have a clue what you were on about. I am vaguely aware that there's something in there about foot fetishism, but I may have just sleep-read that, or I'm trying to ignore it. I am also trying to ignore the detail you've gone to to try and get me to join you in your home country, and how having a baby together would put the kibosh on the 'annoying' immigration authorities. Either way, I'm so utterly fatigued by your entire spiel that I'm going to have to have a lie down now. Sorry. Good luck, I'm sure your email of epic and frightening proportions will some day bag you a women with her own feet who harbours a strong desire to leave her own country to shack up and drop sprogs with a virtual stranger. But not me. Not today. Not ever. Yours, exhaustedly

From Mr New Town

Im loanly in new town, pls help

Dear Mr New Town. Thanks for your email. Here's a suggestion - move. Yours, locally

From Mr Persistent 4

hellow babes what happign i

Dear Mr Persistent. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once, although technically, this is the fourth time I'm having to tell you this, and you're lucky I've not hunted you down and bludgeoned you to death with your own computer:


Yours, for the very last time.

From Mr Persistent 3

I love u

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email, your third one in an hour in fact. I am still not going to call you, and telling me that you love me will only make me more adament that I am not going to call you. Ever. Stop emailing me and go away. Yours irritatedly

From Mr Persistent 2

Call me on 07814 *** ***

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email. Again. As I said before, even when I didn't have your number, I wouldn't call. Now, I actually have your number, I will still not be using it. Don't watch your phone now. Yours, mutely

From Mr Persistent

if u wnat give me call now wait u

Dear Mr Persistent. Thanks for your email. Don't bother waiting for me to call, I wouldn't even if I did have your telephone number, because your profile is frightening, if nothing else. Yours, silently

From Monsieur le France

comment tu vas? ton profil m'intéresse, est ce qu'on peut se connaître si possible? j'espère que je te dérange pas!

Cher Monsieur le France. Merci pour votre e-mail. Vous m'avez dérangé, et être parfaitement honnête avec vous je suis totalement outragé par ceci. Vous n'avez pas ennuyé clairement pour trouver n'importe quoi personnel de mon profil pour pour me demander, donc je soupçonne vous êtes quelqu'un qui utilise juste la fonction de coupure et pâte sur votre ordinateur. Vous n'avez pas ennuyé même pour monter une photographie de vous, donc quant à je vous pourriez avoir l'air de la fin arrière d'un cheval. Combiné avec le fait que vous habitez en France, qui est à peine pratique pour une affaire d'amour naissante quand j'habite en Londres, et vous avez un non-partant complet dans les termes de relation. Désolé.

Le vôtre, anglaisment.

PS. Désolé, je ne parle pas en fait du français, mais je suis génie avec les traducteurs en ligne.

From Mr TV

Hi! :) U look amazing i would love to get to know u better! :) I'm a transvestite but hopely that don't bother u? I'm living right now in Finland but thinking to move in UK, when i get a change for that :) Hopely i hear something back from u :)

Dear Mr TV. Thanks for your email. And, of course, for your honesty regarding your private life. I don't have anything against transvestites, per se, I think they're cracking - you can share make up tips, swap wardrobes, and still there's a little manly bit left over for when the cosmetic and clothing larks stop, and that special time starts. However, sadly I don't think I could ever go out with you, the main reason being your profile pictures show you as your female alter ego and...well... you're HOT! There's no way on God's earth am I going out with someone who wasn't born a woman, but makes a much better looking one than I do. Sorry. Yours, gynaecologically

21 October 2010

From Mr X-Rated

hey gawjus any plans this weekend? I love to be n8ty with U. I wld like to take you for a nice meal, and we can catch our fav movie and make passionate love like u neva had it before. In bed i like to take it eazy with long forelplay, with body to body massage, playin with fruit, lickin ur body from ur neck to ur pussy. then fckin u hard in different postions and places, on da bed, floor, couch, shower, etc etc. Blind fold u, teeze you with ice, tie ur hands against the bed, do 69, then fck u hard in doggy style while spankin that juicy ass, pullin on ur gawjus hair, while u scream in exatasy! I must add i enjoy sex and are very adventuress in bed and like to fck for over 2 or 3 hours and rite now i'm feelin horny i wish u were here with me so that we cld really get it on.. my dicks so excited rite now its drippin in pre cum, i wish u were with me to lick it and suck it hard bby!! Feel free to text me on 07956 *** ***, we can get it on bby ;)

Dad??? Bloody hell, your spelling is terrible...

From Mr Temptation

If I offer you a hot alternative to watching tv, what’ll be your choice?

Dear Mr Temptation. Thank for your email. Ooh, a hot alternative to television you say? Now there's an offer a girl can't refuse! I'd love a mug of Horlicks thanks. Be a darl and put the kettle on and grab my slippers for me, there's a good boy. Yours, toastily

20 October 2010

From Mr Ex

Following a meticulously succinct impression of your profile, I felt it appropriate to tell you I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the magnificent fantasy memories... you will forever have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

Mr Ex

ps. You can keep the mansion in Mauritius but, I am going to need half our money according to our prenup

Dear Mr Ex. Thanks for your email, it was nice to hear from you rather than your lawyer. However, I think you'll find, if you read the small print in our marital contract, that your many recorded 'minor acts of indiscretion', for example your videotaped dalliances with four underage boys at a bukkake party when you were on 'that' business trip in Tokyo and a photograph featuring yourself and a Shetland pony 'in flagrante', render our nuptials null and void. Ergo, I'll keep the keys to the mansion thank you very much, as well as the keys to your small fleet of Italian motors, your penthouse in NYC and your mistresses flat in Marylebone (yes, I know about her too, the poor daft bint). I also look forward to receiving half of your future salary, to which I am now fully entitled, from now until the day you shamefully shuffle off this mortal coil. Which I hope is in fifty years time, so I can rinse your rancid keyster for all it's worth, you silly silly boy. So to summise, in the words of the most famous -blonde-twin-brother-duo-plus-token-bassist-mate of the eighties, I owe you nothing. Nothing at all. Yours smugly

From Mr Curt

hi Doing

Dear Mr Curt. Thanks for your email. My name is not Doing, you moron. It's Per-twang. Prick. Yours, offendedly.

From Mr Insane

hi, i want to be my friend

Dear Mr Insane. Thanks for your email. You want to be your own friend eh? I certainly wouldn't, you look like a nutjob. Good luck with that. Yours, sanely

From Mr Fin

will you want to marry me?

Dear Mr Fin. Thanks for your email. And your proposal of marriage. I'm afraid I shall have to gracefully decline, for a couple of reasons:

1. You live in Finland. That's bloody miles away.

2. Your username is Breakwind. Either you think that name would appeal to your dream date, which is most definitely an overriding concern, or it's your real surname. And in that case, I pity the future Mrs Breakwind, whoever she may be. But she won't be me.

Anyway, I'd best blow off now. I mean, BE off. Yours, un-gustily

From Mr Defeatist

Well i don't know what to say that will get you intrested as i don't know what your intrests are, so i'm stuffed aren't i!

Dear Mr Defeatist. Thanks for your email. I would have hoped someone with a modicum of grey matter who wanted to spark up some sort of flirty banter with me but not sure how to get my attention might cast a speculatively wide net out there to elicit some sort of response. For example:

Hey, saw your profile, what sort of music do you like?
Are you reading anything good at the moment?
Are you up to anything nice this weekend?
What are your critical thoughts on the cinematic works of Aronofsky, Cronenberg and the Cohen Brothers?

Hardly rocket science is it? But not for you. Guess you weren't that interested then.
Oh well. And yes, that is interested with three Es. Just a thought. Yours, disinterestedly.

From Mr Misdirection


I hope you are well?

Please forgive me for being forward but my name is David and I live in the county of Derbyshire (UK). I am single never married and no children. I am honest and true and believe in old fashion values but like to have fun and be adventurous, willing to try new things when given the chance. I like to travel and have had the opportunity to travel to some wonderful place around the world. I have been told that I am a very good listener and I am more than capable of keeping a secret and being discreet. I would very much value the chance to get to know because you look and sound such a beautiful and charming lady. Please forgive me but I tend to be a little on the reserved side until I get to know someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this message

Best wishes

Mr Misdirection


Dear Mr Misdirection. Thanks for your email. You have me perplexed, I'm not entirely sure what you're after from your email. It would appear from your formal preamble that you're addressing me much like you would the recipient of a cover letter for a job application. But then with your line about being discreet and capable of keeping a secret, you're almost implying I have some deep dark something that you'd more than happily withhold as some kind of leverage or emotional blackmail for me. Both of these aspects trouble me greatly, as I neither want to employ you, nor do I want you to use the fact I am a cross-dressing, dole-spanking, wrist-slitting, man-beating crack whore against me. Thank you. Yours, befuddledly

From Mr List

Hiya huni Describe urself in 10 words mine are :

Dear Mr List. Thanks for your email. Here are the 10 words that describe me:

'Highly intolerant of the word 'huni' and doesn't date tramps.'


Yours un-bum-like.

19 October 2010

From Mr Personal

hi sweaty u ok ?

Dear Mr Personal. Thanks for your email. Actually, I'm not okay. I am, as you so politely say, very sweaty, but that's because I had to rush home after a hellish day at work giving presentations, had to squeeze onto a packed tube amongst a barrage of other unpleasant armpits, only to get home and find out that I'd left the heating on full whack. Combine that with a 100% polyester outfit and I am in a small amount of perspirational strife to say the very least. But that, to be brutally honest, is none of your business thank you. So if you please, I'll be off to douche myself to within an inch of my sweaty life. Yours glowingly

From Mr Niche

MARRY ME! And i Promise to come to the wedding dressed as a Bird and Painted YELLOW!

Dear Mr Niche. Thanks for your email. Hang on, are you trying to tell me if we get married, you'd come dressed up as Big Bird from Sesame Street? Niche by name, niche by nature, for sure, but I think we'd make the perfect couple. So I'm saying yes, I will most definitely marry you, as long as I can be Oscar the Grouch with my very own trash can? Eagerly awaiting your reply. Yours, sesame-seedily

From Mr Tootsie

You are so gggorgeous!! Loved you. But why would you like to date me??
I must warn you though, I have a foot fetish

Dear Mr Tootsie. Thanks for your email. I think you've answered your own question, why would I want to date you, you have a foot fetish! And unless you have a particular penchant for Hobbits, I don't think I'd be up your street. So you can leave my little piggies well alone sunshine, there's nothing here for you. Yours pedestrianly

17 October 2010

From Mr Patronising

Omg...your so cute, i just wanna put you in my pocket, take you home and ask my room mates if i can keep you

Dear Mr Patronising. Thanks for your email. What do you think I am, a bloody Borrower? Well you're right, I am. And a fully house-trained one at that. So have a word with your room mates, and get back to me, yeah. Yours, diminutively.

From Mr Good Sport 3

Hi there

I really liked your profile and I thought I would get in contact with you as i would like to get to know you. Well a bit about me. I work as a consultant in central london. I love going to gigs etc , mainly for independent bands. I also like Outdoor sports , cycling , scuba diving, kayaking, hiking etc
which i try to do as often as i can.Im also a qualified Aromatherapy Masseur.Well if you like the sound of me please get in touch.

Dear Mr Good Sport. I can't be bothered to thank you for your emails anymore, since this is your third. You've not really done anything revolutionary since the last two messages have you? Let me refresh your memory...


I wasn't interested the first time, even less on the second, and now, after your third i-fucking-dentical message, I'm close to hanging myself. Stop it, stop it now. Yours, suicidally

From Mr Questioning

ten questions.

Q1 Fav film?

Q2 Fav Food?

Q3 Fav Drink?

Q4 Fav holiday?

Q5 Fav Song?

Q6 Best part of you body is and why?

Q7 Knickers or thong girl? lol

Q8 Have you forfilled your fantasy? If so when and if not why not.

Q9 fav position?

Q10 will she reply?

Dear Mr Questioning. Thanks for your email. Here are my answers:

1. Piss off.
2. Piss off.
3. Piss off.
4. Piss off.
5. Piss off.
6. Piss off.
7. Piss off.
8. Piss off.
9. Piss off.
10. Piss off.

Clearly you were using your 'inventive' quiz to lure me into divulging personal information so you can get your seedy little kicks from knowing that I love my fabulous breasts, always wear French knickers, fantasise about being whisked away and seen to by a young, handsome cowboy and that I love to be on top. Nice try.


Yours, revealingly.

From Mr Opiate

Hi there, you fine! I'm a nice guy & looking for a right person for some fun with lots of love & honesty as well joy with Papaver somniferum poppy pods. I wish to hear u soon.

Dear Mr Opiate. Thanks for your email. To be honest, I'm currently going through a lengthy rehab process to kick my raging papaver somniferum poppy habit, and I would worry that if we were to meet, I'd descend back down that all-too-destructive opiate-induced slope. I can't go there again, I just can't, even though you're really rather hot and I fancy you like fury. I'm sorry. Yours, soberly

PS. But if I was to be accidentally spiked, that wouldn't count, right? Email me.

15 October 2010

From Mr Sadomasochist


I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

Dear Mr Sadomasochist. Thanks for your email. Well, what can I say, it seems you've got me down to a tee. Shall we hook up, say tomorrow night? Yours violently, loathingly and obsessively

From Mr Unintelligible

U lopk cupe im ut pigtures ;p

Dear Mr Unintelligible. Thanks for your email. Er...what? I think I know what you are trying to say, and I have to admit I'm mildly impressed that you've notched up a 100% failure rate with your spelling. I think that's a new record. Well done you. Well done, but still no. And I'm not even sorry. Yours, slightly more intelligibly

From Mr Chat Up Line 2

Great pics darlin!;) How are you? Would love to get to know you a bit, what do you think? Any interest?;) If so I'll give you a chance to bite on my corny chat up line... What did the elephant say to the polar bear on a trip to the north pole?

Dear Mr Chat Up Line 2. Thanks for your email. Ooh, I know this one, I believe the conversation went as follows:
Elephant: 'Excuse me, I appear to be lost, could you tell me where I am?'
Polar Bear: 'You're in the North Pole mate.'
Elephant: 'Oh right, that would explain all the snow wouldn't it. Ah, bum. That's quite a long way away from where I wanted to be really.'
Polar Bear: 'Where did you want to go mate? I've got Googlemaps on my phone.
Elephant: 'Well I was hoping to go to India. I escaped from London Zoo a couple of weeks ago but I appear to have taken a wrong turn somewhere.'
Polar Bear: 'Yeah, looks like it doesn't it. Well, according to this, if you turn right over there, and keep walking for about 72 days, you should make it to India.'
Elephant: 'Ah great, thanks very much for your help.'
Polar Bear: 'No problem mate, no problem at all. Listen, before you head off, I don't suppose you could do me a favour could you?'
Elephant: 'Sure, no problem, it's the least I can do to repay your kindness, I'd have been really stuck if you hadn't helped me! What can I do?'
Polar Bear: 'Well as you know there aren't many of us polar bears around these days, what with all the melting ice caps and that, and I've been on me own for months now...'
Elephant: 'Go on...'
Polar Bear: 'Anyway us polar bears arms aren't quite long enough to reach downstairs for gratification if you know what I mean, and I'd heard elephants trunks were renowned for their trunk jobs and...well...I was just wondering if you might oblige a lonely bear.'

The Elephant paused for thought.
Elephant: 'Oh alright then. Just don't expect a reach around...'
Am I right? Not the catchiest punch line in the world, I have to say. Maybe you want to go for a short one liner next time.
Yours, humorously

From Mr Never-Been-Kissed

hi, hope your well (lovely pic/profile). this may sound like a joke, but i am entirely serious. would you teach me how to kiss? if your interested then get back to me and i'll explain more. im not interested to meet for sex (not for now anyway), just to learn kissing only. (i have never been in a relationship before hence my request).

Dear Mr Never-Been-Kissed. Thanks for your email. Of course I'll teach you how to kiss, I learned back in my days at an all girls boarding school. The trick is to hold the other person's face tenderly with both hands (in my case back then it was Lynsey from the year above), move in very slowly until you're just touching lips (she used to smell like strawberry lip balm from the Body Shop, mmm yummy!), and then slowly slip your...hang on a minute...I know your game. Dirty boy. Well done you.

Yours, lip servicely

From Mr Filth

Can I cum for you on cam beautiful? 7" and thick.

Dear Mr Filth. Thanks for your email. 7" and thick eh? Sorry, I don't date stupid gnomes. Yours, ignoring-the-first-sentencely

From Mr Wedding Stalker

Hi Clare,

You probably don't remember me and to be honest I feel a little stalkerish contacting you like this but hey, even Romeo started out a bit like a stalker, hanging around outside a chicks window hoping for a wee glimpse of his hearts desire.

Anyway, my names Mr Wedding Stalker and we met about 2 years ago at B and S's wedding (is that the right etiquette? Should it not be S and B's wedding? After all it's the brides special day). Anyway, I was there with my friend C, we had an ace time. You taught me the 'Do a poo' chant and I showed you a text I sent earlier in the day to a friend saying it was my wedding I was going to and I was going to marry someone called Clare. Well, I've decided it's time I kept that promise.. You pick the date and place. lol

Would be great to see you again, especially if we're gonna get married and all.


Blast from the past. AKA Mr WS


Dear Mr Wedding Stalker. Thanks for your email. The short answer is no, I won't marry you. But since you've gone to such totally and utterly ridiculous lengths to find my very private profile buried in the back rooms of Facebook after 2 years, I'll extend you the common courtesy of a full blown reply.

Of course I remember you from Ben and Sally's wedding, you had an equal impact on me too. You were the one who mistook my playfully amusing chant for a direct order and promptly curled one out during the best man's speech. And as I recall your good friend C rapidly became your worst enemy, something to do with a small bag of crack, and as the special couple were taking to the floor to perform their first dance, you two decided to stage a rather spectacular ruck which resulted in the destruction of a chair, the letting off of a fire extinguisher and the incitement of further violence amongst the bridesmaids. How could I possibly forget how you bundled me into the dumb waiter, locked the door and laughed callously as I screamed and cried my claustrophobia away. I can still remember you waving your willy at me antagonistically through the small window before the serving staff rescued me from the trauma. If it wasn't for finding your missing back of crack after you'd been ejected from the wedding, I would have probably sat rocking in the corner for the remainder of the night.

And as for the wedding proposal, well, I do believe your text message read 'I'm sat next to this broad called Clare. She's not much on the eyes mind, but she's fucked enough I reckon I can fool her into agreeing to marry me. I know I'm washed up, passed it, and down and out, so this is my only hope. I have the roofies on standby. Just in case.' I may have been drunk dear boy, but I could still read. May I suggest in future you sort your first approach tactic and follow up routine out. Violence, faeces and Rohypnol on day 1 and a casual yet ultimately stalkerly email 2 years later is hardly textbook. And on that note, adieu. Which is French for 'fuck off, fuckface.'

Never yours, Claire

PS. My name has an i in it. I think all along, you may have been mistaken

13 October 2010

From Mr Sinister

Knock, knock.....

Dear Mr Sinister. Thanks for your email. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE???? GOOOO AWAAAAAYYYY!!!!!! Yours, nervously

From Mr Lick

genuine offer .................. hi sexi, im mr lick from east london. Doese the idea of a pussy lick n go service take your fancy??????. Very serious. Have a sizzling hot toungue with infinite experience having given pleasure to many women. This will be about your pleasure ONLY, can accommodate, travel or even collect if its a beauti such as you. We dont even have to speak, just a lick n go! ..............

Dear Mr Lick. Thanks for your email. As taken as I am by your spectacularly generous offer of a cunnilingus delivery service, I shall have to gracefully decline, on no other grounds than it's against my religion to let someone touch me with their 'toungue'. Whatever a 'toungue' is...

But well done for your entrepreneurial skills, may I suggest you try contacting the Dragons Den? I hear that Deborah Meaden is in the market for bespoke sexual services, and your Squeals On Wheels business would go down a treat. Literally. 

Yours, linguistically

From Mr Soul-Searcher

Hi, I'm Mr Soul-Searcher, considering a critical look of life`s ups and downs that sometimes beclouded ones reasoning with the desirable quest of finding a lasting answer to the ageless urge of every indivudual to find a resting place for body,soul and spirit here on earth. Though lots of world`s greatest school and books on facts of life categorically emphasized that one could not really find 100% rest for soul on earth but unknown to them that just a word could realise that (LOVE) and which has been the fundamental tool in making one successful and joyous in life.
This will keep every being rovering round and round searching for a sincere love and soulmate that would complemement one`s life and make one to fully experience the desired rest on earth. I surely believe that everybody has to come in contact with his or her own soulmate somehow, somewhere and at a particular time in one`s life but the definite time and actual place remains a misery to one`s reasoning and thinking.I am fortunate to have found myself in your world because God has made in such a way that there must be a purpose for ever occurence in life. I regard it as a step which someone has to take to really demystify what everybody regarded as mystery. What buffles me most is I decided noting and hopefully anticipating your warm welcome so as to free up a soul and a conscience I will definitely and happily tell you all who and what I am on due request from and I would also endeavour to send a pic on request too. Please pardon me to have desired for a solace in your world.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Soul-Searcher

Dear Mr Soul-Searcher. Thanks for your email. Are you looking for a soul mate, salvation, or the answer to life, the universe and everything? I think you may be looking in the wrong place, I'm just here to find a casual fuck. Sorry. Good luck though. Or something. Yours, soullessly

From Mr Inept

stumbling on your profile aint no mistake and i guess i came on here at the right time.really don't know what to say ,,you are beautiful and exquisite sorry if i sound rude but i just ve 2 appreciate the fact that u are pretty.hi,,my name is Mr inept,how u doing and nice stumbling on ur profile

Dear Mr Inept. You might want to watch your literary step, you've stumbled across my profile twice in one paragraph. Clumsy. Please be careful not to trample my metaphors. Yours, felicitously

From Mr Common Ground

im single like you, so what due say

Dear Mr Common Ground. Thanks for your email. You're single too? Wow, what are the odds? Seriously? This is astonishing! Could this be fate? Can you imagine the stories at our wedding? I can picture it now: 

'How did you meet?' 
'Well, this is quite an amazing story let me tell you. I was on a dating site, and she was on a dating site, and I emailed her, and it turned, out we were both single and...'


Let's leave it there, yeah? Yeah.

Yours, obviously.

From Miss Statistic

TRUE FACT.In the online dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.” According to Ann Rule, about 3% of men are psychopaths, of which only a tiny percentage are serial killers Guess we had better stick to girls then! Xx

Dear Miss Statistic. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I don't have boobies and front bottoms on my list of desired personal qualities in a partner, and as flattered as I am by your offer, I'll take my chances with the psychopathic 3% of the male race. Because, lets face it, the odds are 33.3 times better than the 100% hit rate of vaginae on women. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, phallophiliacally

From Mr Maybelline

You are really nice and attractive woman. I like your face. X

Dear Mr Maybelline. Thanks for your email. I can't say I feel the same about your face I'm afraid. You see, I'm not sure I could date a man whose eyebrows were more immaculately coiffured than my own. I'm fairly certain I don't see Pat Butcher eyeshadow as a desired quality in a potential suitor and I'm positive I couldn't go out with a man who wears blusher like Raggedy-bloody-Ann. Even your cleavage is better than mine. In short, if I wanted to date someone who wore as much slap as you, I'd be a lesbian. With better taste at that. But I'm not. I'm also not entirely convinced I'm up your proverbial street either, but I suspect it's just your way of getting your mits on my Max Factor. Cheeky. And still no. Yours, cosmetically

11 October 2010

From Mr Dodgy Claim

I was blinded by your good looks so i'm going to need your details for insurance reasons.

Dear Mr Dodgy Claim. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry but I can't help you with your insurance case. You see, I'm only covered for third party, fire and theft, so unless someone has physically stolen your eyeballs or they have been subjected to some sort of arson attack, you're not eligible to make a claim. Do let me know if they have though. Not because I will give you my details, but because it'll make me chuckle. Yours, assuredly

10 October 2010

From Mr Speculative

Caught much so far?

Dear Mr Speculative. Thanks for your email. Have I caught much so far? Hmm...a few things, namely herpes, a couple of crabs and the odd dose of the clap. Drink sometime? Yours, riddled.

01 October 2010

From Mr Numerically Challenged 2

5 words: you dont look 30! X

Dear Mr Numerically Challenged. Thanks for your email. But I think you'll find, it's 4 words, not 5. Unless you count the first bit, in which case it's 6 words. Either way, you can't bloody count. Yours disappointedly, Carol Vorderman

From Mr Unsubtle

Hi. Like the hat very cute

Dear Mr Unsubtle. Thanks for your email. That's not a hat, that's my hair. Yours, insultedly.

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