30 September 2010

From Mr Flatterer

hello you, well im confused, as cant work out how a beautiful women like you is single..i mean your stunning..!

Dear Mr Flatterer. Thanks for your email. The answer is simple, I am psychotic. Meet me and you will find out. Where do you live? I'll bring the ball-gag, nunchucks and tamed squirrels. See you soon. Yours, unhingedly

From Mr Ghetto

hey there how are you...you look beautiful by the way and oh yeah just so you know i am not a thug lool so don't be afraid to talk...x

Dear Mr Ghetto. Thanks for your email. Of course I don't think that. I mean, why would an 18 year old hood-sporting, street-speaking, bling-bearing, N-Dubz-worshipping, wannabe-Fiddy come across as a thug? Oh, I see. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, unthuggishly.

PS. Please don't cut me blud. Innit.

From Mr Over-enthustiastic

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey... ur SOOOO cooooooool!!!!!!

Dear Mr Over-enthusiastic. Thanks for your email.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey...you're SOOOOOOOO weird!

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!

Yours, under-whelmingly

From Mr Text Speak

hi bbe hw r u? U seem v intresting cn we b m8s?

Dear Mr Text Speak. Thanks for your email. Well, I say email, but in truth it's more like one of those ridiculous texts that will be the final nail in the frighteningly sad coffin of our beautiful English language. I'm pretty sure the moment you typed that message, the likes of Shakespeare and Proust turned in their graves, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary handed in their notices in distress and Stephen Fry shed a subconscious tear in mourning for our mother tongue. I hope you're proud of yourself, you word-murderer. But to be honest, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, because I've used full words. What a crying shame. Yours, literately

From Mr Ex Con

I used to b an armed robber! and ex security 4 davina mcall ,till i did a job got caught and spent 5yr in jail.Since then ive reformed myself into a poet an artist (ex piss artist) lol im currently dwelling in DAgenham looking for my place in life , there you go hows that? ps for some reason im too honest for my own good and prob got you running for ur phone ,with finger thrice on 9 button?well im here if you fancy a chat promise too tell all x

Dear Mr Ex Con. Thanks for your email. And your honesty. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with the whole armed robbery thing and all, in fact I love a man with an air of danger about him, I just couldn't date anyone who lived in Dagenham. Ever. If it wasn't for that, you'd totally have been in there. What a shame. Sorry. Yours, un-Essexically

From Master Baker

Hi Darkangellis, hows your day being so far? I dont know if you are in to cooking,but what you think about this recipe for a cake? 500gs of sugar kisses,500gs of hugs,750gs of cuddles,1kg of attention,1kg of laughs and 2kgs of spices mix all up down goes to the oven and let cook for all day.what you think may 200gs of romance it would make even better may be covered in chocolate? I would like to chat with you about the recipe if is ok? lol take care

Dear Master Baker. Thanks for your recipe. With quantities like those, you'll not only feed the 5000, but you'd probably kill them all too. I have to say that is by far the most over-baked, super-sweet, vomit-inducing recipe I have ever read in my life. I reckon one spoonful of that nauseating mixture and I'll have two fingers down my own throat faster than you can say 'pass the insulin'. If you are cooking the food of love, then I'm on a diet. Yours, most abstinent

29 September 2010

From Mr Misogynist

If Carlsberg made women...

Dear Mr Misogynist. Thanks for your email. Oh good, a beer analogy, you've clearly got my number. Well to repay the sentiment in advertising terms, it seems you have the Ronseal of dating pseudonyms - it does exactly what it says on the tin. Yours, feministically

From Mr Inquisitive

Hi sweetheart. Can I ask you a question?

Dear Mr Inquisitive. Thanks for your email. 


Yours, answerably.

From Mr Speculation

if you keep your ipod and I remove all your clothes
how would you feel then ?

Dear Mr Speculation. Thanks for your email. If you removed all of my clothes and let me keep my iPod, I would no doubt feel rather cold, very self-conscious, and most concerned I would get severely reprimanded at work for pitching up stark bollock naked. Remind me never to meet up with you, you weird, twisted, Apple-loving, garment thief! Yours, happily-clad

From Mr Loud




Dear Mr Loud. Thanks for your email. Shhh! Keep it down, my appreciation of modesty is trying to sleep. I get the point, there's no need to shout. Bragging at volume is not an attractive trait in a man, so do yourself a favour and go easy on the caps lock. Yours, silently

From Mr Guardian Angel

why were you crying the other night?

Dear Mr Guardian Angel. Thanks for your email. Er, what? Seriously, what? Let's gloss over the fact that this is a dating site and we are two complete strangers. Not only are we total strangers, but you have bugger all knowledge of what may or may not go on in my life. But since you're curious, here are the possible reasons why I may have shed a tear or two recently:

- I got my phone bill through.
- I had my weekly epillation session. 
- I had a stonking head cold.
- I was literally bored to tears.
- I managed to sew myself into my cross stitch.
- Bambi's mother died. That still disturbs me when I think about it.

Or, and more realistically, I've not cried at all. Or more to the point, it's absolutely none of your business. That freakish 'I'm such a perceptive man, why don't you spill your spiritual beans to me and I'll be so sympathetic you'll let me bonk you by bedtime' act does not wash with me. So there. Yours, dry-eyedly.

PS. Do you have any Kleenex? I appear to have run out...

From Mr Chat Up Line

im not that good at chating girls up but I will give it a go

your lips look so lonely would they like to meet mine

it would be good if i hear back from you

Dear Mr Chat Up Line. Thanks for your email. You're right, you're not very good at chatting girls up. In answer to your question, no, my lips would not like to meet yours. How could my lips ever be lonely, there are two of them? They keep each other company all the time. Sorry. Yours, lippily

From Mr Cocky

Hi, I thought I’d cheer you up by talking to you.

Dear Mr Cocky. Thanks for your email. Although it wasn't your email that cheered me up, it was your photo. Who'd have thought you could have eyes where your ears should be? Priceless. Yours, cheerily.

28 September 2010

From Mr Royalist

Hi Queen,hw are u doing...you got some hot pix!

Dear Mr Royalist. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I believe you've got the wrong profile, HRH is on the next page. You're right though, she does have some seriously smoking photos. Grr. Yours, regally

From Mr Gentleman

i would you want to get to know a guy in london that thinks you are gorgeous? my names mr gentleman im 32 from croydon and would love to get to know you. im not into one night stands or casual sex. personally id prefer to know someone before jumping into bed with them.

Dear Mr Gentleman. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I just don't think we're compatible. You see, I don't want flowers, hand-holding, romance - I'm just after a fast, no-strings fuck, none of this chivalry shit.  What a shame. Good luck. Yours, promiscuously

From Mr Facetious

What a brilliant profile! It's a shame that I can't date a nutter

Dear Mr Facetious. What a brilliant email. It's a shame I can't date a short, fat, balding, train-spotting, beige-wearing, Abba-loving IT worker. Yours, disappointedly

From Mr Cheeky

no way are you 30? you aint bad for a oldy lol x

Dear Mr Cheeky. Thanks for your email. Yes, it's amazing what a lick of paint and a bucket of formaldehyde can do. Yours, youthfully.

From Mr Hot Pics

hey sexypants! love the cheeky smile! hows it goin? sorry i have no pic yet, i've uploaded one but it still has to be approved. i can mail some though or through msn or something (promise i'm hot! lol) xx

Dear Mr Hot Pics. Thanks for your email. How on earth do you know my real name? I thought this site was anonymous? Yours, concernedly

From Mr Hallucinogen 2

did you see the cat in the paper that had been dyed pink but just had its face left white?

Dear Mr Hallucinogen. Thanks for your email. No I did not see a cat with a pink body and a white face, you crazy crazy man. Step away from the crack, leave the poor cats alone and go and have yourself a cold shower. Yours, perturbedly

From Mr Flattery

Hey, you got a contagious smile ... I'm already feeling the effect!

Dear Mr Flattery. Thanks for your email. That'll be the herpes then...Enjoy! Yours, communicably

From Mr Pessimist

i had a feeling you wouldnt contact me :-(

From Mr Toilet Humour

Miss ,Ms,Mrs or oi oi gorgeous

I’m tired of saying how are you or just plane hi and getting no reply
So thought would just give this a try and see if it got me a reply

So here I am
If I were a bird up in the sky looking at you from way up high and
You looked up to see me fly I mite just poop right in your eye

Ok not so good

But if it put a smile on your face and you could beat me in a race
Just take a quick look at my face and if it don’t make you scream
Or run then this could be the one !!!!!!!!

There was an old lady from Ealing who had a terrible feeling she laid on her back opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling
Sorry lol
come say hi or some thing

Dear Mr Toilet Humour. Thanks for your email. How did you know my favourite ever poem? And you seem to like birds too, I think this must be fate! What can I say, it's a pleasure to meet you. And although I prefer to be called by my Christian name, I will of course answer to all of the above so please do call me what you like (although between you and I, I really love Oi Oi Gorgeous, but only when accompanied by a wolf whistle). Anyway, why delay, we should definitely meet up. But only as long as you promise not to shit on my face. Yours, hopefully

From Mr Preacher

Hi, I read your profile and it appealed to me. I feel so inspired and honored to know you - WOW!! I want you to know straight away that you write with a beautiful flare and sense of pure honesty and transparency that I find very attractive and drawn to. Yes, you are a awesome girl from the outside though I can tell straight away that you are beautiful on the inside with a lot of love to share.Like you my life hasn't been perfect and I've had my challenges though one thing I can share with you is what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Life is full of constant change and change is exciting! It's exciting because change means growth..growth from a spiritual sense, a mental and emotional sense and most of all caring for the world around. As you grow and learn God passes on his wisdom and knowledge and in his own profound way allows you to live and teach it. Doesn't matter how you teach it, be it with your family and friends or with the world around. I'm so blessed I get to teach what I learn on the world stage to thousands of people which is a huge buzz.....I am one that believes that we have so short time on this earth that we must make the best of it. I am one that looks into the future and that is where I am headed. I am looking for that special person to share my life with. I am a romantic at heart and love to spoil that special person in my life. I am of Greek background. I am looking for that person who likes the finer things in life, is honest and faithful in there commitment. I am a person who speaks there mind and tells it how it is, no need for lies as they eventually catch up with you. I am a person who knows what he wants and goes after that. I am well travelled and like travelling. If you want to find out more about me and give me that chance to sweep you off your feet. I am not one for games, nor chat I am loyal and committed to those that are in my life. When I give my word there is nothing that can break it. Family is the most important thing to me, and is above all. I like e-mail each other and i would like to know more about you more and more and if you would like to find out more and see where it may lead email me and we can take it from there. Awaiting your reply and leave me your cell phone # Regards, Mr Preacher

Dear Mr Preacher. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, are we on a dating site, or have I inadvertently signed myself up for spiritual guidance classes? As much as I appreciate the general sentiment, I'm looking for someone to do flippant things like feed the ducks with, someone go to the cinema with, or maybe share a milkshake with, not someone who'll turn every moment in life into an evangelical lesson with a great big moral stirred in for good measure. I'm no pedestrian of the great spiritual pathway. Oh no. I'm hitching a lift along the motorway of all things trivial, and I sincerely hope we get to stop at McDonalds on the way. Sorry. Yours, frivolously

From Mr Original

Do you have a parrot? You should carry it round on your shoulder like a pirate.

Dear Mr Original. Thanks for your email. What a foolish suggestion, I would never dream of carrying a pirate around on my shoulder. His cutlass would dig into my back. Yours, unoriginally

From Mr Unphilosopher

my first impression was your looking for a philospher as apose to someone you can actually talk to, well here's me i'm 26 from central london and i'd love to take YOU out for a drink and if i'm honest maybe breakfast. well in the ords of aristotle "A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape". x night x

Dear Mr Unphilosopher. Thanks for your email. And for that rather wonderful quote, which I believe comes from Mark Twain, not Aristotle (it's amazing what a quick Google search can do). I'll be honest with you, I am neither a fan of the round man, nor wish the shape of my hole to be speculated on by virtual strangers, so. Here's a quote that genuinely is from the late great Aristotle: 'Educated men are as much superior to uneducated men as the living are to the dead.' I have to admit I agree with him - I'm not one for the uneducated man, and I am not one for necrophilia, so on that note, I shall bid you farewell. Yours, philosophically.

26 September 2010

From Master Inexperienced

Hey =D, I'm going to be pretty straight forward with you in this message lol

Basically I have absolutetly zero experience with girls :-(

I'm looking for a woman, prefferably older who can show me the ropes. : )

Reply back if you would like to talk or know more

Oh and If i have offended you in ANY way from this message, im really sorry :/

Dear Master Inexperienced. Thanks for your email. I am not offended in the slightest. In fact, I am rather flattered that you have asked me to help kick start your education in the subjects of sexual studies, female biology and carnal knowledge. I would most definitely be willing to show you the ways of the world, but I do have some ground rules:

1. You do not make reference to our 12 year age gap.
2. You do not tell your friends I am your girlfriend.
3. You follow my instructions to the letter.
4. No tears before, during or afterwards, please.
5. You tidy your room first young man, from your profile pictures it's a complete pigsty.

Now that's all sorted, we can begin. Come to Mama. 

Yours, maturely.

From Mr Teacher

I liked your profile and you have a cute pic to, as it shows you have passion and expres'ion within you. So what did you're school reports say about you?

Dear Mr Teacher. Thanks for your email. My school reports all said 'her grammar and spelling need more work, and on the whole lacks enthusiasm and originality. Must try harder', which is rather appropriate considering they are my exact sentiments towards your email. Yours, educatedly.

20 September 2010

From Mr Kooky 2

Hello, I saw your profile today and it said we were a 90.5% match! I'm not sure how good that actually is but it definately sounds good! I bet you have had a few guys already email you saying things like "I liked your profile picture" or "how was your weekend?". I think this is a bit boring so I thought I'd jazz things up a little with a different icebreaker. To get to know each other a little bit better i think we should play the 4 facts game. All you have to do is reply back with 4 'facts' about yourself although one has to be a lie. So to get the ball rolling (I'll offer a magnum ice cream if you guess correctly) I will give you 4 'facts' about me and you have to guess which one is the lie. Bye for now.

Dear Mr Kooky. Thanks for your email, your second email. You've done well to change a few key words, I almost didn't recognise you. Almost. I notice since your first email (http://internet-berating.blogspot.com/2010/08/from-mr-kooky.html) you have upped the stakes from a humble Kit Kat (not my favourite chocolate bar of choice) to a Magnum ice cream. Well done. Although you clearly got so excited about the new budget for your novelty internet dating games you neglected to throw in the actual trivia. Let me guess, they would have been something about a novel dance, the Blue Peter garden, an Oscar nominee and a one-eyed man? As much as I appreciate the second pass, which I suspect is totally unintentional as we've both been on the site so long I'm sure everyone now deserves a second chance, but my answer still stands as a no, because you failed to hazard any sort of guess at my little incorrect factoid. Yours, truthfully.

PS. The incorrect answer was 3 - my false leg does not have a snap on attachment for roller skates. It does, however, have an hoover attachment for getting dust out of those pesky nooks and crannies. The other three are all true. Drink?

From Mr Miniature

Hi names mr minuature, this is difficult talking about yourself. here goes nothing i'm 30 live in south london. Work wise i'm a delivery person for a uni. I'm 5'0 to 5'2 in height. into most things music as lonfg as yop can here the words to the music. into sailing generally having fun. i'm not after a one night stand but long term if it works out great if not i've gained another friend.

Dear Mr Miniature. Thanks for your email. Although you sound like a really lovely boy, may I just question one small, and I mean small, part of your email? You claim to be somewhere between 5' and 5'2" - on what factors does this depend exactly? The wind? Atmospheric pressure? A pair of Cuban heels? In my experience height is one of the things boys tend to exaggerate most to internet dates. And given your maximum height is actually less than mine, and given how miniature I am, I would feel rather wrong walking alongside someone who has pretty much the same physical stature as a child. I'm sure there are many diminutive ladies out there who'd love to not get crick neck every time they go in for a cheeky snog, but I prefer not to have to bend down when I get mine. I wish you all the best in your quest for little love, and I sincerely hope you find something special that grows. Your legs perhaps. Or your shadow. Yours, heightenedly

15 September 2010

From Mr Grand Scheme

hi!how is your life going?

Hi Mr Grand Scheme. Thanks for your email. My life has been a bit of a roller coaster, I'll be honest. It all started out when I was a child. I was a slow-developing baby, slow to crawl, slower to walk, and when it came to speech I struggled to even string a couple of basic words together until I was at least 3. My parents never read to me as a youngster and as a result when I started at school I was behind in class whilst the other children excelled and found literary love in such classics such as Roger Red Hat and Stig of the Dump. To combat this feeling of innate illiteracy, I turned to food at an early age, gorging myself on sweets and crisps whilst my other young chums spent their pocket money on books and magazines. As a result I put on weight, and became so chubby that sports lessons at school became more and more traumatic. Then the bullying started and the reclusion began. I turned to death metal, started wearing black and then acknowledged that food was the source of all the evil in the world, and set my aspirational sights on anorexia. 5 stone and half a headful of hair down, I felt happier being a balding bonebag. But these were the twilight years of my looks, my oddly angular bony body and the addition of train track braces meant my chances of finding a boyfriend were severely thwarted. So the eating began again, the hair began to grow back, and for a fleeting period I was almost attractive. But then the rampant acne attacked, and I passed the memorable ages of 16, 17 and 18 without so much of a sniff of a kiss from the opposite sex. The important exams at school came and went with no real event, I neither excelled nor totally bombed, and the underwhelming response from my family at my bland sheets of qualifications encouraged me that at least I wasn't a total failure. University rolled around, I decided to take a Mickey Mouse degree in the hope of not just graduating, but maybe, just maybe finding myself someone drunk enough to exchange a modicum of saliva with. Finally, in the start of my second term of university, in a moment of bravado to prove to my peers I wasn't the total loser I appeared to be, I downed a bottle of wine. What ensued is still a mystery to me, but on awaking beside a drunken, snoring and smelly heap of a rugby player, I presumed the ceremony of virginity-loss had passed without too much trauma. Encouraged by this event, I proceeded to use my new found inebriated sex appeal to make a name for myself amongst the rest of the rugby team, before moving on to the football team, the hockey players and eventually the university darts squad and chess club. By the time I graduated, I was a seasoned snogger, and took my new found confidence out onto the job market. I managed to find myself a nice little job working in a supermarket, where I set my ambitious sights on the heady ascension from shelf-stacker to store manager. 8 years, 2 one night stands and 1 minor disciplinary later, I'm happily head of the fruit and vegetable section, and now plotting my assault on lower senior management. Sadly the last boyfriend I had mysteriously had to move to New Zealand at short notice, and since then I have been lacking that special someone in my life. I consider myself to be a much better person now: my literary issues have mostly been ironed out and I have since read all of the Roger Red Hat series. I've even managed most of the CS Lewis set, even though the Voyage of the Dawn Treader did have a few words I didn't understand. My hair has now totally grown back and I have got lots of support around me to stop my eating habits spiralling out of control again, although this does sometimes mean supervised trips to the supermarket and the odd padlock on the fridge when I'm having a bit of a tough time. I don't speak to my parents very much, but I'm presuming by the fact that they no longer call me to berate my very existence any more that they must be vaguely content with how I'm doing. Plus they must be very busy with my lawyer sister's forthcoming wedding and her baby twins so I understand. So here I am, doing well in my job in the face of adversity, and looking for that special someone to share my life with. Could that be you? I do hope so, I feel we've bonded so well. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours, optimistically

From Mr Good Sport 2

Hi there. I really liked your profile and I thought I would get in contact with you as i would like to get to know you. Well a bit about me.  I work as a consultant in central london. I love going to gigs etc , mainly for independent bands. I also like Outdoor sports , cycling , scuba diving, kayaking, hiking etc which i try to do as often as i can. Im also a qualified Aromatherapy Masseur. Well if you like the sound of me please get in touch.

Dear Mr Good Sport. Thanks for your email. Again. I'm pleased to see you are still a fan of the old cut and paste technique. Clearly my previous reply to exactly the same email has escaped your memory, so lest I waste my written breath any longer, I shall redirect you.


A friendly word in your ear: girls like it when you give them the vague impression you have seen something about their particular profile you like, not like you're spamming anything and everyone on the site to stand a better chance of getting laid. You'd do well to remember that. Yours, ever-unsportingly.

14 September 2010

From Mr Paranoid

hey, how u?

u ever kick a guy in the balls?

Dear Mr Paranoid. No, I am not in the habit of kicking boys in the balls, although that is not for want of men asking me to do so. I sense you are about to do the same, so I'll put you out of your misery at this precise juncture and say no. Nice try. Yours, ball-preservingly

From Mr Asphyxia

Hiya. How's it going? What exciting plans do you have for the rest of the week?

I have another question but this one's a little more random. Would you put your hand over my mouth? I know it's a bizarre question, but there is a reason behind me asking and it's nothing dodgy lol.x

Dear Mr Asphyxia. Thanks for your email. My week is going well thank you. Tomorrow I'm off to have my rectum pierced for the fourth time but I think I'm also going to swing by the bondage store as I've run out of industrial lube and I broke my ball gag last weekend in an incident involving a Madam, a judge and a Rottweiler. I also need to pay a visit to B and Q to see if I can pick up some heavy duty screws for the new manacle set I'm having erected in the basement, but I suspect it may be a specialist job. Other than that catching up on a spot of correspondence, doing some washing, you know, the usual. What about you? Yours fetishistically.

PS. Hang on...you want me to put my HAND over your MOUTH? You sick fuck! Get the hell outta my inbox you freak!

03 September 2010

From Mr Tribute

Wow, hello you!

I read your profile and was extremely envious of it! That's the kind of profile I'd like to write (and no, not because it's attracted another me).

It seems that there's a lot of 'you' in your description, which is *nice*. I feel like I know you already, and yet you've yet to delete this message! (preferably print it out and throw darts at it - or knitting needles).

I'm a simple human being in a complicated life... I know what I like, and I like what I know - actually I don't know 100% what I like, and I don't necessarily like what I know sometimes.

I do, however, like music I'm currently in a tribute band playing keyboards. The band is a tribute to Genesis, of whom I adore, and could possibly bore you senseless detailing their every historical musical movement (in Chronological order).

I like the fact that although I'm born and bred Essex, I can spell, and add up numbers (yes, past 10). I work from home as a freelance Web Developer.

If I've bored you, then it's best to get the printer and darts/knitting needles ready. If you've been remotely interested, or slightly tickled, then I'd love a reply.

If you want to know more, I'm only to willing to write more nonsense for your casual perusal!!


Dear Mr Tribute. Thanks for your email. What perplexes me is you have profile envy of someone of the opposite sex that you might in theory be attracted to. Is that not a bit odd? Here's a tip for your profile, perhaps writing a couple of words demonstrating you do actually have a personality and then put a couple of pictures of yourself in a pretty frock at someone's wedding up and you're there! Although don't call me nice, that's damning someone with the faintest of praise. I think I'd almost rather be insulted. Perhaps. But anyway, I feel like I'm ignoring the elephant in the room. You're 29 years old, and you're in a Genesis tribute band? Seriously. I feel like I don't want to ask any band-related questions for fear of what gargantuan pseudo-savantesque diatribe it may unleash. And don't get me wrong, we all like a little bit of Sussudio of an evening, perhaps the odd twinkle of In The Air Tonight and a casual slathering of Easy Lover. But Genesis should be only for recreational dabbling, not a lifestyle choice. I get the impression there'd be three of us in the relationship, and I'm not sure how I feel about getting that intimate with Phil Collins. Yours, genetically modified.

From Mr Strong Gentleman

strong gentl eman says hello

Dear Mr Strong Gentleman. Thanks for your email. Highly strung, marginally hungover, grammatically fascist, over opinionated and underwhelmed lady says thanks, but no thanks. Yours, regrettably

PS. For future reference, writing in the third person isn't always the best idea...


From Mr Helpful 2

can i be of any help


Dear Mr Helpful. Thanks for your email. Yes, you could help me actually. I'm looking for a black suede court shoe in a size 5. Now, I can only find sizes 4 and 6 here in suede, but I know the size 5 fits as I've tried it in on in blue. Do you have anything suitable out back? I'd like some suede protector too. Thanks. Yours, barefootedly.

PS. you're quite cute, are you single?

From Mr Inventive

Superb figure. Yep, tht's how imaginative I
am when it comes to saying hi. :P x

Dear Mr Inventive. Thanks for your email. Wow, you are imaginative aren't you! Especially since my picture is only a head shot. But I'm sure you'll totally LOVE the 21 stone of love from my neck down. Plus you strike me as the sort of guy to relish and treasure a little ladylike hirsutism and trust me, my false leg just means our love life will be that much more interesting. Have you ever used a prosthesis as a sex toy? Call me, call me now: 0781* *** ***. Yours, figuratively.

From Miss Threesome

darlin im new to this to im looking for a girl to have a bit of fun with me and my guy xxx

Dear Miss Threesome. Thanks for your email. Er...yeah...hmmm...well...not sure what to do with that right now...can I get back to you? Yours, indecisively.

PS. Not too fussed about you, but is your boyfriend hot?

From Mr Dude

good evening...
you are looking so beautiful..can i make friendship with you..can u give me reply..dude ...i'm real guy dude

Dear Mr Dude. Thanks for your email.



Yours, Dude Looks Like A Lady

From Mr Classy

Hi angel! I have noticed from your profile that you seem really down to earth and lovely. :-) So, I was wondering whether you would care to join me for a can of special brew, with a bag of chips on a park bench? aaand...if you play your cards right I will take you on a bin raid with me...you can keep lookout! ;)

Dear Mr Classy. Thanks for your email. I may be down to earth, but I'm not a total tramp! Yours, the Littlest Hobo.

PS. Make it a White Ace cider and a kebab, however, and I'm all yours

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates