Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
10 October 2011
From Mr Personal
What's your favourite sex position?
Dear Mr Personal. Thanks for your email. My favourite sex position is about 5,000 miles away from you and that frightening face of yours. What is the matter with your eyes? Have they had an argument? Yours, distantly.
Mr Romantic
er i love you or something!
Dear Mr Romantic. Thanks for your email. Can I have the 'something' please? I'm presuming it's an either / or scenario. Yours, decidedly
Dear Mr Romantic. Thanks for your email. Can I have the 'something' please? I'm presuming it's an either / or scenario. Yours, decidedly
From Mr Piss
Genuine guy whoe loves is mouth and face filled with piss looking for meet today. 8 inches of pulsating thick throbbing cock in return. Pissing on me and fucking my mouth a must. Have you got a full bladder and up for it?
Dear Mr Piss. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I think you might have me mistaken - when on my profile I wrote that I liked water sports, I meant I enjoyed partaking in activities such as para sailing and riding on giant inflatable banana boats. I do not partake in urinating on strangers, least of all on those who look like they may have been to school with my mother, taken style tips from Myra Hindley and borrowed Leo Sayer's hair. Besides, you didn't even say please. Rude. Yours, dryly.
Dear Mr Piss. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I think you might have me mistaken - when on my profile I wrote that I liked water sports, I meant I enjoyed partaking in activities such as para sailing and riding on giant inflatable banana boats. I do not partake in urinating on strangers, least of all on those who look like they may have been to school with my mother, taken style tips from Myra Hindley and borrowed Leo Sayer's hair. Besides, you didn't even say please. Rude. Yours, dryly.
From Mr Holland and Barrett
do you have any prunes angel?
if not , how about a date then?
From Mr Holland and Barrett. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I'm not in the market for any dried fruit right now, I'm regular as clockwork and I'd hate to upset the status quo, so to speak. But the next time I'm up shit creek without a laxative, I'll be in touch. Yours regularly.
if not , how about a date then?
From Mr Holland and Barrett. Thanks for your email. Sorry, I'm not in the market for any dried fruit right now, I'm regular as clockwork and I'd hate to upset the status quo, so to speak. But the next time I'm up shit creek without a laxative, I'll be in touch. Yours regularly.
From Mr Sexist
How many women dies it take to change a light bulb?? Xx
Dear Mr Sexist. Thanks for your email. Ooh, us ladies love a bit of sexism in a potential mate, well done there! Although admittedly all out chauvinism is preferable. I wonder, how many women DOES it take to change a light bulb? Let me guess, none, because their man would do it for them? Brilliant. Hysterical. Well done you. I'll be honest, I'd happily spend the rest of my life in the dark with no light bulbs if it meant I wouldn't have to see your plug ugly mug. Now piss off out of my inbox and go and bandy your misogyny around elsewhere. Yours, feministically.
Dear Mr Sexist. Thanks for your email. Ooh, us ladies love a bit of sexism in a potential mate, well done there! Although admittedly all out chauvinism is preferable. I wonder, how many women DOES it take to change a light bulb? Let me guess, none, because their man would do it for them? Brilliant. Hysterical. Well done you. I'll be honest, I'd happily spend the rest of my life in the dark with no light bulbs if it meant I wouldn't have to see your plug ugly mug. Now piss off out of my inbox and go and bandy your misogyny around elsewhere. Yours, feministically.
01 October 2011
From Mr T
You sound like my cup of tea
Dear Mr T. Thanks for your email. I sound like your cup of tea do I? Is that because I'm hot, white and sweet? With a spoon in me? Well, what do you know! It's just a shame for you that I'm not much of a coffee fan...you're far too bitter for me, and that mug doesn't appeal to me at all. Sorry. Yours, thirstily
Mr Tight
would you share your drink with me if i was to take you out
Dear Mr Tight. Thanks for your email. No you can't share my drink you miserly old miser, get your own. Unless, that is, you were planning some sort of roofie-related stunt, in which case sure! You can have my drink! It strikes me that with a face like that you'd probably need some sort of Rohypnol action to get some sort of bedroom action, even with yourself. So go on, knock yourself out, on both counts. Yours, unsedatedly
Dear Mr Tight. Thanks for your email. No you can't share my drink you miserly old miser, get your own. Unless, that is, you were planning some sort of roofie-related stunt, in which case sure! You can have my drink! It strikes me that with a face like that you'd probably need some sort of Rohypnol action to get some sort of bedroom action, even with yourself. So go on, knock yourself out, on both counts. Yours, unsedatedly
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