hello you, well im confused, as cant work out how a beautiful women like you is single..i mean your stunning..!
x
Dear Mr Flatterer. Thanks for your email. The answer is simple, I am psychotic. Meet me and you will find out. Where do you live? I'll bring the ball-gag, nunchucks and tamed squirrels. See you soon. Yours, unhingedly
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
30 September 2010
From Mr Ghetto
hey there how are you...you look beautiful by the way and oh yeah just so you know i am not a thug lool so don't be afraid to talk...x
Dear Mr Ghetto. Thanks for your email. Of course I don't think that. I mean, why would an 18 year old hood-sporting, street-speaking, bling-bearing, N-Dubz-worshipping, wannabe-Fiddy come across as a thug? Oh, I see. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, unthuggishly.
PS. Please don't cut me blud. Innit.
Dear Mr Ghetto. Thanks for your email. Of course I don't think that. I mean, why would an 18 year old hood-sporting, street-speaking, bling-bearing, N-Dubz-worshipping, wannabe-Fiddy come across as a thug? Oh, I see. Thanks, but no thanks. Yours, unthuggishly.
PS. Please don't cut me blud. Innit.
From Mr Over-enthustiastic
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey... ur SOOOO cooooooool!!!!!!
Dear Mr Over-enthusiastic. Thanks for your email.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey...you're SOOOOOOOO weird!
Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Yours, under-whelmingly
Dear Mr Over-enthusiastic. Thanks for your email.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey...you're SOOOOOOOO weird!
Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Yours, under-whelmingly
From Mr Text Speak
hi bbe hw r u? U seem v intresting cn we b m8s?
Dear Mr Text Speak. Thanks for your email. Well, I say email, but in truth it's more like one of those ridiculous texts that will be the final nail in the frighteningly sad coffin of our beautiful English language. I'm pretty sure the moment you typed that message, the likes of Shakespeare and Proust turned in their graves, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary handed in their notices in distress and Stephen Fry shed a subconscious tear in mourning for our mother tongue. I hope you're proud of yourself, you word-murderer. But to be honest, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, because I've used full words. What a crying shame. Yours, literately
Dear Mr Text Speak. Thanks for your email. Well, I say email, but in truth it's more like one of those ridiculous texts that will be the final nail in the frighteningly sad coffin of our beautiful English language. I'm pretty sure the moment you typed that message, the likes of Shakespeare and Proust turned in their graves, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary handed in their notices in distress and Stephen Fry shed a subconscious tear in mourning for our mother tongue. I hope you're proud of yourself, you word-murderer. But to be honest, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, because I've used full words. What a crying shame. Yours, literately
From Mr Ex Con
I used to b an armed robber! and ex security 4 davina mcall ,till i did a job got caught and spent 5yr in jail.Since then ive reformed myself into a poet an artist (ex piss artist) lol im currently dwelling in DAgenham looking for my place in life , there you go hows that? ps for some reason im too honest for my own good and prob got you running for ur phone ,with finger thrice on 9 button?well im here if you fancy a chat promise too tell all x
Dear Mr Ex Con. Thanks for your email. And your honesty. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with the whole armed robbery thing and all, in fact I love a man with an air of danger about him, I just couldn't date anyone who lived in Dagenham. Ever. If it wasn't for that, you'd totally have been in there. What a shame. Sorry. Yours, un-Essexically
Dear Mr Ex Con. Thanks for your email. And your honesty. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with the whole armed robbery thing and all, in fact I love a man with an air of danger about him, I just couldn't date anyone who lived in Dagenham. Ever. If it wasn't for that, you'd totally have been in there. What a shame. Sorry. Yours, un-Essexically
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