13 November 2011

From Mr Over-Analysis

When u get whistled at in the street, u feel uncomfortable and u''l always tut and roll your eyes. But ur awesomely flattered and ud be gutted if it stopped.

u will never grow out of your fascination with pop stars. A guy can be completely ordinary-looking, but u will fancy him if he’s in a band.

u are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really pretty.

u can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.

When u look through a his Facebook photos, ur looking to see how pretty or ugly his ex-girlfriends are.

u look through his Facebook photos a lot, and u really hope that he hasnt downloaded anything that reveals who looks at them the most.

Here’s how to make u fall for me. One day, i come on to u so strong that ur a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring u. ul wonder what u did wrong, and u won’t be able to stop thinking about me.

The above strategy isn’t foolproof. u may just lose interest. It depends on how much u liked me in the first place.

u often don’t know how much u liked me in the first place. u may have to wait until i don’t phone u. If ur disappointed, it proves that u fancy me . If ur not, it proves that u don’t. It’s like when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.

gotta stop trying to understand how your mind works. Even u don’t understand how your mind works.

u constantly change your mind and reserve the right to do so.

u love getting a missed call from me. It makes u feel in control.

The pleasure of noticing a missed call doesn’t last long. u never know how soon to ring back, and it does your head in.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by seeming too keen.

u are constantly scared of putting me off by not seeming keen enough.

u will never discuss this with me because u are constantly scared of putting me off by bringing “us” up in conversation.

“I’m scared of being hurt” means “I don’t fancy you as much as I thought I did.” You know it, i know it, and that is all that will be said on the matter.

u say “i’is not manipulative” because ur really good at being manipulative.

u only manipulate my feelings because i manipulated yours first.

Snoring costs me sex.

my feet disgust u.

u shave your toes.

uve got a rogue hair that needs regular plucking.

u went through a phase of shaving your moustache.

u leave your legs unshaven on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u wear big knickers on a first date so that u won’t end up in bed with me.

u spend entire first date fancying the pants off me and worrying that we’ll end up in bed , all unshaven legs and big knickers.

u don’t actually care that much about the loo seat.

u suspect that i like your body more when ur carrying a few extra pounds, but u always feel better about yourself when u lose weight. However u hate that your boobs look deflated, and ur disgusted by the injustice of it.

u envy me for being able to eat more than u and not get fat. By “envy” u mean “occasionally hate.”

If a grown-up woman has light blonde hair, she’s bleaching it*. i can tell that a woman is a natural blonde from her mousey eyebrows. (* OK, or she’s Scandinavian.)

u trim your nose-hair.

Yes uve got nice eyes, blah blah. Boring. u are desperate for me to compliment your skin and your neck.

u are even more desperate for me to write poems about u.

When ur at a party u clock the sexy girls far quicker than u clock the sexy guys.

u find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that doesn’t mean u want to snog any of them.

However u do wish u were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex from someone who really knows what they’re doing.

Size does matter!

What i do with it matters even more.

What i do with my tongue matters most of all.

ur really scared that i''l feel your back zits.

During breakouts u get up at 6am and cover your spots with concealer while im sleeping.

u don’t want me to stay for breakfast. u want me to leave immediately so that i don’t have time to register how dog-rough u look in the morning.

u want me to text u from my journey home to say how i can’t stop smiling.

If i don’t text or call within 24 hours u''ll feel so unhappy that no amount of chocolate and wine can cheer u up. Though u''ll give it a try.

ud happily sleep with my best mate to make me jealous.

ur scared of commitment too.

If im not very well endowed, u won’t tell ur friends. ur

u fake orgasms so that i''ll stop and let u go to sleep.

u aren’t always sure when ur faking it. In orgasms, the line between fact and fiction can be very thin.

u love falling asleep in my arms, for the first few weeks of a relationship anyway. To be honest u’d sleep a lot better if i weren’t there.

u find my dark-coloured bedsheets a total turn-off.

u’r a little girl inside. i make u cry far more easily than i realise.

Dear Mr Over-Analysis. Thanks for your email. We've met before haven't we? In fact, we've dated. For five years. And after reading your analysis of me, I'm not only surprised you put up with me for five years, but I'm even more surprised you're making contact again. I'm going to go now and hate myself for my pitiful, obvious and occasionally spotty and hairy existence. Thanks for that. Yours, self-deprecatingly.


  1. This is really quite disturbing CTS. I'd go back to plasticine gordon the gopher if I were you!

  2. If we can get a nice disco-beat to this, we've got a Baz Luhrman-style hit on our hands. Though rather than inspiring motivation, it'll just leave the listener with a creeping sense of dread. Obviously.

    I'll work on a chorus.

  3. I think you may be onto something there PH. Report back when you've got the chorus nailed.

    CTS x

  4. I am so with you on the Wear Sunscreen plan - though this is obviously going to be called "Witness Protection". What a tosser.

    The bitch of it all, is that there are bits that are correct. But I don't worry about the big knickers and hairy legs, personally! :)

  5. What did he think was going to come of this? What response was he really expecting here? In a way he said "here's the ending of our fairy tale, does this sound like something you want to be in?" I wish a few of my ex's had laid it out this way and saved me some time.

  6. Jesus Christ.... Psycho/bell-end/nutter/spunkenstein alert!

  7. Why was I reading this in an Irish accent? Nina


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