13 November 2011

From Mrs Threesome

Hi babe, I'm looking for a sexy lady to join me for some girl on girl action and then for my husband to join in, are you intrested? Hope you are look forward to your reply ;)xx

Dear Mrs Threesome. Thanks for your email. Sorry, you're totally not my type, but your husband is FIT! Mind if I have a go? I'm sure you can watch...from outside a locked door. With no windows. Yours, hopefully

From Mr Christian

i hope you enjoy every moments of happy and joyful festival,
i am wishing you a sparking,happy and joyful Christmas to you
"he is on your way of life,
this Christmas with christ'"
see you
enjoy your time

Dear Mr Christian. Thanks for your email. Hang on, are you saying that Jesus Christ has something to do with Christmas? Rubbish! We celebrate Christmas because the 25th of December is Father Christmas' birthday! Look at the facts. We all get presents because that's what birthdays are all about. And we decorate Christmas trees which represent his home in the North Pole. And we all eat mince pies, Quality Streets and drink eggnog, because they're Santa's favourite party treats. And we use the symbols of angels because the old beardy fella was a massive Robbie Williams fan. And we hang up stockings to acknowledge the fact he has a penchant for cross dressing. And we all pray for a White Christmas because we know that Santa had a nose for blow. So there. You bloody Christians, trying to make everything relevant to Jesus. Piss off you and your dogmatic peddling, and leave the real festivals to us atheists. Yours, festively

From Mr Married

Hi there, how r u? Would u be friends and have with a married man?

Check my profile and let me know if u're interested (Text me 0753* *** ***).

Take care. Mr Married xxxx

Dear Mr Married. Thanks for your email. No, I would not like to be friends or anything else with a married man. What I would really like to do is publish your full profile and mobile number for the entire internet to see. I'd also dearly love to know what your poor wife feels about her husband actively putting himself on dating sites and emailing his mobile number around to strange women. Sadly, I'm sure there are some ladies on here who don't see a little thing as 'marriage' as an obstacle in meeting new partners, but I sure as hell do. Shame on you. Yours, most offendedly

From Mr Poetic


Rather than initials why not call yourself something like: Gorgeous Virgo Comic Writing Clown-Like Knitting Love Goddess!

Anyway, great profile and witty narrative style
and I love your gorgeous face and smile,
your sexy lips, symmetry (what I've seen) and your amazingly beautiful hazel eyes:
serene yet so full of wonder, passion, promise and surprise!

Write soon
and perhaps one day we'll meet in the summer sun
and go on an adventure or city break and have a lot of fun
and share a dance and little romance beneath the silver moon!

Ciao for now!

Dear Mr Poetic. Thanks for your email. And for your inventive verse. Straight prose won't do justice to the sentiment I feel in response to your poetry, so I thought I would reward like with like. I beg your indulgence awhile:

Your profile's lacking all appeal
To start you off, is your hair real?
It seems to perch upon your head
Just like a rabbit. Only dead.

Your dress sense sucks, your poem's bad
You're old enough to be my dad
And walk with you in luna's beam?
I'd frankly rather boil my spleen

Flattery will get you everywhere
I hope at least ten miles from here
Before it lived, lust would be dead
Twixt me and your mid-aged spread

I can imagine nothing worse
Than reading more of your crude verse
The only thing I'll promise you
Is we'll never meet. And so, adieu.

Yours, lyrically

From Mr Over-Analysis

When u get whistled at in the street, u feel uncomfortable and u''l always tut and roll your eyes. But ur awesomely flattered and ud be gutted if it stopped.

u will never grow out of your fascination with pop stars. A guy can be completely ordinary-looking, but u will fancy him if he’s in a band.

u are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really pretty.

u can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.

When u look through a his Facebook photos, ur looking to see how pretty or ugly his ex-girlfriends are.

u look through his Facebook photos a lot, and u really hope that he hasnt downloaded anything that reveals who looks at them the most.

Here’s how to make u fall for me. One day, i come on to u so strong that ur a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring u. ul wonder what u did wrong, and u won’t be able to stop thinking about me.

The above strategy isn’t foolproof. u may just lose interest. It depends on how much u liked me in the first place.

u often don’t know how much u liked me in the first place. u may have to wait until i don’t phone u. If ur disappointed, it proves that u fancy me . If ur not, it proves that u don’t. It’s like when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.

gotta stop trying to understand how your mind works. Even u don’t understand how your mind works.

u constantly change your mind and reserve the right to do so.

u love getting a missed call from me. It makes u feel in control.

The pleasure of noticing a missed call doesn’t last long. u never know how soon to ring back, and it does your head in.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by seeming too keen.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by not seeming keen enough.

u will never discuss this with me because u are constantly scared of putting me off by bringing “us” up in conversation.

“I’m scared of being hurt” means “I don’t fancy you as much as I thought I did.” You know it, i know it, and that is all that will be said on the matter.

u say “i’is not manipulative” because ur really good at being manipulative.

u only manipulate my feelings because i manipulated yours first.

Snoring costs me sex.

my feet disgust u.

u shave your toes.

uve got a rogue hair that needs regular plucking.

u went through a phase of shaving your moustache.

u leave your legs unshaven on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u wear big knickers on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u spend entire first date fancying the pants off me and worrying that we’ll end up in bed , all unshaven legs and big knickers.

u don’t actually care that much about the loo seat.

u suspect that i like your body more when ur carrying a few extra pounds, but u always feel better about yourself when u lose weight. However u hate that your boobs look deflated, and ur disgusted by the injustice of it.

u envy me for being able to eat more than u and not get fat. By “envy” u mean “occasionally hate.”

If a grown-up woman has light blonde hair, she’s bleaching it*. i can tell that a woman is a natural blonde from her mousey eyebrows. (* OK, or she’s Scandinavian.)

u trim your nose-hair.

Yes uve got nice eyes, blah blah. Boring. u are desperate for me to compliment your skin and your neck.

u are even more desperate for me to write poems about u.

When ur at a party u clock the sexy girls far quicker than u clock the sexy guys.

u find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that doesn’t mean u want to snog any of them.

However u do wish u were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex from someone who really knows what they’re doing.

Size does matter!

What i do with it matters even more.

What i do with my tongue matters most of all.

ur really scared that i''l feel your back zits.

During breakouts u get up at 6am and cover your spots with concealer while im sleeping.

u don’t want me to stay for breakfast. u want me to leave immediately so that i don’t have time to register how dog-rough u look in the morning.

u want me to text u from my journey home to say how i can’t stop smiling.

If i don’t text or call within 24 hours u''ll feel so unhappy that no amount of chocolate and wine can cheer u up. Though u''ll give it a try.

ud happily sleep with my best mate to make me jealous.

ur scared of commitment too.

If im not very well endowed, u won’t tell ur friends. ur

u fake orgasms so that i''ll stop and let u go to sleep.

u aren’t always sure when ur faking it. In orgasms, the line between fact and fiction can be very thin.

u love falling asleep in my arms, for the first few weeks of a relationship anyway. To be honest u’d sleep a lot better if i weren’t there.

u find my dark-coloured bedsheets a total turn-off.

u’r a little girl inside. i make u cry far more easily than i realise.

Dear Mr Over-Analysis. Thanks for your email. We've met before haven't we? In fact, we've dated. For five years. And after reading your analysis of me, I'm not only surprised you put up with me for five years, but I'm even more surprised you're making contact again. I'm going to go now and hate myself for my pitiful, obvious and occasionally spotty and hairy existence. Thanks for that. Yours, self-deprecatingly.

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates