there is no way you are without a man!"? if you are ever at a loose end i say you should get your bum out with me for a fab date?
Dear Mr Exhibitionist. Thanks for your email. Get my bum out on a first date? I would do no such a thing, I'm classy, me. Third date, maybe. And if you play your cards right, by the fifth date I might even get my cock out. Yours, exposingly
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
07 April 2011
From Mr Martian
Hello, I'm Manny the Martian. What's your favourite flavour of bowling ball?
Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.
Dear Mr Martian. Thanks for your email. My favourite flavour of bowling ball? Hmm...that's a toughie. Depending on my mood, I either like Arkansas or perpendicular, although I have been known to dabble in handlebar moustache once in a while. What about you? Yours, surreally.
21 February 2011
From Mr Stalker
Who is the guy behind you in the photo :)
Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. The guy behind me? Oh him! Hang on...it's you...
SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours, disturbedly
Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. The guy behind me? Oh him! Hang on...it's you...
SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours, disturbedly
From Mr OCD
Hi there , can we arrange a meeting?
I am a healthy, attractive,intelligent,well educated male, well proportioned,slim built( 170cm tall.62kg weight). I am seeking healthy,happy,harmonious, fun relationship, with a compatible female, could that be you?
Health, cleanliness and personal hygiene is of utmost importance to me. I live in London.
If you decided to contact me, please write to me.
Hope to hear from you
Dear Mr OCD. Thanks for your email. You sound textbookedly super, but I'm afraid I tend to err on the bath-dodging side, and I'm not sure you'd appreciate my unique aroma. Although if you'd like to get a rough idea of my personal scent before we meet, you could always pop into your local Boots and have a whiff of Eau Du Pew. Or if they don't have that, try Shh by Jade Goody. Yours, niffily
I am a healthy, attractive,intelligent,well educated male, well proportioned,slim built( 170cm tall.62kg weight). I am seeking healthy,happy,harmonious, fun relationship, with a compatible female, could that be you?
Health, cleanliness and personal hygiene is of utmost importance to me. I live in London.
If you decided to contact me, please write to me.
Hope to hear from you
Dear Mr OCD. Thanks for your email. You sound textbookedly super, but I'm afraid I tend to err on the bath-dodging side, and I'm not sure you'd appreciate my unique aroma. Although if you'd like to get a rough idea of my personal scent before we meet, you could always pop into your local Boots and have a whiff of Eau Du Pew. Or if they don't have that, try Shh by Jade Goody. Yours, niffily
From Mr Almost
Hi there
I just rejoined the site yesterday and think I remember your name from when I was on here before, but I don't recall if I messaged you or if you replied (probably not!). I think I'd have remembered the bit about the parrots as I know this great parrot joke - but it's too long to type.
Anyway, it would be lovely to chat if my profile makes you smile. You are GORGEOUS. And you sound deliciously random.
PS A burst of honesty - I'm married. Happy to explain and/or send you pics if I'm not ruled out.
Dear Mr Almost. Thanks for your email. Oh, so close, so very close, you almost had me interested if it wasn't for that pesky PS of yours. Tell me, this explanation of yours, I'm assuming it's a good one? And please tell me it involves pictures, presumably of your wife? Would I understand and empathise with your premeditated philandering if I could see what exactly you're married to? I'm sure I would, so please do explain and send pictures and I'm sure we'll get on just fine. Yours, intrepidly
PS A burst of honesty - I'm lying. You're totally ruled out, you perfidious prick.
I just rejoined the site yesterday and think I remember your name from when I was on here before, but I don't recall if I messaged you or if you replied (probably not!). I think I'd have remembered the bit about the parrots as I know this great parrot joke - but it's too long to type.
Anyway, it would be lovely to chat if my profile makes you smile. You are GORGEOUS. And you sound deliciously random.
PS A burst of honesty - I'm married. Happy to explain and/or send you pics if I'm not ruled out.
Dear Mr Almost. Thanks for your email. Oh, so close, so very close, you almost had me interested if it wasn't for that pesky PS of yours. Tell me, this explanation of yours, I'm assuming it's a good one? And please tell me it involves pictures, presumably of your wife? Would I understand and empathise with your premeditated philandering if I could see what exactly you're married to? I'm sure I would, so please do explain and send pictures and I'm sure we'll get on just fine. Yours, intrepidly
PS A burst of honesty - I'm lying. You're totally ruled out, you perfidious prick.
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