15 September 2010

From Mr Grand Scheme

hi!how is your life going?

Hi Mr Grand Scheme. Thanks for your email. My life has been a bit of a roller coaster, I'll be honest. It all started out when I was a child. I was a slow-developing baby, slow to crawl, slower to walk, and when it came to speech I struggled to even string a couple of basic words together until I was at least 3. My parents never read to me as a youngster and as a result when I started at school I was behind in class whilst the other children excelled and found literary love in such classics such as Roger Red Hat and Stig of the Dump. To combat this feeling of innate illiteracy, I turned to food at an early age, gorging myself on sweets and crisps whilst my other young chums spent their pocket money on books and magazines. As a result I put on weight, and became so chubby that sports lessons at school became more and more traumatic. Then the bullying started and the reclusion began. I turned to death metal, started wearing black and then acknowledged that food was the source of all the evil in the world, and set my aspirational sights on anorexia. 5 stone and half a headful of hair down, I felt happier being a balding bonebag. But these were the twilight years of my looks, my oddly angular bony body and the addition of train track braces meant my chances of finding a boyfriend were severely thwarted. So the eating began again, the hair began to grow back, and for a fleeting period I was almost attractive. But then the rampant acne attacked, and I passed the memorable ages of 16, 17 and 18 without so much of a sniff of a kiss from the opposite sex. The important exams at school came and went with no real event, I neither excelled nor totally bombed, and the underwhelming response from my family at my bland sheets of qualifications encouraged me that at least I wasn't a total failure. University rolled around, I decided to take a Mickey Mouse degree in the hope of not just graduating, but maybe, just maybe finding myself someone drunk enough to exchange a modicum of saliva with. Finally, in the start of my second term of university, in a moment of bravado to prove to my peers I wasn't the total loser I appeared to be, I downed a bottle of wine. What ensued is still a mystery to me, but on awaking beside a drunken, snoring and smelly heap of a rugby player, I presumed the ceremony of virginity-loss had passed without too much trauma. Encouraged by this event, I proceeded to use my new found inebriated sex appeal to make a name for myself amongst the rest of the rugby team, before moving on to the football team, the hockey players and eventually the university darts squad and chess club. By the time I graduated, I was a seasoned snogger, and took my new found confidence out onto the job market. I managed to find myself a nice little job working in a supermarket, where I set my ambitious sights on the heady ascension from shelf-stacker to store manager. 8 years, 2 one night stands and 1 minor disciplinary later, I'm happily head of the fruit and vegetable section, and now plotting my assault on lower senior management. Sadly the last boyfriend I had mysteriously had to move to New Zealand at short notice, and since then I have been lacking that special someone in my life. I consider myself to be a much better person now: my literary issues have mostly been ironed out and I have since read all of the Roger Red Hat series. I've even managed most of the CS Lewis set, even though the Voyage of the Dawn Treader did have a few words I didn't understand. My hair has now totally grown back and I have got lots of support around me to stop my eating habits spiralling out of control again, although this does sometimes mean supervised trips to the supermarket and the odd padlock on the fridge when I'm having a bit of a tough time. I don't speak to my parents very much, but I'm presuming by the fact that they no longer call me to berate my very existence any more that they must be vaguely content with how I'm doing. Plus they must be very busy with my lawyer sister's forthcoming wedding and her baby twins so I understand. So here I am, doing well in my job in the face of adversity, and looking for that special someone to share my life with. Could that be you? I do hope so, I feel we've bonded so well. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours, optimistically


  1. haahahahahaaaaaahahahahahaaa :-D
    (please tell me you weren't basing rugby player second year anecdotes on any of my shenanigans...??)

  2. Hahaha - no, don't worry. I was thinking more the darts team ;-)

    CTS x


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