21 February 2011

From Mr Stalker

Who is the guy behind you in the photo :)

Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. The guy behind me? Oh him! Hang on...it's you...


Yours, disturbedly

From Mr OCD

Hi there , can we arrange a meeting?
I am a healthy, attractive,intelligent,well educated male, well proportioned,slim built( 170cm tall.62kg weight). I am seeking healthy,happy,harmonious, fun relationship, with a compatible female, could that be you?
Health, cleanliness and personal hygiene is of utmost importance to me. I live in London.
If you decided to contact me, please write to me.
Hope to hear from you

Dear Mr OCD. Thanks for your email. You sound textbookedly super, but I'm afraid I tend to err on the bath-dodging side, and I'm not sure you'd appreciate my unique aroma. Although if you'd like to get a rough idea of my personal scent before we meet, you could always pop into your local Boots and have a whiff of Eau Du Pew. Or if they don't have that, try Shh by Jade Goody. Yours, niffily

From Mr Almost

Hi there

I just rejoined the site yesterday and think I remember your name from when I was on here before, but I don't recall if I messaged you or if you replied (probably not!). I think I'd have remembered the bit about the parrots as I know this great parrot joke - but it's too long to type.

Anyway, it would be lovely to chat if my profile makes you smile. You are GORGEOUS. And you sound deliciously random.

PS A burst of honesty - I'm married. Happy to explain and/or send you pics if I'm not ruled out.

Dear Mr Almost. Thanks for your email. Oh, so close, so very close, you almost had me interested if it wasn't for that pesky PS of yours. Tell me, this explanation of yours, I'm assuming it's a good one? And please tell me it involves pictures, presumably of your wife? Would I understand and empathise with your premeditated philandering if I could see what exactly you're married to? I'm sure I would, so please do explain and send pictures and I'm sure we'll get on just fine. Yours, intrepidly

PS A burst of honesty - I'm lying. You're totally ruled out, you perfidious prick.

From Mr Honest

Hey how are you?

I have seen your profile and I thought I would say hi. I am new to all this online searching. I was kind of unsure how to approach you so opted for the simple approach. I hope my message is deemed worthy of a response.

I also hope me being asian is not a problem as I know this can be for some people.

I will also be honest from the outset and let you know I am a serving prisoner and have been for 5 years. I am in an open jail on day releases.

Should you have any questions then please do not hesitate to ask.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Mr Honest. Thanks for your email. I appreciate you being so upfront about your personal situation, there are so many dishonest people online and it's good to know that not everyone is out to deceive you and keep deep dark secrets from you. It's probably time for a little honesty from me too. Please don't take this too personally, but I don't think I could date you. It's nothing to do with you being a convicted criminal doing time or anything like that, I just couldn't go out with someone Asian. But good luck with your search, I'm sure the right lady is just a phone call and a bail cheque away. Yours, sincerely

From Mr Optimistic

Hi ya, im mr optimistic...please dont judge just on my pics....im the nicest guy you will meet x

Dear Mr Optimistic. Thanks for your email. Don't just you by your photos you say? Well that's exactly the sort of thing an obese, bug-eyed, balding bog-beast would say, isn't it?


Yours, taxi???

From Mr Lover

You’re mental i think i'm in love!

Dear Mr Lover. Thanks for your email. You're in love? You're mental. Yours, sanely.

From Mr Tentative

hello there!

Ive just returned to this site and saw your profile, your gorgeous! I know you'll be inundated with messages but thought Id try and get your attention and hopefully a reply!

Apologies for not having anything on my profile, guess I should fill it all in again. Im surprised they hadnt deleted my account, been over a year! Hows it going on here for you?

I left because of all the weirdos so just wanted to check that your not one of them! Any axe murdering history i should be aware of? lol Bunny boiler? Oh i know, worst of the lot..... anorak trainspotter?!! Hope not!!

Hopefully Ill hear from you soon


Dear Mr Tentative. Thanks for your email. Don't worry, I'm no axe-wielding, bunny-boiling, anorak-wearing trainspotter, I know there are a heck of a lot of freaks out there on the internet, but I'd like to assure you I'm nothing of the sort. I'd love to meet you for a drink if you're still interested and not too disappointed? Let me know. Yours, a pistol-toting, guinea-pig butchering, cagoule-sporting tram-watcher

From Mr Concerned

So, do you think size is something men should really be worrying about?

Dear Mr Concerned. Thanks for your email. Yes, size is definitely something men should be worrying about. If it's height they're fretting about, no woman likes to date a man who could pass as her child or her pet. If it's car size they're stressing about, no woman likes to have a baked bean tin for a chariot. If it's penis size they're concerned about, no woman likes to feel like the Royal Albert Hall is being swept out using a dustpan and brush. I hope that's made you feel better. Please do feel free to run your measurements by me any time, just as long as they're extraordinarily impressive. Yours, seismically.

From Mr Monosyllabic

thats all I can say hun..........

Dear My Monosyllabic. Thanks for your email. Well, if 'wow' is as much conversation as you can muster up, then I don't think our dialogue is going to go very well, if anywhere at all, is it? So how about I let you conserve those vital syllables for someone who'll reciprocate in similarly monophonological fashion, and I'll keep my lengthy confabulations to myself. Or, to translate to your linguistic level, thanks but no thanks. Yours, polysyllabically

From Mr X-Rated 2

How are you?

Here is something for you to read while you complete your profile. I would love to know how it makes you feel? If you like it perhaps I can write a scenario that you suggest?

And there I was on his bed on my hands and knees facing the full length wardrobe mirrors, naked.

Before I got into that position, I had arrived at his place expecting him to want to fuck me there and then, but instead we had a shower. He took great care in washing me everywhere, except my freshly waxed pussy which he ignored completely. He finally started massaging my bottom, before gently rubbing my anus. His hands were completely covered in soap, so when his finger started easing it's way into my anus, it slid in quite easily. He only slid it in a short way, before waiting for me to relax. When I did, he eased his finger all the way in, probably using his index finger as he would want to be as far inside me as possible. He held me from the front with his arm across just below my breasts, so I really couldn't move while his finger was inside me. Again he waited for me to relax, before he started gently fucking my bottom with his finger. While I was waiting for him to start with his finger I realised that he was really turned on as I felt him pressing his erection against me, even in a hot shower it felt hot.

And then I could feel the wetness in my pussy, and he started breathing slightly faster as his finger started fucking my bottom. It felt rather good having my bottom explored like this. Then surprisingly he withdrew his finger, spread my legs as wide as he could and then I felt his cock open the lips of my pussy and just slide straight in. God that felt good, first my bottom slightly filled, and then feeling his heat inside whilst standing up, heavenly. He stood there for a while taking in the feeling of my wet pussy, sliding soapy hands over my breasts and hard nipples before finding my clit that had be starved of any touch whilst he washed me. After him first stroking and then gently rubbing my clit I came, almost falling over, but he held me with his arms, and also his hard cock still inside me. I felt my pussy grip his cock as the waves of pleasure rushed over me and felt his breathing harder on my cheek, before I felt his cock slide out, almost all the way out still holding me tightly pressed against him, before he slid himself all the way inside me in a really hard thrust and a groan of pleasure.

He continued to thrust, and it didn't take long before I felt him shuddering and his cum exploding inside me, before he finally rammed his cock all the way in and held it there still shuddering, and still holding me tightly pressed against his body. I could feel his heart rapidly beating against my back, and his breathing fast against my cheek. I felt his hands wander down to where the lips of my pussy were stretched around his cock, and he stroked them gently while his cock slowly softened. Eventually his cock softened and slipped out, unfortunately with a bit of his cum too. It was my turn to wash him, so I turned the shower off so I could clean his cock and taste my pussy and his cum, making sure I pulled his foreskin back and licked under there too. I then turned the shower back on and soaped him all over and made sure we were both rinsed before getting out the shower. He dried me off, and then told me to get onto his bed on my hands and knees facing the mirror.

My pussy was wet from being turned on, and sticky from his cum, and I knew that he was going after my bottom next.

Dad. As pleased as I am you've sorted your spelling out since your last email, I'm not entirely convinced this is the sort of reading material you should be sending me. Does mum know you like to imagine yourself as a woman? Hmm...thought not...

Check out my other dating blog 52 First Dates