08 August 2010

From Mr 'Kooky'

Hello. I saw your profile this afternoon and I thought I'd send a message to say hello. I'm sure you have had quite a few guys email you already saying things like "i like your profile picture" or "check my profile out I think we'd get on". I find this approach a bit boring so I thought I'd jazz things up a little with a different approach. So how about a fun game with me to get to know each other a little bit better? All you have to do is reply back with 4 'facts' about yourself although one has to be a lie. So to get the ball rolling (for you to win a kitkat) I will give you 4 'facts' about me and you have to guess which one is the lie, ok here goes: An Oscar Nominee came to my house party, A one eyed man stopped me in april outside the tube to show me his "missing" eye, I'm the inventor of the Funky Octopus dance move or I have trespassed into the Blue Peter garden. Bye for now.

Dear Mr 'Kooky'. Thanks for your email. Wow, you are original. Hats off, kudos and other such congratulatory cliches for that, with your rather novel internet dating quiz. And what an incentive!  Ladies just love that chocolate stuff don't they? We are just too predictable, us and our whimsical ovaries! Ah, what gender-specific larks indeed! So if I get through this round, what is the next prize; a handbag, a pair of shoes maybe? No, wait, a DVD of the Notebook? A year's subscription to Cosmopolitan? I am on tenterhooks. Anyway, back to the game in question...hmm...I'll wager the one that is not true is the one-eyed man one, the reason being, when people tell lies, they always include way too much information. As for the others, each and every one of them is a reason why I will never go on a date with you. Here is why:

1. An Oscar nominee came to your house - clearly you're trying to impress here, but the fact you've not even name-dropped means it must be someone nominated for the most obscure category, such as Best Use of the Word Merkin in a Foreign Film, or Best Animal Fluffer. No.
2. You invented a Funky Octopus dance - you may call it 'funky', but I'll bet your friends call it 'an embarrassing drunken shambles worthy of public mockery and exposition on Youtube'. No.
3. You trespassed in the Blue Peter garden - this alone is sacrilege. I couldn't be seen with someone with such little respect for one of our good nation's treasures. No.

But, since I'm in a playful mood, I'll set you a challenge too. Your challenge is to work out which of the facts about me is not true. And then, if you would still consider going on a date with me.

1. According to my beautician, I am in the top 5% of people with the highest density of body hair ever found on a human back
2. I suffer from a rare condition called Fish Odour Syndrome.
3. My false leg has a snap-on attachment for roller skates.
4. I hold the record for the most toenails eaten in an hour.

Can you tell what it is yet? Answers on a postcard. Yours, truthfully.


  1. I actually liked this fella!

  2. Yeah, unfortunately his profile wasn't as kooky as the email (which I suspect was a cut and paste job), and when I replied with an equally as inventive answer, he got scared and vanished off into cyberspace.


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