you are truely stunning
Dear Mr Minimalist. Thanks for your email, albeit a very brief email. What, no intro? No hi, hello or howdy? Not even a cheap shot at a kiss at the end, or a sniff of a full stop, exclamation mark or rogue asterisk? And I don't mean to be a pedant, but in terms of spelling, your message is 25% incorrect. Anyway technicalities aside, I would dearly love to be able to return the compliment, but you don't have appear to have any pictures on your profile. I have therefore deduced that you are either unfeasibly and inappropriately unattractive, permanently scarred facially by a freak incident involving a squirrel, a stapler and a chip pan, or, you're ginger. And looks aside, you've skimped on the text side too. I shall cut and paste your personal statement to prove said point:
I like going to pubs and clubs, non-smoker. Can cook.
And in terms of who you're looking to meet, it's true, I do fit your specified criteria, but that's only because I'm somewhere between the ages of 18 and 55, have some sort of body shape, and my height is somewhere between Warwick Davis and Andre the Giant. In short, it's a little hard to feel special when it seems pretty much anyone will do, as long as they physically exist in space and have a pulse; hair optional, apparently. Yours, unflatterdly
Desperate times call for desperate measures friends. Gone are the days of meeting your future spouse at a wedding or at work. Oh no. Nowadays, it's either e-dating or no dating. I'm not ashamed to admit to being an internet dating tourist, and one thing that impresses/distresses me more than anything are some of the messages that wheedle their way into my inbox. And some of these are just too good to be left unacknowledged. So here they are, in all their glory. Plus the replies I never sent.
04 August 2010
From Mr Entrepreneur
Hi. I am holding my version of Sir Alan's Sugar 'The Apprentice'. Lately all candidates have been fired before the end of the show. I thought you might be willing to participate!
Dear Mr Entrepreneur. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I thought this was a dating site? Correct me if I'm wrong, but where on a personal profile including headers such as sexual preference, romantic habits and lifestyle choices would I find boxes for employment history, career goals and references? Given the fact I'm single and on a dating site, I can't guarantee that any referees of my 'former romantic employment' would be likely to give me a sparkling reference. At least nothing for skills that Lord Sugar would approve of. So either you have genuinely mistaken this website for some sort of high-powered management recruitment scheme or you have some slightly perverted I'll-Be-The-Lord-You-Be-My-Badger fantasy in mind. If it's the former case, my suggestion is make the most of these single ladies that are just one misguided email away. But if it's the latter, then shame on you, you dirty badger-masterbating bastard. Yours, fired.
Dear Mr Entrepreneur. Thanks for your email. I'm sorry, I thought this was a dating site? Correct me if I'm wrong, but where on a personal profile including headers such as sexual preference, romantic habits and lifestyle choices would I find boxes for employment history, career goals and references? Given the fact I'm single and on a dating site, I can't guarantee that any referees of my 'former romantic employment' would be likely to give me a sparkling reference. At least nothing for skills that Lord Sugar would approve of. So either you have genuinely mistaken this website for some sort of high-powered management recruitment scheme or you have some slightly perverted I'll-Be-The-Lord-You-Be-My-Badger fantasy in mind. If it's the former case, my suggestion is make the most of these single ladies that are just one misguided email away. But if it's the latter, then shame on you, you dirty badger-masterbating bastard. Yours, fired.
03 August 2010
From Mr Stalker
Hey! Checking out my profile and not saying hello. How rude.
Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. And the wink beforehand that prompted me to check the profile of the winker in question. My reasons for not sending you a message are threefold. Let me list for you:
1. Your height is listed at 5'2". As a fellow five-foot-twosian I appreciate quite how midgetlike I am, and find something very eerie about being able to make direct level eye contact with a potential suitor.
2. You list the last thing you read as The London Lite. The London Lite has been no more since November last year. Please tell me you've read something since. And no, the Metro doesn't count. Nor does the the label on your steroid bottle.
3. You work in medicine / dental / veterinary. I do not wish to date someone who will diagnose me with leprosy, cavities or foot and mouth. Yours, avoidingly.
Dear Mr Stalker. Thanks for your email. And the wink beforehand that prompted me to check the profile of the winker in question. My reasons for not sending you a message are threefold. Let me list for you:
1. Your height is listed at 5'2". As a fellow five-foot-twosian I appreciate quite how midgetlike I am, and find something very eerie about being able to make direct level eye contact with a potential suitor.
2. You list the last thing you read as The London Lite. The London Lite has been no more since November last year. Please tell me you've read something since. And no, the Metro doesn't count. Nor does the the label on your steroid bottle.
3. You work in medicine / dental / veterinary. I do not wish to date someone who will diagnose me with leprosy, cavities or foot and mouth. Yours, avoidingly.
From Mr Verbose (original message unedited)
Good dawn / day / dusk,
Please excuse the verbosity, it is in fact the side effect of the need to connect with whomsoever you are all the way on the other side of the digital divide. I mean, where is one to start....Oh golly we have our favourite colour / star sign / place of birth in common! That's a fertile ground for mind-enlivening conversation.
Well, excuse me I seem to have forgotten the cardinal rule of written communication: Do not employ sarcasm with unknown recipients. Ah well, its done now. I trust you understand & can find it in your heart to forgive a rambling man, especially when driven by the intention of making the best possible impression to the extent that all later impressions will be somewhat disappointing.
Right I just remembered that these letters generally awaken the reader with a ...
How art thou?
I have to say that I never thought i would happen across another who looks like they would appreciate the deeply artful act of scoffing Wasabi Peas. I throw done my spiced gauntlet and challenge you to a pea-popping duel. Bansai!
I really do not want to sound so utterly imaginatively bankrupt in my response to your profile, which raised more than one cheer, but I guess it is a little thing to present which might inspire some thing great, but I have a vast love for food, in all forms. Tell me of the last thing you ate.
And where, for I have intentions of finding all the good good eats in which to rest after / during / before an urban ramble. I keep being drawn into the British museum, it will not relinquish its hold on my soul. Being there fills me with a guilty pleasure for all that earthly consciousness bound up in one place. Oh and the food, the food, the Food of Borough market...Sigh...
It seems that I may become obese but it is all good because my wallet is becoming proportionally lighter.
What I do truly love is Music. I will try to restrain myself from an RSI inducing ramble but if I may offer up one thing let it be this...
“We'll take ourselves out in the streets
Wear the blood in our cheeks
like red roses”
It doesn't seem as wholesome as it does when sung. And you should sing it.
The National are on long held love of mine.
Damn this is hard, how is one to convey a sense of onself without coming across more than a little coneited, I am trying to keep this light and conversation al, keeping in all of the skips, pauses and partial sentences in the hope that a brighter picture may be painted, but perhaps I am just rambling.
Truly frustrating, No?
How is one to communicate with all the bodylanguage unkown, are you bored, are you leaning into the screen?
Me? I am sat legs crossed at the ankle, laptop atop my lap, periodically gazing out the window to the sky, fairly relaxed apart from my furrowed brow, and hungering for chilled glass of lemonade.
Ok be sensible tell her something about your self Mr Verbose,
di I mention my favourite colour was blue?
Lord bless us all! For the neverending magic!
What have I done today? Well..I dreamt that I roamed through the british museum and discovered number of food stuffs and let them explore me from the inside (i can be extremely generous you know) it was more than a treat but alas now I am more than knackered and yearn for quiet to unknot and settle my thoughts. Also my belly requires a little more space than my trousers can cater for.
I hope I dont take somebodies eye out when this button...POPS! Whoosh! Crnch! Arghh!
Where was I?
Music, how do you feel about The National?
Now, I must warn you about my fierce and jubiliant love for these sounds. So negative answers may be responded to with hot pokers to ones ear drums, well they weren't working beforehand so...
I was lucky enough see them last month. It is such a joy to hear live music, it has been a while since I went to a gig, it has been I while since I felt the need to declare my love for a piece of music and these songs feel like warm and generous friends.
What do you spend your day listening to?
I have a bad habit of needing to listen music while cooking which invariably leads to dancing between fridge and stove whilst singing into a wooden spoon. But my flatmate enjoys the end result , which makes me want to write a kareoke cook book, or even a fitness video.
I know I should be asking you questions about your good self but I refuse to ask you what your favourite colour is, where you went on holiday, or the name of your pets... but...
Please tell me if you have a thing for collecting conkers, that might just make my day.
Take care
Mr Verbose
Warning: Boring question sprouting - What are you reading right now (apart from this)?
Dear Mr Verbose. Thanks for your email, your very very very long email. No possible response from me could do justice to the frightening diatribe you've just unleashed on my poor unsuspecting inbox, so best we call it quits, you get yourself back on the Ritalin and we'll say nothing more about this. Yours, gobsmackedly
Please excuse the verbosity, it is in fact the side effect of the need to connect with whomsoever you are all the way on the other side of the digital divide. I mean, where is one to start....Oh golly we have our favourite colour / star sign / place of birth in common! That's a fertile ground for mind-enlivening conversation.
Well, excuse me I seem to have forgotten the cardinal rule of written communication: Do not employ sarcasm with unknown recipients. Ah well, its done now. I trust you understand & can find it in your heart to forgive a rambling man, especially when driven by the intention of making the best possible impression to the extent that all later impressions will be somewhat disappointing.
Right I just remembered that these letters generally awaken the reader with a ...
How art thou?
I have to say that I never thought i would happen across another who looks like they would appreciate the deeply artful act of scoffing Wasabi Peas. I throw done my spiced gauntlet and challenge you to a pea-popping duel. Bansai!
I really do not want to sound so utterly imaginatively bankrupt in my response to your profile, which raised more than one cheer, but I guess it is a little thing to present which might inspire some thing great, but I have a vast love for food, in all forms. Tell me of the last thing you ate.
And where, for I have intentions of finding all the good good eats in which to rest after / during / before an urban ramble. I keep being drawn into the British museum, it will not relinquish its hold on my soul. Being there fills me with a guilty pleasure for all that earthly consciousness bound up in one place. Oh and the food, the food, the Food of Borough market...Sigh...
It seems that I may become obese but it is all good because my wallet is becoming proportionally lighter.
What I do truly love is Music. I will try to restrain myself from an RSI inducing ramble but if I may offer up one thing let it be this...
“We'll take ourselves out in the streets
Wear the blood in our cheeks
like red roses”
It doesn't seem as wholesome as it does when sung. And you should sing it.
The National are on long held love of mine.
Damn this is hard, how is one to convey a sense of onself without coming across more than a little coneited, I am trying to keep this light and conversation al, keeping in all of the skips, pauses and partial sentences in the hope that a brighter picture may be painted, but perhaps I am just rambling.
Truly frustrating, No?
How is one to communicate with all the bodylanguage unkown, are you bored, are you leaning into the screen?
Me? I am sat legs crossed at the ankle, laptop atop my lap, periodically gazing out the window to the sky, fairly relaxed apart from my furrowed brow, and hungering for chilled glass of lemonade.
Ok be sensible tell her something about your self Mr Verbose,
di I mention my favourite colour was blue?
Lord bless us all! For the neverending magic!
What have I done today? Well..I dreamt that I roamed through the british museum and discovered number of food stuffs and let them explore me from the inside (i can be extremely generous you know) it was more than a treat but alas now I am more than knackered and yearn for quiet to unknot and settle my thoughts. Also my belly requires a little more space than my trousers can cater for.
I hope I dont take somebodies eye out when this button...POPS! Whoosh! Crnch! Arghh!
Where was I?
Music, how do you feel about The National?
Now, I must warn you about my fierce and jubiliant love for these sounds. So negative answers may be responded to with hot pokers to ones ear drums, well they weren't working beforehand so...
I was lucky enough see them last month. It is such a joy to hear live music, it has been a while since I went to a gig, it has been I while since I felt the need to declare my love for a piece of music and these songs feel like warm and generous friends.
What do you spend your day listening to?
I have a bad habit of needing to listen music while cooking which invariably leads to dancing between fridge and stove whilst singing into a wooden spoon. But my flatmate enjoys the end result , which makes me want to write a kareoke cook book, or even a fitness video.
I know I should be asking you questions about your good self but I refuse to ask you what your favourite colour is, where you went on holiday, or the name of your pets... but...
Please tell me if you have a thing for collecting conkers, that might just make my day.
Take care
Mr Verbose
Warning: Boring question sprouting - What are you reading right now (apart from this)?
Dear Mr Verbose. Thanks for your email, your very very very long email. No possible response from me could do justice to the frightening diatribe you've just unleashed on my poor unsuspecting inbox, so best we call it quits, you get yourself back on the Ritalin and we'll say nothing more about this. Yours, gobsmackedly
01 August 2010
From Mr Ambitious
Loved your profile and pics, so much so, I felt compelled to write; its quite hard I think getting the balance right when putting a profile together to show oneself as interesting, intelligent, fun and sexy; but I think you hit that nail right on the head. So I imagine you have been inundated with proposals of various sorts, hopefully all very gracious, but my advice is to ignore them all and just take notice of mine, as I’d love to wine and dine you to get to know you better, so what you waiting around for all I need is a Yes…
Dear Mr Ambitious. Thanks for your email. No.
Dear Mr Ambitious. Thanks for your email. No.
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