From Mr T

You sound like my cup of tea

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Dear Mr T. Thanks for your email. I sound like your cup of tea do I? Is that because I'm hot, white and sweet? With a spoon in me? Well, what do you know! It's just a shame for you that I'm not much of a coffee fan...you're far too bitter for me, and that mug doesn't appeal to me at all. Sorry. Yours, thirstily

Mr Tight

would you share your drink with me if i was to take you out

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Dear Mr Tight. Thanks for your email. No you can't share my drink you miserly old miser, get your own. Unless, that is, you were planning some sort of roofie-related stunt, in which case sure! You can have my drink! It strikes me that with a face like that you'd probably need some sort of Rohypnol action to get some sort of bedroom action, even with yourself. So go on, knock yourself out, on both counts. Yours, unsedatedly

From Mr Crafty

Hi!

I saw your profile and liked it very much.

I really like the fact that you make things - I do a spot of medieval re-enactment, and therefore know a lot of similarly craft-oriented people.

If you have a look at my profile and like it, it'd be really lovely to hear from you.

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Dear Mr Crafty. Thanks for your email. I make things such as jams, cupcakes and the odd piece of knitwear. I hardly think that equates to hand-stitching tabards, whittling wooden weapons and doing a spot of wattle and daubing do you? The fact that your profile picture looks like the front cover of Monty Python and the Holy Grail without the irony is also similarly disturbing. If Pat Bennatar is right love really is a battlefield, then I'll happily sit in the pub with a glass of wine and a su doku whilst you lot leap around a field in tinfoil and velvet, brandishing cardboard swords calling each other 'knaves' a lot. Yours, medi-evily

From Mr Inquisitive

What's the rudest thing you've ever done to someone?

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Dear Mr Inquisitive. Thanks for your email. What's the rudest think I've ever done to someone? Hmm...that's a toughie. I once forgot to pass on an answer machine message to my housemate from a boy who wanted to ask her out, that was pretty rude. I also once pushed in front of a little old lady to get the last seat on the bus, that's also rather rude. Oh, and then I started writing a blog to address all the morons, mingers, miscreants and muppets who think they stand a fighting chance of going on a date with me. Count yourself included. Yours, rudely.

From Mr Artistic

fancy meeting with a stocky painter from Bow? you never know
it might be fun.

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Dear Mr Artistic. Thanks for your email. And many thanks for your kind offer but I've already got the painters in. Sorry. Yours, emulsively.