evening princess
i like ur profile
u look very feminine and lovely
may i ask u for a drink in london or anywhere else u choose?
xx
Dear Mr Location. Thanks for your email. Of course you can ask me for a drink, how about in Carlisle - there's a lovely branch of Wetherspoons there that do great happy hour deals. Sound like a plan? Yours, staying well put in London
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
31 August 2010
Mr Pushy
Hi,
I have liked your profile very much...
Please email me direct at mr pushy@live.co.uk
We can talk on phone and meet up and discuss everything.
Please do give me one chance... And who knows we could end up being compatible, which is hard to judge from just a profile. It will be nice if you could email me your photo and phone number, and I will promise to call you.
Dear Mr Pushy. Thanks for your email. I don't doubt that you will live up to your promise and call me. And it is for precisely that reason why I shall not be sending you my number. Yours, unpushed
I have liked your profile very much...
Please email me direct at mr pushy@live.co.uk
We can talk on phone and meet up and discuss everything.
Please do give me one chance... And who knows we could end up being compatible, which is hard to judge from just a profile. It will be nice if you could email me your photo and phone number, and I will promise to call you.
Dear Mr Pushy. Thanks for your email. I don't doubt that you will live up to your promise and call me. And it is for precisely that reason why I shall not be sending you my number. Yours, unpushed
Mr Advice
Hey, how are you? Found anyone suitable yet? Could you tell me honestly what is wrong with my profile?
Dear Mr Advice. Thanks for your email. Clearly, I've not found anyone suitable for me yet, as I'm still on this dating site. I've had a look at your profile, and I only spotted a couple of things wrong with it. They are:
1. Your face.
2. Your personality (or lack thereof).
Other than that, you appear to be a great catch, but sadly not the right catch for me. Yours, honestly.
Dear Mr Advice. Thanks for your email. Clearly, I've not found anyone suitable for me yet, as I'm still on this dating site. I've had a look at your profile, and I only spotted a couple of things wrong with it. They are:
1. Your face.
2. Your personality (or lack thereof).
Other than that, you appear to be a great catch, but sadly not the right catch for me. Yours, honestly.
From Mr Toilet
heey you ok? im pretty rubbish with these sort of first messages so don't really know what to say...ermm, your gorgeous but you've heard that millions of times before so ermm *thinking* ohhhh a little childhood story for you to remember me by...here goes :D when i was 4 i fell in the toilet head first, i forgot there was a little step infront of the toilet and ran, tripped and went straight into it...well thats that then lol...now you can remember me as the guy who didnt know how to take a pee ha. brilliant. Anyway yeah your a well pretty girl and you might not even get back in touch but it would be nice to chat and get to know you thats if you wanted, so get in touch... :) x
Dear Mr Toilet. Thanks for your email. I wouldn't say that's a rubbish first message. Oh no. I would say it's a crap first message. Literally. See this is a friendly word of advice - chicks don't dig shit stories. Yours, unim-poo-ressed
Dear Mr Toilet. Thanks for your email. I wouldn't say that's a rubbish first message. Oh no. I would say it's a crap first message. Literally. See this is a friendly word of advice - chicks don't dig shit stories. Yours, unim-poo-ressed
From Mr Random Stream of Consciousness - again
How are you sweet heart?hope you had good day.
I am mr random stream of consciousness near heathrow.i am good looking 6 ft 1 tall.
I am suit and tie person.i am clean smell good.i do like your profile.
i am easy going caring romantic.
I like holding hands cuddles very good kisser.I like pubs restaurants but not into clubs.
I am seprated got kids,I am looking for fship,romance.
I am not into one night stands but don’t want to rush into full on rship.
I am looking for good friend lover with view to rship.i am hard working do work long hours.i hope you are understanding.I am polite friendly person,will treat you with respect make you smile.I promice you will feel closer and wanted.I am loving person who needs loving too can you provide that.If you are polite,friendly understanding and loving please get back mr random stream of consciousness @hotmail.co.uk or 0780* *** ***.hope you get back we get to know meet for drink and see how we feel,see if we got that chemistry.you are very beautiful,very pretty face and nice smile ,hope to hear from you soon love mr random stream of consciousness xxxxxxxxx
Dear Mr Random Stream of Consciousness. Thanks for your email. Again. Clearly you didn't read my first one? Here it is:
http://internet-berating.blogspot.com/2010/08/from-mr-random-steam-of-consciousness.html
I'm pleased to find out that since we last exchanged missives you are now the proud wearer of suits and ties, are clean and smell nice, and, most importantly, you've discovered the return key. However, none of these features are redeeming enough to make up for the fact that your emails are, quite frankly, a massive pointless diatribe of disconcerting oddness. The answer is still no. But please do feel free to mail again and let me know when you've discovered flossing and italics. Yours, unrandomly.
I am mr random stream of consciousness near heathrow.i am good looking 6 ft 1 tall.
I am suit and tie person.i am clean smell good.i do like your profile.
i am easy going caring romantic.
I like holding hands cuddles very good kisser.I like pubs restaurants but not into clubs.
I am seprated got kids,I am looking for fship,romance.
I am not into one night stands but don’t want to rush into full on rship.
I am looking for good friend lover with view to rship.i am hard working do work long hours.i hope you are understanding.I am polite friendly person,will treat you with respect make you smile.I promice you will feel closer and wanted.I am loving person who needs loving too can you provide that.If you are polite,friendly understanding and loving please get back mr random stream of consciousness @hotmail.co.uk or 0780* *** ***.hope you get back we get to know meet for drink and see how we feel,see if we got that chemistry.you are very beautiful,very pretty face and nice smile ,hope to hear from you soon love mr random stream of consciousness xxxxxxxxx
Dear Mr Random Stream of Consciousness. Thanks for your email. Again. Clearly you didn't read my first one? Here it is:
http://internet-berating.blogspot.com/2010/08/from-mr-random-steam-of-consciousness.html
I'm pleased to find out that since we last exchanged missives you are now the proud wearer of suits and ties, are clean and smell nice, and, most importantly, you've discovered the return key. However, none of these features are redeeming enough to make up for the fact that your emails are, quite frankly, a massive pointless diatribe of disconcerting oddness. The answer is still no. But please do feel free to mail again and let me know when you've discovered flossing and italics. Yours, unrandomly.
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