dont reply, noone else does !
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
21 December 2010
30 November 2010
From Doggyfucker
Be honest, what are you looking for here? ;)
Dear Doggyfucker. Thanks very much for your email. I genuinely couldn't care less what you've written me - you could have crafted prose entertaining enough to bedaub Eddie Izzard a shade of 'envious green', scribbled sylvan stanzas stunning enough to solicit a swoon from Shakespeare, and written the sort of wise witticisms that would wilt Wittgenstein himself and I still wouldn't be interested. And why is this you ask? Well I'll tell you...you're a West Ham supporter. Sorry love, that's a red card in my book. Yours, disinterestedly.
PS. Nice username.
Dear Doggyfucker. Thanks very much for your email. I genuinely couldn't care less what you've written me - you could have crafted prose entertaining enough to bedaub Eddie Izzard a shade of 'envious green', scribbled sylvan stanzas stunning enough to solicit a swoon from Shakespeare, and written the sort of wise witticisms that would wilt Wittgenstein himself and I still wouldn't be interested. And why is this you ask? Well I'll tell you...you're a West Ham supporter. Sorry love, that's a red card in my book. Yours, disinterestedly.
PS. Nice username.
From Mr Vertical
Hi! What's up?
Dear Mr Vertical. Thanks for your email. What's up you ask? A few things I suspect, mainly share prices in Mattessons and your cholesterol if your photos are anything to go by. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not sure I could date someone who is so large they have their own personal postcode and gravitational force, it'd make getting parcels delivered a bit of a trick, and leaving you impossible. Yours, diminutively.
Dear Mr Vertical. Thanks for your email. What's up you ask? A few things I suspect, mainly share prices in Mattessons and your cholesterol if your photos are anything to go by. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not sure I could date someone who is so large they have their own personal postcode and gravitational force, it'd make getting parcels delivered a bit of a trick, and leaving you impossible. Yours, diminutively.
From Mr Anatomical
hi what would you say was the best part of your body and why?
Dear Mr Anatomical. Thanks for your email. Hmm, what is the best part of my body and why? Well, I think it would have to be my gargantuan penis, which is affectionately known around these parts as The Leviathan. What about your? Yours, endowedly.
Dear Mr Anatomical. Thanks for your email. Hmm, what is the best part of my body and why? Well, I think it would have to be my gargantuan penis, which is affectionately known around these parts as The Leviathan. What about your? Yours, endowedly.
From Mr Accusatory
You took my breath away!
Dear Mr Accusatory. Thanks for your email. So I did - sorry about that - here, have it back. Yours, breathlessly
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