You are really nice and attractive woman. I like your face. X
Dear Mr Maybelline. Thanks for your email. I can't say I feel the same about your face I'm afraid. You see, I'm not sure I could date a man whose eyebrows were more immaculately coiffured than my own. I'm fairly certain I don't see Pat Butcher eyeshadow as a desired quality in a potential suitor and I'm positive I couldn't go out with a man who wears blusher like Raggedy-bloody-Ann. Even your cleavage is better than mine. In short, if I wanted to date someone who wore as much slap as you, I'd be a lesbian. With better taste at that. But I'm not. I'm also not entirely convinced I'm up your proverbial street either, but I suspect it's just your way of getting your mits on my Max Factor. Cheeky. And still no. Yours, cosmetically
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
13 October 2010
11 October 2010
From Mr Dodgy Claim
I was blinded by your good looks so i'm going to need your details for insurance reasons.
Dear Mr Dodgy Claim. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry but I can't help you with your insurance case. You see, I'm only covered for third party, fire and theft, so unless someone has physically stolen your eyeballs or they have been subjected to some sort of arson attack, you're not eligible to make a claim. Do let me know if they have though. Not because I will give you my details, but because it'll make me chuckle. Yours, assuredly
Dear Mr Dodgy Claim. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry but I can't help you with your insurance case. You see, I'm only covered for third party, fire and theft, so unless someone has physically stolen your eyeballs or they have been subjected to some sort of arson attack, you're not eligible to make a claim. Do let me know if they have though. Not because I will give you my details, but because it'll make me chuckle. Yours, assuredly
10 October 2010
From Mr Speculative
Caught much so far?
Dear Mr Speculative. Thanks for your email. Have I caught much so far? Hmm...a few things, namely herpes, a couple of crabs and the odd dose of the clap. Drink sometime? Yours, riddled.
Dear Mr Speculative. Thanks for your email. Have I caught much so far? Hmm...a few things, namely herpes, a couple of crabs and the odd dose of the clap. Drink sometime? Yours, riddled.
01 October 2010
From Mr Numerically Challenged 2
5 words: you dont look 30! X
Dear Mr Numerically Challenged. Thanks for your email. But I think you'll find, it's 4 words, not 5. Unless you count the first bit, in which case it's 6 words. Either way, you can't bloody count. Yours disappointedly, Carol Vorderman
Dear Mr Numerically Challenged. Thanks for your email. But I think you'll find, it's 4 words, not 5. Unless you count the first bit, in which case it's 6 words. Either way, you can't bloody count. Yours disappointedly, Carol Vorderman
From Mr Unsubtle
Hi. Like the hat very cute
x
Dear Mr Unsubtle. Thanks for your email. That's not a hat, that's my hair. Yours, insultedly.
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