weekend going ok, im on the radio today
Dear Mr Airwaves. Thanks for your email. I'm glad your weekend is going okay, how lovely for you to volunteer such information given I didn't ask in the first place. I am also glad you are on the radio today too, because judging from your profile pictures, that is the only suitable place for you. Which channel will you be on? I'm suffering from terrible insomnia at the moment and could do with something to send me off to sleep. If your show is anything like your correspondence, there may be a nationwide Flash Forward style blackout thanks to your broadcast. Yours, soporifically
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
08 August 2010
05 August 2010
From Mr Metaphor
Don’t you think its quite hard to write anything as a first message without sounding like the rest of them.... hi, how are you? Blah Blah blah....copy and paste, copy and paste, just seems to be a bit..... blend and predictable.... so instead I am going to.... sell you myself as a dish (being a culinary wizard and all that) for some banter back (hopefully)... and whats better to break the ice than something cheesy, hey?!
so here we go.....
A well-dressed sporty gentleman dish of honest food of good quality. Diverse, can be consumed as a formal meal or causual lunch/dinner. A dish cooked by a confident chef with no excess oil (baggage), lots of cheeky banter, fun, spontaneous ideas and "get up and go" attitude. A naturally warm dish, the heat in this lasts a while and particuarly good for winter months for indoor and outdoor environment (i.e I dont get cold, rather than anything sinister). A dish best accompanied with chablis or any good white wine
Warning: This dish does not come with (couch) potato
so would this lady like to see the rest of the menu? or do you prefer a boring chat up?
Dear Mr Metaphor. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed as metaphor-intolerant and have been put on a very strict imaginary diet. I fear that if we were to meet, my head would symbolically swell up to the size of a durian, I'd break out in a pseudo-leprotic rash and then would invariably die of imaginary anaphalaxis. It is therefore in my metaphysical welfare to stay well away from you. I'm sure you will understand. Yours, allegorically allergic.
so here we go.....
A well-dressed sporty gentleman dish of honest food of good quality. Diverse, can be consumed as a formal meal or causual lunch/dinner. A dish cooked by a confident chef with no excess oil (baggage), lots of cheeky banter, fun, spontaneous ideas and "get up and go" attitude. A naturally warm dish, the heat in this lasts a while and particuarly good for winter months for indoor and outdoor environment (i.e I dont get cold, rather than anything sinister). A dish best accompanied with chablis or any good white wine
Warning: This dish does not come with (couch) potato
so would this lady like to see the rest of the menu? or do you prefer a boring chat up?
Dear Mr Metaphor. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed as metaphor-intolerant and have been put on a very strict imaginary diet. I fear that if we were to meet, my head would symbolically swell up to the size of a durian, I'd break out in a pseudo-leprotic rash and then would invariably die of imaginary anaphalaxis. It is therefore in my metaphysical welfare to stay well away from you. I'm sure you will understand. Yours, allegorically allergic.
From Mr No Os
Hi, Ypu lppk great and spund enchanting!
If ypu'd cpnsider spmepne plder fpr spmething casual then PLEASE reply to me.
What is ypur name, dp u use a partner's full name during mpments of passipn? xxx
Dear Mr No Os. Thanks for your email. Admittedly, the fact that you had to write in capitals in order to get to me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged for some sort of inappropriate favour. With the greatest respect, surely a man of your esteemed years would have thought it prudent to get one's keyboard fixed before trying to e-woo someone half your age? And I literally am half your age. As for using a lover's full name in moments of passion. PLEASE. I can only say to you oh no Mr No Os. Now if you will please excuse me, I have to go and remind myself of my real age. You might want to do so yourself. Yours, youthfully and keyboard-intactly.
Ps. In case it's not just your keyboard that has a problem with Os, here's a translation of the above text:
Dear Mr Np Ps. Thanks fpr ypur email. Admittedly, the fact that ypu had tp write in capitals in prder tp get tp me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged fpr spme sprt pf inapprppriate favpur. With the greatest respect, surely a man pf ypur esteemed years wpuld have thpught it prudent tp get pne's keybpard fixed befpre trying tp e-wpp spmepne half ypur age? And I literally am half ypur age. As for using a lpver's full name in mpments of passipn. PLEASE! I can pnly say tp ypu ph np Mr Np Ps. Npw if ypu will please excuse me, I have tp gp and remind myself pf my real age. Ypu might want tp dp sp ypurself. Ypurs, yputhfully and keybpard-intactly.
If ypu'd cpnsider spmepne plder fpr spmething casual then PLEASE reply to me.
What is ypur name, dp u use a partner's full name during mpments of passipn? xxx
Dear Mr No Os. Thanks for your email. Admittedly, the fact that you had to write in capitals in order to get to me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged for some sort of inappropriate favour. With the greatest respect, surely a man of your esteemed years would have thought it prudent to get one's keyboard fixed before trying to e-woo someone half your age? And I literally am half your age. As for using a lover's full name in moments of passion. PLEASE. I can only say to you oh no Mr No Os. Now if you will please excuse me, I have to go and remind myself of my real age. You might want to do so yourself. Yours, youthfully and keyboard-intactly.
Ps. In case it's not just your keyboard that has a problem with Os, here's a translation of the above text:
Dear Mr Np Ps. Thanks fpr ypur email. Admittedly, the fact that ypu had tp write in capitals in prder tp get tp me reply has made me feel slightly like I'm being begged fpr spme sprt pf inapprppriate favpur. With the greatest respect, surely a man pf ypur esteemed years wpuld have thpught it prudent tp get pne's keybpard fixed befpre trying tp e-wpp spmepne half ypur age? And I literally am half ypur age. As for using a lpver's full name in mpments of passipn. PLEASE! I can pnly say tp ypu ph np Mr Np Ps. Npw if ypu will please excuse me, I have tp gp and remind myself pf my real age. Ypu might want tp dp sp ypurself. Ypurs, yputhfully and keybpard-intactly.
From Mr Aesthetically-Challenged-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close
Hi there.
I read your profile, found it interesting so I figured I'd write
to you and see what happens.
I live out in the countryside right up against the South Downs,
Brighton is less than 10 miles away.
A little bit about me now, here are a few things that I like:
• Sport (Cricket a lot, play & watch)
• The outdoors
• Country walks
• Photography (Started my degree last September)
• Films
• Science
• TV
• Animals
• Australia
If you like what you have read so far take a look at my profile,
you’ll find out much more about me who knows you might even like
me.
So drop me a line (so long as my profile photos don’t make you
scream & run away)
Dear Mr Aesthetically-Challenged-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close. Thanks for your email.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*slams door*
I read your profile, found it interesting so I figured I'd write
to you and see what happens.
I live out in the countryside right up against the South Downs,
Brighton is less than 10 miles away.
A little bit about me now, here are a few things that I like:
• Sport (Cricket a lot, play & watch)
• The outdoors
• Country walks
• Photography (Started my degree last September)
• Films
• Science
• TV
• Animals
• Australia
If you like what you have read so far take a look at my profile,
you’ll find out much more about me who knows you might even like
me.
So drop me a line (so long as my profile photos don’t make you
scream & run away)
Dear Mr Aesthetically-Challenged-Doesn't-Even-Come-Close. Thanks for your email.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*slams door*
04 August 2010
From Mr Burberry
ello hun :) i like your pictures and profile fancy chatting sometime im from London
Dear Mr Burberry. Thanks for your email. You're from London too? What are the odds! We have so much in common! I like your pictures too - especially the one showing off that lovely gold 'dad' ring of yours and those beautiful sovereigns - they match your teeth. And I've always had a soft spot for a man in a football strip - it looks really good on you, the colour really brings out your good eye. And are they your Rottweilers? I used to have one myself...until he took a chunk out of the neighbour's son, rest in peace dear old Mutley. Anyway I'll be honest with you, my personal situation has changed slightly since I initially signed up to the site, but if you're still interested in 12-18 months (pending good behaviour), I'll be back in London proper. In the meantime, please do feel free to write to me at HMP Holloway. Yours, incarceratedly.
Dear Mr Burberry. Thanks for your email. You're from London too? What are the odds! We have so much in common! I like your pictures too - especially the one showing off that lovely gold 'dad' ring of yours and those beautiful sovereigns - they match your teeth. And I've always had a soft spot for a man in a football strip - it looks really good on you, the colour really brings out your good eye. And are they your Rottweilers? I used to have one myself...until he took a chunk out of the neighbour's son, rest in peace dear old Mutley. Anyway I'll be honest with you, my personal situation has changed slightly since I initially signed up to the site, but if you're still interested in 12-18 months (pending good behaviour), I'll be back in London proper. In the meantime, please do feel free to write to me at HMP Holloway. Yours, incarceratedly.
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