10 July 2010

From Mr Bald

Hi how is life treating you today, you got a fun weekend planned?

Dear Mr Bald. Thanks for your email. Life could be better, I'll be honest. First of all, I've run out of hormone pills, which is not only wreaking havoc with my moods but also the hairs are starting to reappear on my chest. Not only that but my ex boyfriend has just rung to tell me that he's ridden with chlamydia, and that I need to get myself down the clinic pronto or face potential infertility. My incontinent Great Dane also shat on the kitchen floor for the thousandth time, which I then slipped on and as a result have now fractured four bones in my legs, three bones in my arm and lost the only tooth I had left. As for this weekend, once I've been to A&E and had the dog put down, I have to go and have my electronic tag removed, because since I gained those pesky seven stone, it's become rather tight and is cutting off the circulation to my foot. I also need to go and pay for last month's crack as the giro came through late and my dealer is threatening me and my nine children with violence. Other than that, maybe watching a bit of Big Brother. What about you? Fancy a date? Yours optimistically.

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