From Mr Ex

Following a meticulously succinct impression of your profile, I felt it appropriate to tell you I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the magnificent fantasy memories... you will forever have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

Mr Ex

ps. You can keep the mansion in Mauritius but, I am going to need half our money according to our prenup.

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Dear Mr Ex. Thanks for your email, it was nice to hear from you rather than your lawyer. However, I think you'll find, if you read the small print in our marital contract, that your many recorded 'minor acts of indiscretion', for example your videotaped dalliances with four underage boys at a bukkake party when you were on 'that' business trip in Tokyo and a photograph featuring yourself and a Shetland pony 'in flagrante', render our nuptials null and void. Ergo, I'll keep the keys to the mansion thank you very much, as well as the keys to your small fleet of Italian motors, your penthouse in NYC and your mistresses flat in Marylebone (yes, I know about her too, the poor daft bint). I also look forward to receiving half of your future salary, to which I am now fully entitled, from now until the day you shamefully shuffle off this mortal coil. Which I hope is in fifty years time, so I can rinse your rancid keyster for all it's worth, you silly silly boy. So to summise, in the words of the most famous -blonde-twin-brother-duo-plus-token-bassist-mate of the eighties, I owe you nothing. Nothing at all. Yours smugly